happiness is..

- listening to the BLACKstreet album "Another Level" for the first time in a long time

- a good evening of food and drink shared with good friends and new friends

- being in love.

tired musings

Writing because I can't be bothered starting my tax assignment tonight. I'll get some rest, try not to get any more sick than I am (otherwise that will make me actually sick, not almost-sick), and start it in the morning.

---
The funny thing?

The reason for which I dislike a handful of girls I know, actually exists within me too. Funny how you can hate somebody or have less respect for somebody because of what they do, even though you've been there yourself. I tolerate them because I'm no better than they are, and I know the kind of mindset they have; and one of the key reasons I can restrain myself is because I'm sick of fucking up my life. I really am.

Anyway.

I'm actually not depressed!

I had a wonderful day today actually. Really productive day at work, despite all the distractions, which were also a lot of fun.

Had a lovely lunch with my boyfriend at a restaurant/cafe called Rosebud. We had a sharing platter which was quite tasty, and I had an Egyptian tea with rose water and actual mint leaves in the glass. Easily the best thing I've tasted all year.

I'd like to live in Balmain. The whole area seems peaceful and friendly; there are lots of dogs being walked all the time; it's near the city but not bustling like the city; it's near the water; and it feels a little like a quiet semi-busy street in Melbourne but with better weather.

Bought a box of Belle Fleur chocolates for Mum as an early Mother's Day gift, and bought a couple for myself as a small treat. I felt that 2 chocolates was enough self-indulgence, so I shared the other 2 with my boyfriend.

The weather was also fantastic - radiant blue skies in the day, glowing full moon in clear skies at night.

What a wonderful day :)

TBTTHTMT: Egyptian mint tea with rose water. Incredible.

extremely excited / a quick reflection

Just then I ordered a super deluxe package of the new Dave Matthews Band album Big Whiskey & the Groogrux King (such a strange name, yet SO awesome), which means everything will arrive in a special box which includes the album itself, a 2nd CD with 4 extra tracks, a DVD, a 40-page Photo book, 14 lithographs featuring the drawings/artwork by Dave Matthews and a 24-page photo booklet.

I also recently purchased tickets to see Ladysmith Black Mambazo live at the State Theatre at the end of June. I've never seen them performing live before, so I'm looking forward to this concert. They've been around for such a long time now, i.e. over 20 years. It'll be unreal.

I'll be taking my boyfriend along, but I don't know how much he'll enjoy it. We've been to a number of concerts lately, and each performance was by artists that I really respect and adore, so he wasn't really as excited as I was. Fair enough - it's always harder to be equally excited as somebody else when it's not your thing. But as a result, I felt as though I wasn't able to fully enjoy the experience because he was either bothered by something/somebody there, or I'd look back at him and he'd have an unimpressed look on his face. But I can't blame him for his expression - I'm probably the same when I'm listening to music. Unless you're in an extended state of sheer excitement and happiness, it's hard to look happy while you're concentrating on something else, such as watching the performers.

Take for instance the Ben Harper concert we recently went to. I know I wasn't smiling for a lot of the show, and I kept looking at certain people around me, to see what their reactions were. Looking back, I feel like I wasted the experience a bit because I kept looking at other people. And then my brain would wake up and tell me "Ben Harper's right in front of you". with that thought, the excitement would begin to seep through my mind again, and a smile would spread itself across my face.

I can't believe I saw Ben Harper live.

Oh man.

:)

But back to my original reason for posting. The two recent musical purchases have each cost me over $100. And I don't like to spend a lot of money these days, so I don't know what compelled me to make those purchases. I can say with confidence though, when it comes to these kinds of things I am usually faced with two extreme opinions: Completely forget about the item altogether and be perfectly okay with not having bought it, or be fully committed to the item and buy it with little to no regard of the cost. When I'm fully committed, I am 100% sure about the purchase and I really enjoy the experience that the item provides, through and through.

I like the fact that I can do that - I cherish every [relatively expensive] item I purchase with a sense of love and gratefulness. I don't ever want to become a person who gets used to being able to buy expensive things, and fills their life with such goods. I doubt I'll ever have the capacity to do that anyway, but living life with lots of thankful thoughts makes everything feel much better and more positive.

