Quote - from Africa

Umcolo uthokozisa abadadukileyo (Zulu)

Singing makes all the sad people happy because it is the voice of happiness.

Hobart: Day 3 - Evening

So much to write about, but want to keep it short because I'm watching the Gumboots DVD and really enjoying it, and I also want to get some more sleep tonight.

Breakfast at 6.30am as usual. Handed in my clothes and underwear for laundry/dry cleaning at reception.

Walking around the hotel room I notice a bit of pain in my left ankle, as though I've sprained it. The pain stays with me for the rest of the day and into the evening.. it comes and goes but seems to be particularly prominent when I'm barefoot in my hotel.

Lots of laughter with the client and the team throughout the day which is great. The weather is beautiful which helps keep my spirits lifted. Also started to finish off my work which was pleasing.

Knocked off work early to visit Mt. Wellington.. and the bitter coldness was worth the amazing view. Even the drive itself is a lot of fun. Photos turned out really well which is also pleasing. Definitely want to visit again on my holiday weekend here next week. Preferably with suitable footwear though - we drove up to the mountain straight from work, so I was pottering around in my heels and got stuck way too many times between the wooden planks that made up the walkways to each of the lookouts.

Noticed bodyguards hanging around whilst we were sightseeing. Turns out they were looking after an extended family of 9. We wondered who the family was but left it at that.

Dinner at the Drunken Admiral (made a booking during the day just to make sure). The pasta at the self-serve salad bar was the best! The oysters were the highlight. I was totally put off my main meal because I ate an anchovy without knowing what it was! It was all I could do to avoid spitting it out into a serviette.

Coincidentally, the family and bodyguards arrived at the restaurant shortly after us. Based on my observations of the bodyguards at their own dinner table, it appeared that they also remembered us from the mountaintop. Tried to forget about all the action movies I'd seen, and suppressed thoughts of being taken out by the bodyguards. This party's presence added an extra dimension of excitement to tonight's dinner.

Tried to go for dessert at Mures, but they were shut by the time we headed over, so we retired to our hotel apartments. My clothes returned all nice and clean.. but I think they've just ruined one of my bras, which is really annoying because I only just bought it last week (and it wasn't cheap either!).

My bags are mostly packed, just need to finish off after tomorrow morning. Read a passage from my Spanish learning book tonight, and I had a better flow with my reading which was a nice surprise. Looking forward to reading more this weekend.. hope to read with/teach Lan as well.

Haven't done any drawing yet but I'll get to it at some stage. Read my Time magazine at breakfast this morning, will repeat tomorrow morning. Haven't written in my handwritten journal yet. No TED.com videos yet, I think I need to install iTunes first because that's the only program that will read them from my knowledge.

Had a ridiculously awesome conversation with Largie towards the end of the mountain visit, during the drive back down the mountain, on the way to dinner, and throughout dinner. Politics, racism, world issues and the incredible difficulty of solving them, events in history, Australian political history, the history of humans, medicine and science.. lots of world history/politics. And a bit of Takeshi's Castle and British comedy. Really rewarding and intellectually stimulating conversation that filled me up better than the dinner tonight. Don't get me wrong, I was stuffed from dinner, but the conversation was so refreshing. It's good having such knowledgeable friends, I learn so much from them.

Got in touch with Fitzy today as I'm going to be flying to Melbourne tomorrow afternoon. Did a bit of research online and discovered that the St Kilda markets are on tomorrow night, and they're only on Thursdays. But I don't know what the distance is from the airport and/or his place, so I don't know if it's a viable option. In any case I'll be happy to see an old friend again, and I'll be that little bit closer to seeing my boyfriend again. Feels like it's been a long time since I saw him, even though it was only on Sunday. Really looking forward to this weekend, I hope everything goes well.

Hobart: Day 2 - Evening

Dinner was a struggle this evening for a number of reasons. After a LOT of indecision ("Seafood? Or something else?") we finally settled on the Drunken Admiral as tonight's culinary choice. It was only a short walk from the hotel, but the temperature was dropping and the wintry weather didn't make for a pleasant, relaxing walk. We wanted to get into a building, and a warm one at that!

We arrived at the Drunken Admiral, only to find that it was booked out for the evening.. so we walked to Mures, which was across the pier. Didn't really like what we saw, so we then decided to head over to Salamanca, which was about 10 mins walk away.

By this time the overcast skies had decided to mix a light drizzle into the already chilly atmosphere, and we slowly started to collect rain in our hair and clothes as we hurriedly walked towards the string of restaurants.

Salamanca is a bit like the Rocks in Sydney - similar stone buildings and an air of history about the place, but not as many nooks and crannies as the Rocks offers. I enjoyed the location, but every restaurant we walked into was packed out - the first place (which a Melbournian man recommended to us on his way out) had a waiting time of 45 minutes, so we said F-that and moved on. Having walked most of the street, we settled on a 25-minute wait at the Ball and Chain. We were just glad to be out of the rain.

Eventually we were seated upstairs, and although the place looks very nice, the mains took ages to arrive after the entrees (maybe it's because they only use charcoal to cook the steaks) and my pepper steak was VERY peppery! The first mouthful was enough to provide internal heating to my gob.. too much in fact. We agreed that the pepper coating on the steak was so overpowering that you couldn't taste the steak, but I finished it nonetheless because it was a good medium rare. We'd had a lot of sides and entrees so everybody was pretty stuffed by the end of our meal, especially considering that we were all content after completing our entrees.

The walk back to the hotel was FREEZING. I was so cold that my tongue wouldn't behave properly (no I wasn't drunk) and I couldn't speak properly. The unavoidable shivering wasn't helping either. Needless to say I cranked up the air con to 26 degrees Celsius when I got back to my room, and really enjoyed the hot shower.

Work was more productive than yesterday. My client contacts are really friendly and we can share a laugh together, which makes me happy and allows me to enjoy my work more.

Had breakfast at 6.30 again - I've discovered that apricot slices and dry corn flakes are a tasty combination, as the cornflakes soak up the syrup and also stick to the apricot slices themselves. Yum!
They also played some good music during breakfast - a female cover of The Beatles' "Imagine", and Ben Harper's "Diamonds on the Inside" followed by "Steal My Kisses". Doesn't get any better! In fact we've been hearing quite a lot of good music around, i.e. the radio station we listen to in the car and in the hotel restaurant section. It's been a good mix of 90s pop favourites and more recent stuff, songs that I recognise but don't know who they're sung by.

Listened to Beth Rowley's album "Little Dreamer" as I got ready for work this morning. Currently listening to Goldfrapp, and was listening to the Soweto Gospel Choir from my phone's Walkman whilst showering. It took me back to memories of the Soweto Gospel Choir concert I went to earlier this year**.. that was such a special night for me. It was like seeing my heroes on stage. I don't consider the Choir as one of my heroes - in fact I don't really have any heroes in particular (although I do like to say "Ben Harper is my homeboy") - but I really love their music and the energy they have.

(**I've just written an email to the contact I obtained whilst at the concert - that night I asked around to try and see if I could get a photo with the whole choir, and although I wasn't able to, I got in touch with their manager and was able to write them a group email instead.)

I was thinking about this the other night - I really love African "township"-style and gospel-style music, but I don't listen to it that often, and I think I've realised why. It's because with African music, so much is lost in an audio recording. If you watch a Soweto Gospel Choir concert, or the DVD "Gumboots", or Ladysmith Black Mambazo in concert, you'll understand what I mean. I believe dance/physical movement in general is an essential part of African music, as well as the sense of community. For instance, watching Gumboots makes me so happy, I find it difficult to sit down and watch it. I have to get up and dance/shuffle along to the rhythms and sing along to the call-and-response melodies. African music is really beautiful and feels so essential to life in this regard, like breathing.

Haven't watched any movies yet. Watched the first ever episode of the Animals of Farthing Wood last night, and could barely stay awake through the 22-minute show. There's just not enough time at night to do anything else because dinner takes a long time, and then I'm too tired to stay up, and I end up staying up to blog because I'm so convinced that I need to blog at least once a day while on this trip.

Things I would like to do on this trip:
- Do some drawing (I brought a book and crayons)
- Make sure I keep a journal of Melbourne in my "Melbourne" book (same book as the one referred to above, and so-called because it was a gift from Melbourne)
- Write in my handwritten journal at some stage
- Keep reading Time magazine in the mornings at breakfast (I still haven't gotten to the article that I specifically bought this magazine for)
- Watch at least one TED.com video, if not more
- Read a few passages from my Spanish learning book - haven't touched it since getting here! :(
- Attempt to watch at least one DVD that I brought (tried watching a bit of DMB Live at Folsom Field yesterday morning but didn't last long)

I think that's about it. I am SO buggered. Time to hit the hay (or fall asleep to a DVD).. damn these blogs take up my time.

