learning to believe in myself

In the later stages of high school, I had a lot of emotional experiences at home that caused me a lot of tears, frustration, stress, and general self-criticism. However it also inspired me to indulge in a lot (and I mean A LOT) of reflection. Reflection on myself, and reflection on life and others around me. I confided in a teacher, who became my closest friend (ironically, at a distance, for fear of inciting student-teacher relationship rumours). Sometimes the conversations were just about music, because I didn't really want to talk about my problems. Other times, the problems were plaguing me and I would be a waterfall of words and tears of frustration. But that's not the point.

Occasionally - not too often, because it would dull the impact, but just enough so it was a special thought - I was told that I was a strong person inside with a lot of courage. Me being me (I am usually self-deprecating if not overly modest at times), I didn't really believe it and only took it as a nice compliment.

But looking back over the years, and the kinds of decisions I've made (whether they have been good or bad, who knows), the difficulties I've endured, and the experiences I've been a part of.. it's made me realise that yes, you should be humble, but at the same time you should not discount who you are.

Ever since being hailed as a "show-off" in primary school by some of my girl friends back then, I've been ashamed (to an extent) of displaying my abilities in public. Yes, I enjoy performing and being on stage whether it's solo or in a group - because I like entertaining people, not because I want to "show-off". Consequently, many times I performed with the depressing thought that people would be bitching behind my back.

"Look at her, she thinks she's so good."

I think this bothered me the most maybe in Year 11 or 12. Ironically, I think that was probably the time when it would have been least likely to happen.

Anyways this post is getting long winded!

All I wanted to say is that I believe I am a strong person. I am certain that I have faults, like any human being will, but I have a lot of strengths too, and I should never feel the need to discount myself for anybody else. It's not easy, and I'm sure there are many people out there who will never find the courage nor the willpower to achieve this. But for whoever may read this post, I hope it is of some encouragement for self-reflection, a removal of negative self-criticism and an installment of positive self-belief.

I accept and understand my weaknesses, and in doing so I embrace my strengths.