I'm currently listening to the new Ben Harper album White Lies for Dark Times online. The whole album is being streamed on Myspace before its release in early May, and it is definitely a great set of tracks. One of the songs sounds A LOT like the Paul Winn Band which I think is kind of cool! I should probably do an album review later..

---

So far, I think my life can be summed up like this:

1988-1992: The Hazy Years or The Photographic Years (because I hardly remember anything from this period, and my memory is stimulated by the plethora of photo albums)

1993-1999: The Primary School Years

2000-2005: The High School Years

2006: the Year of Work & Uni

2007: the Year of Much Doubt

2008: the Year of Life-Changing Relationship Mistakes

And so far, 2009 has been the Year of New Friends and Musical Experiences.

---

Life's crazy. It's too short, but there's so much time that gets wasted too.

But you know what the best thing about life is?

Music.

the honest truth

I cannot tell you what the future will be like.

I do not know what will happen.

But I'm taking each day as it comes.

And that's the best I can do.

a brief catch-up.

Referring to my previous post, I remember the incident but I have no recollection of the dream I had. Must have been a good one.

Some things that have happened since I last wrote:

- I vowed to cease all attempts at communication with a person who once used to be my closest confidant. I'm so detached now that it doesn't bother me at all, and I prefer not to think about it. Previously this would not have been in my character - I hate losing contact with people and I don't like to hate people either. But life changes, and so do you, and decisions must be made. So I'm not going to bother with trying to contact him ever again. The day for change will be if he ever tries to get in touch with me first. I doubt he'll ever bother.

- On the bright side, I made a new friend recently who I really enjoy talking to. We seem to have a lot in common, but we also have different interests which keeps the conversations filled with variety. I think the best thing is that he writes as much as I do.. I don't know anybody else that can do that on a regular basis!

- I've started talking to an old friend more often than I have in the last couple of years. Ironically while he's overseas! But it's good. Things can only get better from here.

- I turned 21. I still don't think of myself as being 21 - I don't attribute myself with any particular age. I just am. Yes it all sounds very philosophical and what-not, but I feel like I'm constantly doing something, and I haven't had the time (or maybe I just haven't given myself the time) to think about being 21 and what that means. Apparently I'm now well and truly an adult - that's scary.

- I feel secure and happy in my relationship. I've never felt so content and at ease about this before. But these days I feel love, and yet I feel so helpless at the same time. My boyfriend seems to be going through a rough patch.. and it feels like it's lasted for months. It bothers me that I can't seem to cheer him up enough for him to try and take a more positive approach to it all. Strangely it reminds me of the person I think I used to be, and the reason I've changed now is because I don't give myself time to dwell on the bad stuff. Either that or I contemplate it so much that I desensitize myself and am able handle the problem better.

- I've started reading on a regular basis again. I can't express how this makes me feel, but it's a lovely feeling to lose yourself in a book that you really enjoy.


Emotions are confusing sometimes, and love can be trying. But when you're loyal, you're loyal. You block out everything else, for better or for worse, and you're in it for the long haul. Perhaps an unromantic way of saying "I love you", but there, I said it.

Hobart: Day 3 - Evening

So much to write about, but want to keep it short because I'm watching the Gumboots DVD and really enjoying it, and I also want to get some more sleep tonight.

Breakfast at 6.30am as usual. Handed in my clothes and underwear for laundry/dry cleaning at reception.

Walking around the hotel room I notice a bit of pain in my left ankle, as though I've sprained it. The pain stays with me for the rest of the day and into the evening.. it comes and goes but seems to be particularly prominent when I'm barefoot in my hotel.

Lots of laughter with the client and the team throughout the day which is great. The weather is beautiful which helps keep my spirits lifted. Also started to finish off my work which was pleasing.

Knocked off work early to visit Mt. Wellington.. and the bitter coldness was worth the amazing view. Even the drive itself is a lot of fun. Photos turned out really well which is also pleasing. Definitely want to visit again on my holiday weekend here next week. Preferably with suitable footwear though - we drove up to the mountain straight from work, so I was pottering around in my heels and got stuck way too many times between the wooden planks that made up the walkways to each of the lookouts.