Hobart: Day 1 - Evening

Tonight we ate at the New Sydney Hotel, which is a nice little pub in the city of Hobart. It's got an Irish theme to it, and there's a lot of history in the place, with loads of framed & signed pieces by celebrities (such as Jimoein) and car number plates from all over the world, as well as all sorts of logo'd caps hanging from the walls. Mealwise, I had a lamb shank in red wine and rosemary and there were lots of entrees to share. Pimms & lemonade to drink, my standard alcoholic beverage.

First day of work went slowly but that's normal somewhat. The drive to the client site was scenic - Tasmania's topography is quite beautiful in my opinion, as there are lots of hills and paddocks built on hills. We drove past a large body of water and there were hundreds of black swans scattered across the bay, it was a fascinating sight.

Pretty tired, but enjoying it. Had a huge conversation about games towards the end of dinner.. everything from Doom to Super Mario, Mortal Kombat and Wolfenstein 3D cheat codes.. the Gran Turismo and GTA series, and beyond. A good trip down memory lane.

The most bizarre thing that happened during dinner tonight - we were discussing 80s music (or rather, the boys were), and I was about to ask one of them whether they were into Jeff Buckley.. and as the thought was forming in my head and I was about to open my mouth, Jeff Buckley's "Last Goodbye" started playing! Talk about a coinky dink! Psych-out..

Hobart: Day 1 - Morning

As usual, my alarms were no use.. because I woke up a solid hour before they were due to start ringing! I did NOT want to get up at 5.30am, so I forced myself back to sleep until 6am. Got up, had a shower, made the decision that my work shirt didn't need any ironing (I think some of the others might), and put on my polo shirt from yesterday to go and have breakfast at 6.30am. Everybody was scheduled to eat at 7.30, but because I was up so early I figured I might as well eat first and then clean up my room (it's still a weird concept that I don't actually need to tidy, because there's people who are paid to do that in hotels.. even outside of my own home I don't need to "look after myself"!).

Ordered a Full Breakfast, which is basically your choice of hot food and fruits/cereals/yoghurt, whereas a Continental Breakfast is just the fruits etc. A big scoop of scrambled eggs, a tomato, a rasher of bacon, a small scoop of mushrooms, two pieces of apricot and two glasses of orange juice were enough for me. Of course, me being me I ended up dropping both my knife and fork, and a piece of apricot when I was trying to spoon the fruit onto my plate, so by the end of my morning meal I had two pairs of knives and forks and two serviettes (one had the dropped apricot slice wrapped up).

To add further to my uncoordinated mess, I discovered early on that I had worn my polo shirt inside out. This was strange, because I thought I'd left it turned inside out last night and so I'd tried to wear it the right way out. Luckily I'd brought my lovely shawl along so I draped that over the most obvious parts (collar and buttons) and I'm sure nobody else noticed.

Time for work. Day 1 should be interesting! I wonder we'll have for dinner tonight..

Hobart: the arrival

Virgin Blue flight. I've never been on such a big plane before.. it seated more than 30 people!* ;)

*Last year I flew to Albury for work and it was a Rex (Regional Express) flight.. I think it seated about 33 people and it had propellers too. [N.B.: Before last year's trip, I hadn't been on a plane since I was about 3 or 4, so I had no recollection of what a plane flight was like, except for the round bread roll that was part of the flight food. And the UHT milk container thing.]

The most exciting part about a plane flight is when the plane begins to take off from the tarmac. After that, it's all about trying to keep occupied because you definitely can't fall asleep sitting on such an upright seat. I read a bit of the Time magazine I bought on Friday, and then listened to a Hamish & Andy podcast.

Taxi ride to the Old Woolstore Apartments was about 20-30 mins. Met up with the others, then drinks at the Baaa Bar. Pimms & lemonade, and then a Little Creatures Pale Ale. Mixing drinks (i.e. spirits and beer), especially on an empty stomach, is not a good idea. So I ordered room service.

Tomato and capsicum soup with a small loaf of damper. Heaven at 11.30pm on a cold summer night in Hobart (12 degrees Celsius.. oh man.. I totally didn't pack appropriate clothing) when one hasn't had dinner (a prawn tempura sushi roll at the domestic airport at 7pm just doesn't cut it) yet.

Almost midnight now. Listening to the first ever mixtape I received from my boy. It brings back good memories, and the songs are beautiful too. I think I'll let it play throughout the night to keep my company. I've brought my Care Bear (it's a special one - he's dressed in a bee suit and has crinkly wings too) and Tigger. A week or two ago I discovered that they sell Care Bears at Coles.. really want to start a collection.

Need to hang up my work clothes in the closet, get changed, get the extra quilt from the closet for warmth, brush my teeth, then go to sleep. 7.30am breakfast tomorrow for an 8am drive to Boyer. And so begins the working week..

Counting down for the Melbourne weekend.

it's all about the people

It's been a while since the last post, and I am having a much more positive relationship with life and love. And besides, life couldn't be up if it didn't have it's downs. :)

Just finished my second week of work, and although I don't think I was 100% productive and efficient, I had a great time in terms of preparing for the weeks ahead and also starting to develop new friendships with people I'd never really talked to before, as well as a stronger relationship with current friends. There are some really good people at work. When I say "good" people, I don't mean that in a work-skills sense - there are lots of people who are excellent at what they do, like Ruse there are many high performers here - but I mean it in the sense that they have a good heart, and there is something more to them than just doing a good job at work. It's these people who I like the most, and hopefully I'll be able to develop stronger bonds with the right people during my summer holiday work.


Quotes from Souled On.

"I know but one freedom and that is the freedom of the mind."
Antoine de Saint-Exupery

"You can only protect your liberties in this world by protecting the other man's freedom. You can only be free if I am free."
Clarence Darrow

"Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you."
Jean-Paul Sartre

"Ultimately we know deeply that the other side of every fear is a freedom."
Marilyn Ferguson

purge.

Sick of it all.

End. Life.

it's so curious..

There are just too many things that seem to happen by chance..

- Told a friend tonight about how much I miss playing saxophone, and that I wanted to borrow his alto sometime.. and then it turns out that he's got a house party in my area this weekend so he can actually drop it off!

- Had a random craving to listen to Miriam Makeba's music a few days before I discovered that she had passed away.

- After a few moments of silence one day, I had a desire to ask my boyfriend if he loved me. I thought about asking him, then decided to say nothing instead.. and shortly thereafter, he asked me the exact same question.

These are just a few recent examples. Things like this seem to happen on a moderately regular basis. I just don't understand. It's too much to be just pure random coincidence in my opinion.. I feel like I must have some kind of psychic ability that I haven't tapped into yet. I probably sound like a crazy person when I say that, but I do believe it. Something to ponder..

Sinner - Neil Finn

See it anyone got my eyes got my face
Sing it everyone got my nose got my blood
Conscience plays upon me now
Safe until my luck runs out
Cuckoos call, pendulum swings
I thought you knew everything
Lift my hands make the cross

Sinner I have never learned
Beginner I cannot return
Forever I must walk this earth
Like some forgotten soldier

Those things I should keep to myself
But I feel somehow strangely compelled
Under moonlight I stood wild and naked
Felt no shame just my spirit awakened

Sinner
Seein' everything, got my eyes got my face
Fireball drop from the sky
All my dreams have come to pass
Where's my faith is it lost
Can't see it till I cast it off

Sinner there is no such thing
Beginner I have learned to sing
Forever I must walk this earth
Like some forgotten soldier

Today I am still disconnected
To the face that I saw in the clouds
And the closest I get to contentment
Is when all of the barriers come down

Sinner
These things I should keep to myself
But I feel somehow strangely compelled
And the closest I get to contentment
Is when all of the barriers come down

Sinner

---

Listening to old albums. Australian music is great. Looking forward to listening to Vusi on the train to work this morning. He's South African.

patience is a virtue.. albeit a difficult one

Every time I feel like asking for something from him because I feel like I'm the one who's been trying hard, I stop myself. All the things I've done lately are because I love and care, and not because I want something in return. So I'm just going to keep my mouth shut and be happy in the knowledge that I'm doing good things.