Noticed bodyguards hanging around whilst we were sightseeing. Turns out they were looking after an extended family of 9. We wondered who the family was but left it at that.

Dinner at the Drunken Admiral (made a booking during the day just to make sure). The pasta at the self-serve salad bar was the best! The oysters were the highlight. I was totally put off my main meal because I ate an anchovy without knowing what it was! It was all I could do to avoid spitting it out into a serviette.

Coincidentally, the family and bodyguards arrived at the restaurant shortly after us. Based on my observations of the bodyguards at their own dinner table, it appeared that they also remembered us from the mountaintop. Tried to forget about all the action movies I'd seen, and suppressed thoughts of being taken out by the bodyguards. This party's presence added an extra dimension of excitement to tonight's dinner.

Tried to go for dessert at Mures, but they were shut by the time we headed over, so we retired to our hotel apartments. My clothes returned all nice and clean.. but I think they've just ruined one of my bras, which is really annoying because I only just bought it last week (and it wasn't cheap either!).

My bags are mostly packed, just need to finish off after tomorrow morning. Read a passage from my Spanish learning book tonight, and I had a better flow with my reading which was a nice surprise. Looking forward to reading more this weekend.. hope to read with/teach Lan as well.

Haven't done any drawing yet but I'll get to it at some stage. Read my Time magazine at breakfast this morning, will repeat tomorrow morning. Haven't written in my handwritten journal yet. No TED.com videos yet, I think I need to install iTunes first because that's the only program that will read them from my knowledge.

Had a ridiculously awesome conversation with Largie towards the end of the mountain visit, during the drive back down the mountain, on the way to dinner, and throughout dinner. Politics, racism, world issues and the incredible difficulty of solving them, events in history, Australian political history, the history of humans, medicine and science.. lots of world history/politics. And a bit of Takeshi's Castle and British comedy. Really rewarding and intellectually stimulating conversation that filled me up better than the dinner tonight. Don't get me wrong, I was stuffed from dinner, but the conversation was so refreshing. It's good having such knowledgeable friends, I learn so much from them.

Got in touch with Fitzy today as I'm going to be flying to Melbourne tomorrow afternoon. Did a bit of research online and discovered that the St Kilda markets are on tomorrow night, and they're only on Thursdays. But I don't know what the distance is from the airport and/or his place, so I don't know if it's a viable option. In any case I'll be happy to see an old friend again, and I'll be that little bit closer to seeing my boyfriend again. Feels like it's been a long time since I saw him, even though it was only on Sunday. Really looking forward to this weekend, I hope everything goes well.

patience is a virtue.. albeit a difficult one

Every time I feel like asking for something from him because I feel like I'm the one who's been trying hard, I stop myself. All the things I've done lately are because I love and care, and not because I want something in return. So I'm just going to keep my mouth shut and be happy in the knowledge that I'm doing good things.

And I wish my heart would stop big-beating and just be normal-beating.. it's bothersome and it scares me sometimes. According to Lan it's a sinus rhythm and it happens when pressure builds up in the heart so it tries to solve the problem by making an 'escape beat', ie. a big beat to try and release the pressure. I just think my heart aches in a romantic fashion.. and obviously he has to do something about that! :P

boredom posts

Two exams down, two to go. I'm almost there. Today's effort wasn't the best - in some ways it was better than expected, in other ways it wasn't what I'd hoped. But that's just how it is with exams.. a bit of knowledge, and a bit of luck.. combine the two and I'm hoping for a pass!

Agreed to study for the next exam with a friend, so just waiting for her to finish the exam and making the most of my idle time by blogging. Perhaps not the most appropriate use of spare time during exams, but even this is more productive than how I've spent my other days..

Pretty excited that Barack Obama is going to be the 44th President of the United States. I hope that the US and the rest of the world becomes a better place with his assistance. I don't actually know much about his policies but I think over the coming years I'll follow the news more because  I'm interested in seeing what he does.