And I wish my heart would stop big-beating and just be normal-beating.. it's bothersome and it scares me sometimes. According to Lan it's a sinus rhythm and it happens when pressure builds up in the heart so it tries to solve the problem by making an 'escape beat', ie. a big beat to try and release the pressure. I just think my heart aches in a romantic fashion.. and obviously he has to do something about that! :P

Ode To The Drum

Gazelle, I killed you
for your skin's exquisite
touch, for how easy it is
to be nailed to a board
weathered raw as white
butcher paper. Last night
I heard my daughter praying
for the meat here at my feet.
You know it wasn't anger
that made me stop my heart
till the hammer fell. Weeks
ago, I broke you as a woman
once shattered me into a song
beneath her weight, before
you slouched into that
grassy hush. But now
I'm tightening lashes,
shaping hide as if around
a ribcage, stretched
like five bowstrings.
Ghosts cannot slip back
inside the body's drum.
You've been seasoned
by wind, dusk & sunlight.
Pressure can make everything
whole again, brass nails
tacked into the ebony wood
your face has been carved
five times. I have to drive
trouble from the valley.
Trouble in the hills.
Trouble on the river
too. There's no kola nut,
palm wine, fish, salt,
or calabash. Kadoom.
Kadoom. Kadoom. Ka-
doooom. Kadoom. Now
I have beaten a song back into you,
rise & walk away like a panther.

-- Yusef Komunyakaa

boredom posts

Two exams down, two to go. I'm almost there. Today's effort wasn't the best - in some ways it was better than expected, in other ways it wasn't what I'd hoped. But that's just how it is with exams.. a bit of knowledge, and a bit of luck.. combine the two and I'm hoping for a pass!

Agreed to study for the next exam with a friend, so just waiting for her to finish the exam and making the most of my idle time by blogging. Perhaps not the most appropriate use of spare time during exams, but even this is more productive than how I've spent my other days..

Pretty excited that Barack Obama is going to be the 44th President of the United States. I hope that the US and the rest of the world becomes a better place with his assistance. I don't actually know much about his policies but I think over the coming years I'll follow the news more because  I'm interested in seeing what he does.

---

Been exhausted all day. I'm unreceptive; his jokes aren't as funny, his stories not as interesting. So tired and flushed with heat, I don't have the energy to look happy. He takes it personally - he becomes unsettled because he can't seem to make me happy. Truth is he doesn't have to try. Just seeing him and walking beside him, I feel content, relieved, at ease. I try and be perkier; now he's tired and unresponsive. An odd yin and yang.

learning to believe in myself

In the later stages of high school, I had a lot of emotional experiences at home that caused me a lot of tears, frustration, stress, and general self-criticism. However it also inspired me to indulge in a lot (and I mean A LOT) of reflection. Reflection on myself, and reflection on life and others around me. I confided in a teacher, who became my closest friend (ironically, at a distance, for fear of inciting student-teacher relationship rumours). Sometimes the conversations were just about music, because I didn't really want to talk about my problems. Other times, the problems were plaguing me and I would be a waterfall of words and tears of frustration. But that's not the point.

Occasionally - not too often, because it would dull the impact, but just enough so it was a special thought - I was told that I was a strong person inside with a lot of courage. Me being me (I am usually self-deprecating if not overly modest at times), I didn't really believe it and only took it as a nice compliment.

But looking back over the years, and the kinds of decisions I've made (whether they have been good or bad, who knows), the difficulties I've endured, and the experiences I've been a part of.. it's made me realise that yes, you should be humble, but at the same time you should not discount who you are.

Ever since being hailed as a "show-off" in primary school by some of my girl friends back then, I've been ashamed (to an extent) of displaying my abilities in public. Yes, I enjoy performing and being on stage whether it's solo or in a group - because I like entertaining people, not because I want to "show-off". Consequently, many times I performed with the depressing thought that people would be bitching behind my back.

"Look at her, she thinks she's so good."

I think this bothered me the most maybe in Year 11 or 12. Ironically, I think that was probably the time when it would have been least likely to happen.

Anyways this post is getting long winded!

All I wanted to say is that I believe I am a strong person. I am certain that I have faults, like any human being will, but I have a lot of strengths too, and I should never feel the need to discount myself for anybody else. It's not easy, and I'm sure there are many people out there who will never find the courage nor the willpower to achieve this. But for whoever may read this post, I hope it is of some encouragement for self-reflection, a removal of negative self-criticism and an installment of positive self-belief.

I accept and understand my weaknesses, and in doing so I embrace my strengths.

Rives is riveting!

Don't believe me?



This guy is good. :)


2.13am - Update: THIS GUY IS AWESOME!

I love his poetry. He is an enchanting fellow. It's in the passion. I think I've just developed a literary crush..



And this. The rhymes are so damn subtle, you might not have noticed them if I hadn't mentioned them..

oh, and this..

Kinda funny :) I've definitely never seen many of the emoticons in this video!

late-night antics

I first discovered Vusi Mahlasela while watching the documentary Amandla! A Revolution in Four-Part Harmony. The doco is about how music played an important role in the fight against Apartheid - freedom songs and the like.

Mahlasela was a political activist during the time, and he is also an amazing musician with a beautiful voice. I think he's also a poet, if I remember correctly. It's reflected in his music anyhow, a seamless weave of melody and storytelling.

Here are two clips of Vusi I've come across tonight while browsing TED.com. I highly recommend the website, as it hosts a vast array of intellectual speeches as well as musical and other artistic performances.

The first song is Thula Mama, which incidentally features in the Amandla! documentary. The second one is called Woza, and although there is a lot of percussive vocals at the beginning, the song progresses into more melody and lyrics if you're willing to watch the whole clip :)





Really want to get my hands on a copy of his album(s).. I may need to order them in from overseas though.. maybe when the Aussie dollar goes up..

inadequacies? or differences?

I can't help it if I'm a forgetful person, and I have to ask the same questions over and over.

When somebody writes to me, whether it's an email or a text message etc, I read over the words lots of times. I don't know why, but it feels like if I read them once, it's not doing the words any justice. Maybe that's why I'm so good at picking up inconsistencies or grammatical errors (etc) from documents. I just have a natural tendency to mull over the written word.

From my previous experiences, I've discovered that if somebody teaches me how do to something at work, I need to write everything down step-by-step, because I can't recall everything they tell me once they've finished. I refer to my notes a few times in doing the task, and once I've done it a few times over an extended period of time (maybe a few days or a few weeks depending on the frequency of the task), it'll set itself in the collective conscious knowledge in my mind.

Same goes for my friends and whatever it is about their life that they are telling me about. I find myself forgetting quite a lot, or remembering the most abstract things about people. Quite frustrating, really. It makes it seem like I'm either uninterested or not listening properly. But that's not true! I'm just bad at remembering things sometimes. Okay, maybe a lot of the time.

Why is this? I don't know. Maybe I didn't have a good-memory gene handed down to me. Or maybe it's because I have such a broad variety of interests and social circles that I'm used to flitting about from one thought to another, making it difficult to focus on retaining a lot from any one source.

In any case, I'm trying to be a better listener for the people who matter to me the most. It's had quite positive results so far in my opinion, and hopefully I'll become a better people person.

Lux et veritas

Light and truth. What a beautiful phrase.

I hope Obama is the change we can believe in

You know the world's a troubled place when even the most mellow musicians are writing politically-inspired songs.

A reference to Jack Johnson and his latest album, Sleep Through The Static

tomorrow's forecast

I check the Bureau of Meteorology's website on a regular basis now, because they seem to be doing an alright job at predicting the weather, and I never know what's in store the next day unless I check their forecast.

Tomorrow is predicted to be 36 degrees Celsius, and their summary description was

"Hot.*"

I had to laugh :)

(*They also wrote "Chance late shower/storm" afterwards, but the first comment sounded so Captain Obvious-like when I read it!)

P.S. They also have a cool section on Indigenous weather forecasting, which I only noticed today. Haven't had a proper chance to look at it yet, but sounds like it's a new project they're working on. Interesting stuff!

Floetry - If I Was A Bird

(Spoken) Sometimes blindness finds me
and leads me through ignorance
not allowing us to gain experience
so we become lifeless
At other times I cover with
self pity or walk aimlessly through reality so
Occasionally I choose to travel alone
but never fulfil my possibility so
mostly I attempt to achieve balance
by seeking right knowledge of loving
and reviewing and eventually overstanding those
many lessons of my life

You got me caught in a stormy eye world of dreams
And I beg to see truth and promises you've made to me
Now we’ve come so far but my visions of happiness
With you in my life I’m afraid and confused
If I was a bird I’d fly

If I was a bird I’d fly away
Spread my wings so I’d escape
If I was the sky
I’d let it rain to wash away the pain

If I was a bird I’d fly away
Spread my wings so I’d escape
If I was the sky
I’d let it rain to wash away the pain

Now why do I feel so alone
Knowing I know I have you
And what made you turn around on me
What did I do
And when did love feel this way
So much pain and misery
Where’s the you I once knew
And could ya fly with me

If I was a bird I’d fly away
Spread my wings so I’d escape
If I was the sky
I’d let it rain to wash away the pain

If I was a bird I’d fly away
Spread my wings so I’d escape
If I was the sky
I’d let it rain to wash away the pain

Now I can’t stay
You won’t need me
Set me free and let me fly
Oh fly with me
Fly with me me
Fly with me yeah
Fly oh fly fly

If I was a bird I’d fly away
Spread my wings so I’d escape
If I was the sky
I’d let it rain to wash away the pain

If I was a bird I’d fly away
Spread my wings so I’d escape
If I was the sky
I’d let it rain to wash away the pain

Fly away

If I was the sky
I’d let it rain to wash the pain

Fly away

love does not keep a record of wrongs

Trying to surprise somebody and make them happy is extremely difficult with a smile on your face when all they seem to do is upset you at every turn before you present them with your surprise. I wanted so dearly to make him happy, and I think I managed it in the end, but even now the tears well to my eyes because there were so many moments leading up to the surprise where I felt like I was trying to fight a current of upsetting feelings, because he was abrupt at times and/or grumpy at times from lack of sleep/hot weather/traffic/etc.. Again, maybe I need to just relax some more and not take everything so personally. But sometimes I wish he was more aware of what he's doing and/or how's he communicating.

The fact that I've written all of the above is a bit ironic, given the title of this post. But I needed to get it off my chest somehow. My morning didn't start well - I slipped over while stepping out of the shower (and now there's a nice bruise on my leg, no serious injuries thankfully), and I had a bad start to my driving test (and felt like I made a ridiculous number of mistakes) which apparently didn't affect my score that much - I passed and received my red P's which was a huge relief as I was very certain I'd failed. So emotions were riding high, I couldn't get through to him because of bad phone reception, and when I did I felt bad because he was so tired he couldn't even talk. In another phone conversation later that afternoon I asked a small favour and he got pretty exasperated over the phone, which was the kicker. I felt pretty crap after that, but forgot about it in the hope that things would be better when we met up.

Little things bother me, but only because there seems to be lots of little things all at once, which accumulate and push me to tears. I still believe I only cry out of frustration.. or empathy for somebody else (usually a Disney character of some sort), and even then that's only because they attach emotional music to the important scene!

Anyways - the summary? Lots of things bothered me today, but I don't care, because I genuinely surprised him and made him happy, and that in itself makes me feel peaceful. Love does not keep a record of wrongs, and I intend to make it that way.

if love is akin to mental illness..

..then I am a complete maniac.

I want to be able to tell him every day that I love him, without destroying the impact behind those three words that are so difficult to utter together. I don't want to waste a single moment; he's who I live for and who I would die for. And the worst part is, I don't know if he'll ever understand the depth of emotion I feel. Maybe I'm wrong; maybe what I'm searching for is a woman's compassion and understanding, and trying to receive that from a man would be a near impossible task it seems. All I want is to find a way to show him what I feel, so that he thinks to himself "Wow, she really loves me." I want to live my life with the knowledge that he understands why I do the things I do. It's because I'm so in love.

there must be too many words in the English language

What kind of a word is "limn"?!

It's like they ran out of letter combinations!

I mean, I appreciate the history of the word, ie. its roots, but its form as of today is a bit too random for my liking..

tidy inbox = clear mind

There's something really satisfying about going through your email and/or phone inbox and deleting old emails/messages. Every now and again I will purge all messages from my phone, both sent and received. I usually do it when I want to rid myself of whatever emotions I'm feeling at the time, and I feel refreshed/can start anew.

Right now, I'm making an effort to get rid of all the shit in my email. I consolidated my two gmail accounts many weeks ago, and now I am going through and doing the occasional clean up.

Yes it's a form of procrastination, but it's also an effort to keep all my correspondence organised so I know where everything is. An email account is just like having a stack of letters on your desk - you should get rid of all the crap you no longer need, because it's a waste of space.. the only difference is that people generally don't feel the need to clean up their emails because it's online and not actually taking up any physical space. And with email accounts having more space nowadays, there's hardly any chance that you'll run out of megabytes, so again there's less motivation for a clean-up.

Edit (10.22pm): I'm also unsubscribing from websites (et al) that I don't use or haven't used for a long time. It's easy to just delete the emails that occasionally grace your inbox, but I'd prefer to remove my personal details from random websites instead. I mean, you wouldn't randomly leave your phone number and address lying around on the ground in real life, so why would you do that to yourself on the World Wide Web?

Quote - Thomas A. Edison

"What you are will show in what you do."

Definitely true, and definitely something to think about. Because I have a lot of improving to do.

Quotes - James A. Baldwin

I picked up the following quotes from souledonmusic.blogspot.com, a blog that I have recently started following. Highly recommended if you're into old-school soul music and hip-hop/rap etc.. this dude picks some amazing tunes for the reader's listening pleasure!

"Life is tragic simply because the earth turns and the sun inexorably rises and sets, and one day, for each of us, the sun will go down for the last, last time."

It's a scary thought. But I guess each of us has to accept that we will not live on this planet forever. I don't know if there's another life after this one, or whether we transcend to another world, another planet, or another realm that is beyond human comprehension. Who knows. Maybe our spirits disperse and become absorbed by other spirits, whether it be fauna or flora.

"Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within."

Perhaps it does. In any case, my better half knows so much about me, more than I would have ever thought, but I wouldn't want it any other way. I truly believe that honesty and openness is the way to go, even that means having to make the occasional confession. Love is great (I'm such a Romantic), and it really does make you do some crazy things (love is not dissimilar to mental illness.. check it).

"No one can possibly know what is about to happen: it is happening, each time, for the first time, for the only time."

Guess this could be a light or dark quote, depending on your own interpretation. Take each moment as it comes, I suppose!

"You know, it's not the world that was my oppressor, because what the world does to you, if the world does it to you long enough and effectively enough, you begin to do to yourself."

A bit of a dark quote, isn't it? Feels a bit 1984-esque. Still contemplating the words.

a nice way to end the weekend

Briefly went to see Sculptures by the Sea (SxS) this evening, just before sundown. Didn't see much but I don't think there was much to see, to be honest. I still maintain that the best year was 2005, the year that I first visited SxS. Ever since then, the exhibition has diminished a little in impressiveness each year.

I convinced my boy to come with me and I was so glad we made it to Bondi. It wasn't so much the sculptures, but the walk itself that made me happy. He was exhausted and therefore not very talkative, but I was so happy just to be out there walking with him.. I think the only reason I was able to contain the level of happiness I was experiencing was that my shoes would have gone flying if I'd tried to jump around and/or run around, and that he would have been even more exhausted if not completely unresponsive to any crazy antics of mine.

I don't really know why it sometimes feels as though life is the biggest struggle when he's not beside me. But what I do know is that he does a hell of a lot for me, and I need to make sure he knows I appreciate every single moment.

out of this foc-ing world

Currently listening to Rodrigo y Gabriela's album Re-Foc on shuffle.

This is the first time I'm listening to the album, and the first track I heard was Track 6 - Paris.

Blew me away.

The next track which is the one I'm currently listening to is Track 7 - Take 5 (Foc-ing version 9).

Incredible stuff.

Rodrigo y Gabriela is an amazing pair of guitarists. Let's hope they never end their relationship and therefore their musical genius!

Quote - Nikki Giovanni

"It is wrong to think that love comes from long companionship and persevering courtship. Love is the offspring of spiritual affinity and unless that affinity is created in a moment, it will not be created for years or even generations."

It's an interesting thought. And maybe there's some truth to it.

I have a habit of making a decision on whether or not I like somebody based on the 'vibe' they emanate during the first (or first few) meetings. Sometimes I'm wrong, but manytimes I'm right. Thinking about the relationship I'm in, and how I picked him all those years ago, in an almost prophetic motion.. it makes you wonder..