---

Been exhausted all day. I'm unreceptive; his jokes aren't as funny, his stories not as interesting. So tired and flushed with heat, I don't have the energy to look happy. He takes it personally - he becomes unsettled because he can't seem to make me happy. Truth is he doesn't have to try. Just seeing him and walking beside him, I feel content, relieved, at ease. I try and be perkier; now he's tired and unresponsive. An odd yin and yang.

love does not keep a record of wrongs

Trying to surprise somebody and make them happy is extremely difficult with a smile on your face when all they seem to do is upset you at every turn before you present them with your surprise. I wanted so dearly to make him happy, and I think I managed it in the end, but even now the tears well to my eyes because there were so many moments leading up to the surprise where I felt like I was trying to fight a current of upsetting feelings, because he was abrupt at times and/or grumpy at times from lack of sleep/hot weather/traffic/etc.. Again, maybe I need to just relax some more and not take everything so personally. But sometimes I wish he was more aware of what he's doing and/or how's he communicating.

The fact that I've written all of the above is a bit ironic, given the title of this post. But I needed to get it off my chest somehow. My morning didn't start well - I slipped over while stepping out of the shower (and now there's a nice bruise on my leg, no serious injuries thankfully), and I had a bad start to my driving test (and felt like I made a ridiculous number of mistakes) which apparently didn't affect my score that much - I passed and received my red P's which was a huge relief as I was very certain I'd failed. So emotions were riding high, I couldn't get through to him because of bad phone reception, and when I did I felt bad because he was so tired he couldn't even talk. In another phone conversation later that afternoon I asked a small favour and he got pretty exasperated over the phone, which was the kicker. I felt pretty crap after that, but forgot about it in the hope that things would be better when we met up.

Little things bother me, but only because there seems to be lots of little things all at once, which accumulate and push me to tears. I still believe I only cry out of frustration.. or empathy for somebody else (usually a Disney character of some sort), and even then that's only because they attach emotional music to the important scene!

Anyways - the summary? Lots of things bothered me today, but I don't care, because I genuinely surprised him and made him happy, and that in itself makes me feel peaceful. Love does not keep a record of wrongs, and I intend to make it that way.

if love is akin to mental illness..

..then I am a complete maniac.

I want to be able to tell him every day that I love him, without destroying the impact behind those three words that are so difficult to utter together. I don't want to waste a single moment; he's who I live for and who I would die for. And the worst part is, I don't know if he'll ever understand the depth of emotion I feel. Maybe I'm wrong; maybe what I'm searching for is a woman's compassion and understanding, and trying to receive that from a man would be a near impossible task it seems. All I want is to find a way to show him what I feel, so that he thinks to himself "Wow, she really loves me." I want to live my life with the knowledge that he understands why I do the things I do. It's because I'm so in love.

a nice way to end the weekend

Briefly went to see Sculptures by the Sea (SxS) this evening, just before sundown. Didn't see much but I don't think there was much to see, to be honest. I still maintain that the best year was 2005, the year that I first visited SxS. Ever since then, the exhibition has diminished a little in impressiveness each year.

I convinced my boy to come with me and I was so glad we made it to Bondi. It wasn't so much the sculptures, but the walk itself that made me happy. He was exhausted and therefore not very talkative, but I was so happy just to be out there walking with him.. I think the only reason I was able to contain the level of happiness I was experiencing was that my shoes would have gone flying if I'd tried to jump around and/or run around, and that he would have been even more exhausted if not completely unresponsive to any crazy antics of mine.

I don't really know why it sometimes feels as though life is the biggest struggle when he's not beside me. But what I do know is that he does a hell of a lot for me, and I need to make sure he knows I appreciate every single moment.

Quote - Nikki Giovanni

"It is wrong to think that love comes from long companionship and persevering courtship. Love is the offspring of spiritual affinity and unless that affinity is created in a moment, it will not be created for years or even generations."

It's an interesting thought. And maybe there's some truth to it.