Quote - Charles M. Schulz

"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt."

from ribs to raps

Last night I went out to Ribs & Rumps for dinner with Lan, one of his best friends and her boyfriend, and some of my school friends and their friends/relations. The food was great - unexpectedly so - I ordered lamb ribs and they were very tasty! I thought Lan had ordered a mixed grill, but a breakdown in communications meant that he thought I'd ordered for him, while I thought he'd ordered for himself.. and so there were only 7 meals for a table of 8. I initially felt guilty but that was shadowed by overwhelming embarrassment.. but all's well that ends well, because Ming was able to share his mixed grill and thankfully nobody went hungry. There was definitely a lot of food on the table, so I'm sure everybody left feeling satisfied to say the least!

I wasn't feeling well, so I chose to take a raincheck on the ice cream trip and went home instead. I had a great conversation in the car about the culture and history behind hip-hop and rap music - for instance, did you know that Puff Daddy (a.k.a. P. Diddy) created the modern-day remix? I had no idea! Respect! - it was so enlightening, and made me re-appreciate the music style(s). I learnt about beats and where they come from (in terms of US location), and a bit about the timeline of rap and key artists of the genre, and who represents the East or West-side of the game. Etc.

It was such a great conversation! I love nothing more than a deep, refreshing conversation about music. That really topped off my evening. :)

normality. it's great!

Lately - meaning, the past week or so - I've been having a great time in my relationship. But what makes it especially blogworthy for me is that I feel like I've been more relaxed about it all. Less worrying, less sulking, less unrealistic expectations, less jealousy.. it is such a refreshing feeling! It's like all of a sudden I've grown up just that little bit more, and I'm getting more out of the relationship because of it (meaning that feeling even better about it than I was before).

For the last month or more, I've been making a real effort to make sure I'm a better listener, making mental notes in my head about what he likes, what he's just updated me on.. and again I feel much better for it, and gone are the days where I ask myself "What am I going to get him?" for whatever special event it is that is usually commemorated with a gift. Instead, I feel like I've got too many choices - or rather, items keep springing out at me when I'm browsing stores, and I have to remind myself that if I buy all these items at once, I won't actually end up saving them for an occasion, I'll end up giving them to him on a random evening and then I'll be at a loss for gift ideas.

It's nice to have life smiling down on me like this. It doesn't happen often enough sometimes.

catching up..

..on podcasts. Hamish and Andy's segments from during the Beijing Games are hilarious!

what a week!

And it's not over yet (unless you're one of those people who believe Sunday is the first day of the week. Imagine if the actual first day of the week was like, Friday. That would mess with people's minds.)!

I'm so very tired - tomorrow will be no exception - but there's so much to write about. I'll just mention what I've been up to.

Went to the gym on Tuesday. Went to uni on Tuesday and Wednesday (during uni HOLIDAYS! Can't they just give us less work). Lan & I visited Taronga Zoo on Thursday, which was lots of fun! Would love to go again :) And last night I attended Dani & Zhi Wen's joint 21st, which was also lots of fun.

It feels like I've been going non-stop all week.. managed to sleep in until midday today which was much-needed. But I have to be up by 6.30am tomorrow so I think I'll take an early night tonight as well.. golf at 7.40am.. what a struggle..

re-runs

Films I currently want to watch again (I love these so much):

- The Science Of Sleep
- The Motorcycle Diaries


Films I have to watch again (because I fell asleep partway through or otherwise):

- Anchorman
- Zoolander (I've seen this a few times in as many years and STILL haven't finished the damn thing!)
- Be Kind, Rewind

this post is ironic..

..but, why am I so verbose?

---

In other ponderments - why is it always harder to get down from someplace that you've climbed up?

under the guise of anonymity.. almost

I try to keep this blog as 'neutral' as possible, i.e. I try to avoid mentioning names as much as possible to maintain an element of privacy and generalisation rather than writing tales about specific people. The generalisation appeals to me because I feel like humans all have a set of similar experiences so that they are able to relate to somebody's writing.. but when you start including names it becomes different.. okay I'm rambling again.. but I'm mentioning this because I find it quite difficult to omit names in some instances. So trying to hide the fact that this blog is mine, is not really possible I believe, given the nature of the content.

Thus I will continue to write without trying [too hard] to maintain an element of privacy - I have my handwritten journal for that.

sandcastle, then sandman

I was browsing a friend's photos from the annual Yr12 trip to Balmoral, and I suddenly had to ask myself-

Why are we so fascinated with creating sandcastles?

Is there some kind of hidden symbolic relationship between the sandcastle and our life aspirations?

Hmmm..

I shall ponder this briefly as I fall asleep. Time for bed..

music, the other love of my life

I was about to write that music was the love of my life, but I feel like the boy takes first place nowadays. That said, I'm no less obsessed about music than I was before (which says something about how obsessed I am about my man!), and today I've been rediscovering jazz vocals. Mostly Ella Fitzgerald and Peggy Lee. I absolutely adore the old-school recordings, the slightly fuzzy sound quality and the bouncy walk-along style beat that reminds me of black-and-white musicals and film recordings you see in documentaries about the jazz era. I love how lots of different singers and instrumentalists have covered the same jazz standards - it's even more fascinating when modern-day artists do it in a very different style (e.g. Jamie Cullum).

Currently listening to Perry Como - oh my what a voice! Reminds me a bit of Frank Sinatra but I like this more because to me, Perry Como isn't as well-known/commercial as ol' Blue Eyes.

Maybe this kind of music is a bit of an acquired taste for people my age.. I think most of my friends would be totally disinterested or think of this music as cheesy if they heard it. I don't think the boy would be particularly excited by it either. But this kind of music makes me so happy-go-lucky and content sometimes, I wish I had somebody to share it with.

Actually now that I think of it, this music isn't quite jazz, but it isn't quite Broadway/musical either.. it's the kind of music that features in the opening credits for movies like Bambi (Disney). Bambi was created in the 40s (1942 to be exact, according to Wikipedia), so I will conclude that I am currently listening to USA-in-the-1940s-style music, and I am totally in love with Perry Como's voice right now.

A digression: Also getting back into my love of R&B, and looking forward to listening to the likes of Maxwell, Chris Brown and Ne-Yo. When I have the craving for R&B tunes, I feel that extra bit closer to my boy, and it makes me happy from the inside out.

love jazz. love R&B. love music.

but most of all,

love you.

happy in love

Love.

I can't function with it, and I can't survive without it.

---

I dont need me a basketball player
All I need is somebody that's down for me
And he don't have to have money
His love is just like honey
It's so sweet to me
He can have everything in this world
But he'll sacrifice it all for me
And I made up my mind
I'm in love this time
And it feels so real

And I
Know that he won't break my heart
And I
Know that we won't ever part
It's time, time for us to settle down
And I
Wanna be with him forever

They can say that I am crazy
For makin' him my baby
But that's how it's gon' be
See I done been through many changes
But this one I ain't changing
It's gon' stay the same

I can have everything in this world
But I'll sacrifice it all for him
And I made up my mind
I'm in love this time
And it feels so real

I love you
And all of the things that you do
Oh baby please
I need you (I need you)
So believe me (I do)
I do (ooh)
Cause I love you (I love you)
And every lil thing baby (you do)
They don't know how I feel
Cause I know this is real

-- Ciara, "And I"

---

Let's go back in time
When seeing your ID on mine
Made me crazy
Ooh baby I'm saying

Let's go back there
Let's take it there

I'm talking 'bout
Back in time
When you wanted to know my every move
Tried to keep it smooth
Keepin' up with me
You drove me crazy, ohh baby

Let's go back there
Let's take it there

When you
Didn't know me
Didn't need me
I wanted to touch me
Couldn't leave me
I couldn't know how
Far this would go
I couldn't know if
This was for sure
We just could not
We just could not get enough of it baby, let's go

Have that wreckless love
That crazy love
That off-the-wall, won't-stop-'til-I-get-enough kind of love
I need that love
So baby, let's go

Have that wreckless love
That crazy love
That I-don't-really-care-we-can-have-it-anywhere kind of love
That wreckless love

Let's go back in time
When our kiss was brand new
An adventure not perfected
A little hesitant

Let's go back there
Let's take it there

Take it back in time
When forever was a minute, and eternity was a second
I'm stressing that we have to go back there
Let's take it there..

When you
Didn't know me
Didn't need me
Wanted to touch me
Couldn't leave me
I couldn't know how
Far this would go
I couldn't know if
This was for sure
We just could not
We just could not get enough of it baby, let's go

Have that wreckless love
That crazy love
That off-the-wall, won't-stop-'til-I-get-enough kind of love
I need that love
So baby, let's go

Have that wreckless love
That crazy love
That I-don't-really-care-we-can-have-it-anywhere kind of love
That wreckless love

Ooh baby, let's go

Have that wreckless love
That crazy love
That off-the-wall, won't-stop-'til-I-get-enough kind of love
I need that love
So baby, let's go

Have that wreckless love
That crazy love
That I-don't-really-care-we-can-have-it-anywhere kind of love
That wreckless love

-- Alicia Keys, "Wreckless Love"

---

Let's go back there..
Let's take it there..

a culinary mistake

Ok so I asked for some Mi Goreng for dinner tonight.

We have two packs at home that I bought ages ago - one was the standard MG, and I decided to buy a satay-flavoured one for a different taste.

Mum calls me out to the kitchen because she can't remember what to do with the flavour satchets, so I begin emptying them out onto the plate as usual. Except there seems to be quite a lot of packets to open! It looks a bit odd because I recognise some of them from the standard packet, but there's also new satchets I've never seen. Therefore I assume that they're all a part of the satay-flavoured MG.

I go back into my room to do something, and then Mum calls me back out to eat the noodles.. and I see a huge pile of noodles on my plate. At this point I realise what has just happened - she'd opened both packs of noodles, hence the many flavour satchets.. oh man.. biggest mistake ever! I can't believe we ended up mixing both packs of noodles together. It wasn't very tasty. My first mistake was probably the purchase of the satay MG - maybe it was because of the unfortunate combination, but there was a weird aftertaste that I really didn't like. The noodles were also a little on the runny (i.e. too moist) side because the water hadn't been fully drained out. Oh man.. I think this is the stuff epic fails are made of.

In an effort to save the noodles, I mixed in a generous amount of sweet chili sauce into the noodles and managed to eat at least half of what was on my plate. But I definitely wasn't able to finish it. Let's never do that again.. probably serves me right, I should be making my own dinners at my age..

it's a dance dance revolution

Bumped into a good friend of mine at uni just before class, so we agreed to meet up afterwards. Gave him a call and joined him at a group meeting he was having, somehow ended up talking about where I was born and where I live now, and ended up being offered a ride home by one of his group mates! Wicked!

So the three of us were walking out of the building and then we run into another friend who knows all three of us, which is also great, and as he also lives in our general direction we all walk together to the car. It was such a random happening, but so much fun - KLour and Phromjom are two of the coolest guys to hang out with, and Harish was a legend for offering rides to all of us. A very generous chap :) Phromjom's the only one who lives in a completely different direction so he was dropped off at the station while the rest of us headed home.

The reason I'm mentioning this is because of the conversation that ensued in the car. The remaining three of us somehow got to talking about dancing and dance forms, mostly of the "urban"/"street-dance" variety. Popping, locking, groove, boogaloo, animation, robot, krumping, crips and bloods, battling, clubbing, .. to name most. We talked about the history of various styles and their associated techniques, how they were formed, who created them, dance legends, the culture and misrepresentations of hip-hop and gangsta rap (amongst others) in the eye of the general public.. it was such an enlightening and fulfilling conversation. I learnt so much in those 40 or so minutes, I wish we'd chatting at home or in a bar instead of being on the road because we could have talked for hours. KLour is a passionate person about dance, and he knows so much about the hip-hoppin' world that I've wanted to learn about but never really gotten around to doing.

Although there has been a steady stream of dance movies over the years (Center Stage, Save The Last Dance, Step Up I & II, Rize, Stomp The Yard to mention a few), I think shows such as SYTYCD and America's Best Dance Crew have really brought dancers into the spotlight and re-energised peoples' interest in various forms of dance these days. Salsa dancing appears to be the growing trend within my social circle, and I've always had a group (or groups) of friends interested in the hip-hop culture and dance forms. I personally really enjoy dancing and learning about various styles from those who excel and/or are passionate about it. It's like stepping into a totally different world - it's so easy to just dance however you feel, but once you decide to get serious about it, it's like trying to devour all the books in a library in a single day. There is a huge wealth of knowledge waiting to be taught to those who wish to learn.

I guess what I'm trying to get at with all of this, is that I think it's easy for people to write off dancers as being "unintelligent" simply because they don't bury their heads in numbers and books. But it's a whole different culture and lifestyle that those people are missing out on. Dancers make the dancing look easy. But you can't just spit out a good technique like you can copy out a maths formula.

Similarly, the hip-hop culture is in my opinion often overlooked by older generations as being rowdy (sub-woofer, anyone?) and dangerous (gangsta rap and all that East-side/West-side rivalry, etc) and so on. But again, there is a depth to the culture that many people are not educated about. I admit that I don't know a huge deal about it all, but I feel that I know enough to be able to respect it for what it is, and would love to learn more about it.

Anyway I'm rambling now so I'd better stop. Artists (in both performing and creative arts) are so underrated sometimes!

total cuteness

One of my little friends* posted this status update on Facebook:

"[Name omitted] is sighing her squished little heart out."

That has got to be the cutest statement I have heard all year! She is so adorable :)

*Definition: Anybody from the class of '09 or '10. Because they are YOUNG!

fun in the sun

Okay so this morning I played a bit of Gostop before I met up with my boy. I only played for 30 or 40 mins..

Lan and I drove out to Manly for a big breakfast/brunch, which turned out to be not as big as we'd hoped, but still very yummy. We also went shopping - he bought a new pair of groovy shoes, and I bought a skirt, a top and a party dress to replace my old one (finally!). When I say 'old', I'm talking around 4 years, so I think my purchase was justified . I don't buy clothes often, mostly because I can't afford to, but also mostly because there's nothing out there that particularly attracts me these days. I'm probably just looking in the wrong places.. but I'm not a hardcore shopper so I usually don't go out of my way to find awesome shops.

After brunch/shopping, to Freshie for some sun and surf with mates. The sun was harsh, but the surf was icy cold - I couldn't feel my feet after a few minutes of being in the water! Nevertheless we all had a bit of fun with a mini NFL ball until the unanimous decision was that it was too cold to stay in the water. Abort, return to towels, dry out and heat up, and then back into the water. Repeat numerous times. It was totally worth it :)

Today's beach trip was the first in a long while - the previous summer at least. And with memories of the last trip lingering in my mind I found that I was automatically afraid of the oncoming waves, no matter how small. I felt as though I didn't know what to do against them, and where I would usually dive down into the water and stay near the sand to let the waves ride over me, I felt a fear that stopped me from diving into the water at all. I didn't want to stray out too far, just incase a big wave started to break near the shore. There were only one or two medium-ish waves that I was hit by today, but even then I wanted to be clinging onto Lan's arm for safety and protection. I'm surprised that I've been so affected by the incident from last summer, but I hope that in the upcoming months I will be able to face my fear and be rid of it. Strangely enough, it wasn't until my boy and I were leaving the beach that I realised this was the beach where I'd been severely wave-dumped. So maybe it was a subconscious fear of the same mistake being made at the same beach. Maybe I'll be okay at all other beaches. I hope so.

TBTTHTMT: Big breakfast with my boy. Finally buying clothes. Soaking up plenty of sun and enjoying the sunscreen (I used to hate the stuff but now I quite like it). Spending time with old friends.. I definitely don't get to see them enough!

Game-ban: Success!

Day 10 is now officially over, and I have successfully avoided all the games I wanted to avoid. Awesome! Admittedly I have been thinking about Gostop a lot. However I think I won't play it straightaway, I'll give it a few days if not longer - I have lots to do with my time anyway.

Lucky

Do you hear me,
Talking to you
Across the water across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky, oh my, baby I'm trying

Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard

Lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Ooohh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

They don't know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I'll wait for you I promise you, I will

Lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Lucky we're in love every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

And so I'm sailing through the sea
To an island where we'll meet
You'll hear the music fill the air
I'll put a flower in your hair

Though the breezes through the trees
Move so pretty you're all I see
As the world keeps spinning round
You hold me right here right now

Lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Lucky we're in love every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

Ooohh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooooh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

-- Jason Mraz & Colbie Caillat, "Lucky"

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TBTTHTMT: Thursday - Spending the awesomest day with my boy. It eclipsed my favourite moment of the year (which was when he surprised me by waiting for me at the ticket barriers at the train station when I was coming home). I hope we have many more happy days together, it just feels so good :)

Game-ban: Day 8

Doing ok!

Played poker and pool at a pub instead. Beats staring at a computer screen!

love hurts.. but it still feels so good

I don't get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here

And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I know

That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

What if I'd been born fifty years before you
In a house on a street where you lived?
Maybe I'd be outside as you passed on your bike
Would I know?