I have a habit of making a decision on whether or not I like somebody based on the 'vibe' they emanate during the first (or first few) meetings. Sometimes I'm wrong, but manytimes I'm right. Thinking about the relationship I'm in, and how I picked him all those years ago, in an almost prophetic motion.. it makes you wonder..

from ribs to raps

Last night I went out to Ribs & Rumps for dinner with Lan, one of his best friends and her boyfriend, and some of my school friends and their friends/relations. The food was great - unexpectedly so - I ordered lamb ribs and they were very tasty! I thought Lan had ordered a mixed grill, but a breakdown in communications meant that he thought I'd ordered for him, while I thought he'd ordered for himself.. and so there were only 7 meals for a table of 8. I initially felt guilty but that was shadowed by overwhelming embarrassment.. but all's well that ends well, because Ming was able to share his mixed grill and thankfully nobody went hungry. There was definitely a lot of food on the table, so I'm sure everybody left feeling satisfied to say the least!

I wasn't feeling well, so I chose to take a raincheck on the ice cream trip and went home instead. I had a great conversation in the car about the culture and history behind hip-hop and rap music - for instance, did you know that Puff Daddy (a.k.a. P. Diddy) created the modern-day remix? I had no idea! Respect! - it was so enlightening, and made me re-appreciate the music style(s). I learnt about beats and where they come from (in terms of US location), and a bit about the timeline of rap and key artists of the genre, and who represents the East or West-side of the game. Etc.

It was such a great conversation! I love nothing more than a deep, refreshing conversation about music. That really topped off my evening. :)

normality. it's great!

Lately - meaning, the past week or so - I've been having a great time in my relationship. But what makes it especially blogworthy for me is that I feel like I've been more relaxed about it all. Less worrying, less sulking, less unrealistic expectations, less jealousy.. it is such a refreshing feeling! It's like all of a sudden I've grown up just that little bit more, and I'm getting more out of the relationship because of it (meaning that feeling even better about it than I was before).

For the last month or more, I've been making a real effort to make sure I'm a better listener, making mental notes in my head about what he likes, what he's just updated me on.. and again I feel much better for it, and gone are the days where I ask myself "What am I going to get him?" for whatever special event it is that is usually commemorated with a gift. Instead, I feel like I've got too many choices - or rather, items keep springing out at me when I'm browsing stores, and I have to remind myself that if I buy all these items at once, I won't actually end up saving them for an occasion, I'll end up giving them to him on a random evening and then I'll be at a loss for gift ideas.

It's nice to have life smiling down on me like this. It doesn't happen often enough sometimes.

music, the other love of my life

I was about to write that music was the love of my life, but I feel like the boy takes first place nowadays. That said, I'm no less obsessed about music than I was before (which says something about how obsessed I am about my man!), and today I've been rediscovering jazz vocals. Mostly Ella Fitzgerald and Peggy Lee. I absolutely adore the old-school recordings, the slightly fuzzy sound quality and the bouncy walk-along style beat that reminds me of black-and-white musicals and film recordings you see in documentaries about the jazz era. I love how lots of different singers and instrumentalists have covered the same jazz standards - it's even more fascinating when modern-day artists do it in a very different style (e.g. Jamie Cullum).

Currently listening to Perry Como - oh my what a voice! Reminds me a bit of Frank Sinatra but I like this more because to me, Perry Como isn't as well-known/commercial as ol' Blue Eyes.

Maybe this kind of music is a bit of an acquired taste for people my age.. I think most of my friends would be totally disinterested or think of this music as cheesy if they heard it. I don't think the boy would be particularly excited by it either. But this kind of music makes me so happy-go-lucky and content sometimes, I wish I had somebody to share it with.

Actually now that I think of it, this music isn't quite jazz, but it isn't quite Broadway/musical either.. it's the kind of music that features in the opening credits for movies like Bambi (Disney). Bambi was created in the 40s (1942 to be exact, according to Wikipedia), so I will conclude that I am currently listening to USA-in-the-1940s-style music, and I am totally in love with Perry Como's voice right now.

A digression: Also getting back into my love of R&B, and looking forward to listening to the likes of Maxwell, Chris Brown and Ne-Yo. When I have the craving for R&B tunes, I feel that extra bit closer to my boy, and it makes me happy from the inside out.

love jazz. love R&B. love music.

but most of all,

love you.

happy in love

Love.

I can't function with it, and I can't survive without it.

---

I dont need me a basketball player
All I need is somebody that's down for me
And he don't have to have money
His love is just like honey
It's so sweet to me
He can have everything in this world
But he'll sacrifice it all for me
And I made up my mind
I'm in love this time
And it feels so real

And I
Know that he won't break my heart
And I
Know that we won't ever part
It's time, time for us to settle down
And I
Wanna be with him forever

They can say that I am crazy
For makin' him my baby
But that's how it's gon' be
See I done been through many changes
But this one I ain't changing
It's gon' stay the same

I can have everything in this world
But I'll sacrifice it all for him
And I made up my mind
I'm in love this time
And it feels so real

I love you
And all of the things that you do
Oh baby please
I need you (I need you)
So believe me (I do)
I do (ooh)
Cause I love you (I love you)
And every lil thing baby (you do)
They don't know how I feel
Cause I know this is real

-- Ciara, "And I"

---

Let's go back in time
When seeing your ID on mine
Made me crazy
Ooh baby I'm saying

Let's go back there
Let's take it there

I'm talking 'bout
Back in time
When you wanted to know my every move
Tried to keep it smooth
Keepin' up with me
You drove me crazy, ohh baby

Let's go back there
Let's take it there

When you
Didn't know me
Didn't need me
I wanted to touch me
Couldn't leave me
I couldn't know how
Far this would go
I couldn't know if
This was for sure
We just could not
We just could not get enough of it baby, let's go

Have that wreckless love
That crazy love
That off-the-wall, won't-stop-'til-I-get-enough kind of love
I need that love
So baby, let's go

Have that wreckless love
That crazy love
That I-don't-really-care-we-can-have-it-anywhere kind of love
That wreckless love

Let's go back in time
When our kiss was brand new
An adventure not perfected
A little hesitant

Let's go back there
Let's take it there

Take it back in time
When forever was a minute, and eternity was a second
I'm stressing that we have to go back there
Let's take it there..

When you
Didn't know me
Didn't need me
Wanted to touch me
Couldn't leave me
I couldn't know how
Far this would go
I couldn't know if
This was for sure
We just could not
We just could not get enough of it baby, let's go

Have that wreckless love
That crazy love
That off-the-wall, won't-stop-'til-I-get-enough kind of love
I need that love
So baby, let's go

Have that wreckless love
That crazy love
That I-don't-really-care-we-can-have-it-anywhere kind of love
That wreckless love

Ooh baby, let's go

Have that wreckless love
That crazy love
That off-the-wall, won't-stop-'til-I-get-enough kind of love
I need that love
So baby, let's go

Have that wreckless love
That crazy love
That I-don't-really-care-we-can-have-it-anywhere kind of love
That wreckless love

-- Alicia Keys, "Wreckless Love"

---

Let's go back there..
Let's take it there..

fun in the sun

Okay so this morning I played a bit of Gostop before I met up with my boy. I only played for 30 or 40 mins..

Lan and I drove out to Manly for a big breakfast/brunch, which turned out to be not as big as we'd hoped, but still very yummy. We also went shopping - he bought a new pair of groovy shoes, and I bought a skirt, a top and a party dress to replace my old one (finally!). When I say 'old', I'm talking around 4 years, so I think my purchase was justified . I don't buy clothes often, mostly because I can't afford to, but also mostly because there's nothing out there that particularly attracts me these days. I'm probably just looking in the wrong places.. but I'm not a hardcore shopper so I usually don't go out of my way to find awesome shops.

After brunch/shopping, to Freshie for some sun and surf with mates. The sun was harsh, but the surf was icy cold - I couldn't feel my feet after a few minutes of being in the water! Nevertheless we all had a bit of fun with a mini NFL ball until the unanimous decision was that it was too cold to stay in the water. Abort, return to towels, dry out and heat up, and then back into the water. Repeat numerous times. It was totally worth it :)

Today's beach trip was the first in a long while - the previous summer at least. And with memories of the last trip lingering in my mind I found that I was automatically afraid of the oncoming waves, no matter how small. I felt as though I didn't know what to do against them, and where I would usually dive down into the water and stay near the sand to let the waves ride over me, I felt a fear that stopped me from diving into the water at all. I didn't want to stray out too far, just incase a big wave started to break near the shore. There were only one or two medium-ish waves that I was hit by today, but even then I wanted to be clinging onto Lan's arm for safety and protection. I'm surprised that I've been so affected by the incident from last summer, but I hope that in the upcoming months I will be able to face my fear and be rid of it. Strangely enough, it wasn't until my boy and I were leaving the beach that I realised this was the beach where I'd been severely wave-dumped. So maybe it was a subconscious fear of the same mistake being made at the same beach. Maybe I'll be okay at all other beaches. I hope so.