And in a white sea of eyes
I see one pair that I recognise
And I know

That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you

Next door there's an old man who lived to his nineties
And one day passed away in his sleep
And his wife; she stayed for a couple of days
And passed away

I'm sorry, I know that's a strange way to tell you that I know we belong
That I know

That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

-- Ben Folds, "The Luckiest" (from the album Rockin' The Suburbs)

This is such a beautiful song. Thankyou iTunes Genius.

---

The music made me cry some more, but it's also made me stop crying. I don't really know why I felt so down all of a sudden. I guess I was just so happy to see him and spend time with him and then he got down when I didn't mean to make him feel like that. And then I felt bad that I did that. Then later on he got annoyed at me and I felt bad again because I just want to be happy around him. He's my escape from the world; he is my world. When I can't turn to him for a smile, who can I turn to?



Uh-oh. Crying again.

let's think happy thoughts

Recently my boy bought himself an iPod Touch. I'm happy that he's happy, but I get a little depressed whenever he mentions it. I think it's a combination of jealousy, and the fact that he's just spent a couple of hundred dollars on a new toy. But I have to remind myself, it was a "I'm going to spend my first paypacket on something good" gift to himself since the new job, and he totally deserves it, so I should just shut my cakehole and let him enjoy it!

Now that I've written that out, I feel much better! Blogs are so self-helpful :)

Also, I'm trying to be a better listener and be more interested in his interests. I feel like I tried to do that tonight, and gosh it's kinda tiring, when you're interested in something simply because your love is interested. But this is making me appreciate just how wonderful he is, because he's always listened to what I have to say about my own interests, even though he might not be into whatever it is I'm talking about. In fact, one of my girlfriends told me tonight that out of all her friends' boyfriends, mine is her favourite. I feel so lucky!

Doing all of this is making me feel better about myself, and a happier me means I can make other people happier too. So I'm excited. Every time I start to feel a bit down about the relationship, I'm trying my best to avoid the negative feelings. I avoid the wallowing, and I try to take a step back and put everything in perspective. I think I'm becoming more patient in this way. It's definitely difficult to change people (particularly stubborn males!) but I guess the best thing I can do is try and change myself and hope others notice and learn to reflect on themselves more. Either that, or I learn to accept people more. I'll try for both.

TBTTHTMT: I played decent golf despite the trying conditions of rain and wind. Hopefully tomorrow's round will be equally positive if not better!

Game-ban: Day 5

My boy is playing Pet Society. I am tempted, but I do not give in. Me 1, the boy/computer 0. Yes!

Game-ban: Day 4

I would love to play some Gostop or Word Challenge right now! But alas, I cannot.

Game-ban: Day 1

Day 1 and it's already a struggle. The only reason I am managing to stay away from the gaming is because of the public announcement. Not that anybody reads this blog anyway, but nevertheless. My mind keeps wandering to the games, but I restrain myself because of the promise I made to myself. And I end up twiddling my thumbs at my computer. This must be what it feels like to go cold turkey on smoking. Okay, maybe that was an extreme example but the number of times my hand feels like reaching for the games bookmarks on my browser is making me realise just how much time I've been wasting at my computer until now. Of course, I may never be fully 'cured' as such, but I'm hoping this will help me manage my time better (actually I think I'm filling the gaming space with blogging.. not helpful!). Times is tough, but I'll get through it and I hope I will feel better for it!

eclectic sounds part II

Started 8.46am today:

Peggy Lee: Bali Ha'i (sourced from the soundtrack album American Beauty, although I'm sure it was originally from another album)
Angelique Kidjo: Give It Up (from the album Oremi)
Lighthouse Family: Let It All Change (from the album Postcards From Heaven)
Kaylan: Rock Me All Night (from the album Best Ever Bonking Songs Vol. II)
Boards of Canada: Satellite Anthem Icarus (from the album The Campfire Headphase)
Tom Jones & The Barenaked Ladies: Little Green Bag (picked up as a pop hit back in the day)
Nitin Sawhney: Falling(from the album Human)
Groove Armada: Serve Chilled (randomly picked up back in the day)
Leonardo's Bride: Stay (from the album Angel Blood)
Train: Drops of Jupite (picked up as a pop hit back in the day)
Adele: Daydreamer (from the album 19)
She & Him: This Is Not A Test (from the album Volume One)
Nitin Sawhney: The Boatman (from the album Human)
Jose Gonzalez: In Our Nature (from the album In Our Nature)
Missy Elliot: This Is Our Last Time feat. Fabolous (from the album This Is Not A Test!)
Samantha Fox: Touch Me (I Want Your Body) (from the album Best Ever Bonking Songs Vol. II)
The Cardigans: Lovefool (picked up as a pop hit back in the day)

Stopped at 9.55am because I can't concentrate on my QMB!

eclectic sounds

Ask anybody who knows me well, and they'll tell you I have a broad palate when it comes to music. I have a box of CD folders beneath my table, and I have a lot of music on my computer which I haven't transferred to CD as well. Although the songs on my computer are my primary source of listening these days, it will always be an inaccurate representation of the extent of my music interest, because there are some artists which I adore but don't have as a digital copy.

Nevertheless, in an attempt to keep me from gaming and being distracted by other things, I have decided to embark on an experiment to show (mostly to myself) how eclectic my collection is when it is mashed up. So I currently have my digital music collection on shuffle as of 7.24pm tonight. I'm going to keep this blog post open while I study, so I can list the songs that have been playing. Here goes:

Barenaked Ladies: Serendipity (from the album Are Men)
Robbie Williams: Me and My Shadow (from the album Swing when You're Winning)
Jimmy Barnes: Lover Lover (from a Mushroom Records 25th Anniversary show recording)
Xavier Rudd: Introduction (from the album To Let)
Leonardo's Bride: Blue Gone Green (from the album Open Sesame)
Holly Valance: Down Boy (picked up as a pop hit back in the day)
Nitin Sawhney: Say Hello (from the album Human)
Counting Crows: Mr. Jones (from the album August and Everything After)
Leonardo's Bride: Fall (from the album Angel Blood)
Alicia Keys: Diary feat. Tony Toni Tone (from the album The Diary of Alicia Keys)
Erykah Badu: Bag Lady (from the album Mama's Gun)
Green Day: When I Come Around (from the album Dookie)
Babyface: Wonderful Tonight (from the album Playlist)
Asa: So Beautiful (from the album Asa)

Stopped at 8.18pm for QMB study (can't think maths while thinking music)

To be continued after this episode of QMB..

a self-challenge

I have decided that games are taking up too much of my time these days, namely Word Challenge, Pet Society and Gostop. Even admitting that Pet Society takes up my time is embarrassing. But that's a good thing I think, because that's extra incentive to change.

So, the challenge I'm proposing to myself is that I will not play games for 10 days, starting tonight - well then I should make that 10.5 days, because tonight is really only half a day. Instead, I will aim to read more, whether it's for leisure or for study, and play more piano, and maybe get creative as well (although that last point is unlikely).

Good luck to me! I don't know if I can do it but I'm hoping this public announcement will help.

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TBTTHTMT: Drawing in my special art book with Crayola crayons, and sharing in the fun moment with my boyfriend. Shame we had to get off the train before he could finish his part :(

more missed deadlines, and other things

I'm so inconsistent with my blog posts. It suggests that I spend more time away from the computer these days, but that is far from the truth. That said, I feel like I have been having at least one happy moment each day lately, and it's a good feeling. It almost feels wrong.. I expect something to go wrong, somebody to go off at me, etc. Well actually I still have people getting angry at me, but I feel like I'm able to brush it off better.. sometimes. At times I feel like it hits harder, because I'm getting used to the positive vibes.

But to get back to the point - some of the best things that have happened to me lately (hence the missed deadlines*) are: more 21st birthday parties, finally getting to experience the fun that is Guitar Hero III, finally watching the remaining episodes of The Gruen Transfer (need to start on Good News Week soon!) and watching Season 7 of Scrubs. Also, spending time with my friends at uni, even if it was mostly for group assignments (I still had loads of fun), and being more active in keeping in touch with people over Facebook. Admittedly, Facebook is not the ideal form of communication (unless your friends are overseas or interstate, and even then I suppose Skype is a better option, unless your timezones are really out of sync), but I guess it will have to do for now. And truth be told, there are lots of people you can chat to on Facebook, but in real life you wouldn't have much to say to each other. Which is strange. But when I consider that I don't use Facebook to talk to my closest friends, it makes sense (in an odd way).