TBTTHTMT: Big breakfast with my boy. Finally buying clothes. Soaking up plenty of sun and enjoying the sunscreen (I used to hate the stuff but now I quite like it). Spending time with old friends.. I definitely don't get to see them enough!

Lucky

Do you hear me,
Talking to you
Across the water across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky, oh my, baby I'm trying

Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard

Lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Ooohh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

They don't know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I'll wait for you I promise you, I will

Lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Lucky we're in love every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

And so I'm sailing through the sea
To an island where we'll meet
You'll hear the music fill the air
I'll put a flower in your hair

Though the breezes through the trees
Move so pretty you're all I see
As the world keeps spinning round
You hold me right here right now

Lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Lucky we're in love every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

Ooohh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooooh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

-- Jason Mraz & Colbie Caillat, "Lucky"

---

TBTTHTMT: Thursday - Spending the awesomest day with my boy. It eclipsed my favourite moment of the year (which was when he surprised me by waiting for me at the ticket barriers at the train station when I was coming home). I hope we have many more happy days together, it just feels so good :)

love hurts.. but it still feels so good

I don't get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here

And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I know

That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

What if I'd been born fifty years before you
In a house on a street where you lived?
Maybe I'd be outside as you passed on your bike
Would I know?

And in a white sea of eyes
I see one pair that I recognise
And I know

That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you

Next door there's an old man who lived to his nineties
And one day passed away in his sleep
And his wife; she stayed for a couple of days
And passed away

I'm sorry, I know that's a strange way to tell you that I know we belong
That I know

That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

-- Ben Folds, "The Luckiest" (from the album Rockin' The Suburbs)

This is such a beautiful song. Thankyou iTunes Genius.

---

The music made me cry some more, but it's also made me stop crying. I don't really know why I felt so down all of a sudden. I guess I was just so happy to see him and spend time with him and then he got down when I didn't mean to make him feel like that. And then I felt bad that I did that. Then later on he got annoyed at me and I felt bad again because I just want to be happy around him. He's my escape from the world; he is my world. When I can't turn to him for a smile, who can I turn to?



Uh-oh. Crying again.

let's think happy thoughts

Recently my boy bought himself an iPod Touch. I'm happy that he's happy, but I get a little depressed whenever he mentions it. I think it's a combination of jealousy, and the fact that he's just spent a couple of hundred dollars on a new toy. But I have to remind myself, it was a "I'm going to spend my first paypacket on something good" gift to himself since the new job, and he totally deserves it, so I should just shut my cakehole and let him enjoy it!

Now that I've written that out, I feel much better! Blogs are so self-helpful :)

Also, I'm trying to be a better listener and be more interested in his interests. I feel like I tried to do that tonight, and gosh it's kinda tiring, when you're interested in something simply because your love is interested. But this is making me appreciate just how wonderful he is, because he's always listened to what I have to say about my own interests, even though he might not be into whatever it is I'm talking about. In fact, one of my girlfriends told me tonight that out of all her friends' boyfriends, mine is her favourite. I feel so lucky!

Doing all of this is making me feel better about myself, and a happier me means I can make other people happier too. So I'm excited. Every time I start to feel a bit down about the relationship, I'm trying my best to avoid the negative feelings. I avoid the wallowing, and I try to take a step back and put everything in perspective. I think I'm becoming more patient in this way. It's definitely difficult to change people (particularly stubborn males!) but I guess the best thing I can do is try and change myself and hope others notice and learn to reflect on themselves more. Either that, or I learn to accept people more. I'll try for both.

TBTTHTMT: I played decent golf despite the trying conditions of rain and wind. Hopefully tomorrow's round will be equally positive if not better!