*Thankfully I didn't miss any deadlines for uni assignments last week - got them all done, even if I wasn't impressed with my individual assignment. At least I can say that our group assignments went well (hope the markers think so too)!

---

My boyfriend bought me a piggy bank on the weekend. It's really pretty, and the design and colours combined remind me of the playing cards from Disney's Alice in Wonderland. I wish I was good at giving presents. I think it reflects badly on me because it suggests that I don't really pay attention to people and their personalities, or what they like/enjoy.

I've openly admitted in the past that I couldn't pull together a list of the things he likes, and I used to get depressed about it. But I think I can do it now..

Sports: Manchester United.. can't remember what particular football league though (English Premier League?).. I know it's only recently started..
TV: Scrubs, The Shield, Entourage, maybe Flight of the Conchords now
Music: Lots! Some of the favourites that I can remember right now are John Legend, Ministry of Sound, Alicia Keys, Deftones, Daft Punk, Katie Noonan, Robin Thicke, Anthony Hamilton.. and various songs sung by the characters from Scrubs
Books: Eric van Lustbader (emphasis on the "lust" part) and Paulo Coelho. And he's reading "The God Delusion" by Richard Dawkins (?) at the moment..
Animals: Beagles, and I think Golden Retrievers / Russian Blues.. definitely not Chihuahuas!
Games: Street Fighter, Stacker, Tekken 5/6, Guitar Hero III, Battlefield 2142 (I don't know if that's the right number haha!), Lego Star Wars and/or Indiana Jones, Poker, Gostop and I think to a lesser extent Pet Society, Word Challenge and Diablo.
Other: Discovering new recipes in the kitchen through some culinary improvisation, inserting at least five Scrubs quotes into every conversation (give or take 2 or 3), making me laugh by doing silly things that I'm too embarrassed to do (I eventually pick up on them later), playing games/being competitive with me, finding new music that I like and haven't heard of yet (sometimes this is more difficult than you may think!), creating in-jokes together.. that's all for now.

So there's the proof. I do know something about him. :)

---

Just want to keep trying, trying
Just want to keep trying for you
I want to care for you
In your darkest moment
I want to make you smile
All the time

I just want to keep trying
Trying for you..

the best thing(s) that happened yesterday

Day 2 and I've already missed the deadline. Oops.

The best thing about yesterday was bumping into mates from primary school in JB. That, and not losing my phone during the day! Dani & I were running across the oval at uni towards Maccas, and I didn't notice that my phone had fallen out of my pocket. It wasn't until we were finishing our meal and I was about to call my boy, that I realised I no longer had my phone. Luckily I'd changed the settings from silent to ringtone, and we found my phone lying on the grass, sunbaking away. Another lucky escape for me.. don't know what I would have done if I'd lost my phone!

Today is another day to look forward to. Yay!

the best thing that happened to me today

I have two websites to thank for this inspiration: theSCOOP for writing about Princess Lasertron, and Princess Lasertron for writing about a memory from her childhood.

In an effort to be more positive about life and my daily experiences, I'm going to try and write about the best thing that happened to me today, every day.

So, let's begin with the weekend that has just passed, because it was a pretty fun couple of days!

Friday: The best things about today were hanging out with Dani during the day and going to Ramtin's 21st at night. I had so much fun with Dani playing DS, browsing Domayne and then having a once-in-a-lifetime Krispy Kremes feast of 6 donuts and large milkshakes! Although we only managed to finish a donut each by the time we left the store. Ramtin's 21st was great, it was so nice being out near the beach, although the weather was terribly windy and cold and wet, which wasn't so fun. That was ok though, we were all hanging out in an underground bar and having a cosy time indoors!

Saturday: Putting some eyeshadow on my face all by myself! Makes me sound juvenile, but for somebody who has never really had much interest in makeup, this is a great achievement. I don't think it looked particularly amazing, but it didn't look horrible either, so I was happy about that! Although this was probably not THE best thing of the day. The best thing was two of my girlfriends having a joint 21st. It was so much fun! I was able to catch up with loads of high school friends I'd missed for ages, and I laughed and chatted the evening away with my man at my side.

Sunday (i.e. today): I was able to sleep in until 1pm, after getting home at 1.30am from my friends' 21st party. I feel like I don't get enough sleep these days, for whatever reason, so it was a much welcomed deviation from the norm!

The best thing about my life overall is the love I have in my life. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I'm so glad we're together. :)

vive la revolucion

Just watched The Motorcycle Diaries. What a fantastic film!

It's not just the story behind the name that makes this film a pleasure to watch. Gael Garcia Bernal and Rodrigo de la Serna compliment each other so very well as Ernesto Guevara and Alberto Granado. Their acting is such that I begin to believe they are the real 'Fuser' and 'Mial'; that the film is historically accurate, and that everything in the film actually happened.

Of course, being a film, there is an element of creative license. But being based on a book written by the Guevara, and considering the passion of the director and producers behind the film, The Motorcycle Diaries is a great fusion of fictional and documentary storytelling.

Gael Garcia Bernal's performance as Ernesto Guevara is fantastic. I had trouble sitting still during the scenes where Guevara experiences severe difficulty in breathing, because of his asthma, such was the realistic delivery of Garcia Bernal. His impassioned gaze also adds to the portrayal of Guevara, as you can see in his eyes the depth of the emotion he feels while travelling throughout South America.

Having said that, Rodrigo de la Serna cannot go unmentioned, as I thoroughly enjoyed his performance as a supporting actor to Garcia Bernal. I probably shouldn't even be calling him a supporting actor, since his character Alberto Granado is the one who takes Guevara on the now-famous motorcycle trip. His quick-thinking, bullshitting ways are well juxtaposed against Guevara's honesty, but you still love him because he's always there for Fuser when he's down or in need. A true friend, as womanizing as he may be.

The soundtrack is also well-crafted, and suits the atmosphere of the tale extremely well in my opinion. Gustavo Santaolalla is the brain behind the soundtrack, and he's done such a wonderful job. Haunting melodies and recurring themes bring an extra dimension of depth to the movie experience.

Definitely looking to buy the album, DVD, and book. The Motorcycle Diaries has become an immediate favourite.

corny, but cool?

Good ol' Lionel Richie. :)

nostalgic melodies

Thank you to http://aurgasm.us for introducing me to yamelo.com.











My only criticism is that the site caters primarily to 5 countries, and that doesn't include Oz, so finding gems can be tough.. but nevertheless..

shout of the day

I suck at uni.

----------------
Now playing: Wolfmother - Witchcraft

emotion and temperature

..things we can't see, but affect us so much.

The cold days and nights of late have me wondering how many fingers and toes I have at any one time. The coldness also serves as a painful reminder of how many sensitive teeth I have - I can feel them well enough!

Emotions, well.. I think they speak for themselves.

feeling a little flat about myself and the world

I get up in the evening
And I ain't got nothing to say
I come home in the morning
I go to bed feeling the same way
I ain't nothing but tired
I'm just tired and bored with myself
Hey there baby I could use just a little help

You can't start a fire
You can't start a fire without a spark
This gun is for hire
Even if we're just dancing in the dark

Message keeps getting clearer
Radio's on and I'm moving 'round my place
Check my look in the mirror
Wanna change my hair, my clothes, my face
I ain't getting nowhere sleeping in a dump like this
Something happening somewhere
Something happening somewhere
Something happening somewhere
Something happening somewhere

You can't start a fire
You can't start a fire without a spark
This gun is for hire
Even if we're just dancing in the dark

You can't start a fire
Sitting around crying over a broken heart
This gun is for hire
Even if we're just dancing in the dark

You can't start a fire
Worrying about your little world falling apart
This gun is for hire
Even if we're just dancing in the dark

---

If blood will flow, when flesh and steel are one
Drying in the colour of the evening sun
Tomorrow's rain will wash the stains away
But something in our minds will always stay.

Perhaps this final act was meant
To clinch a lifetime's argument
That nothing comes from violence, and nothing ever could

For all those born beneath an angry star
Lest we forget how fragile we are.

On and on, the rain will fall
Like tears from a star, like tears from a star
On and on, the rain will say
How fragile we are, how fragile we are

On and on, the rain will fall
Like tears from a star, like tears from a star
On and on, the rain will say
How fragile we are, how fragile we are


How fragile we are, how fragile we are.



Tegan & Sarah, "Dancing in the Dark"; Sting, "Fragile"