springtime

Looking back and contemplating the ebb and flow of my emotions, it seems that the start of spring (September) has become a time of reflection and nostalgia. Certain songs and musicians evoke memories of yesteryear, moments locked in time, out of reach but still alive in memory.

For example - last week I was listening to "Boa Sorte (Good Luck)" by Vanessa da Mata and Ben Harper, and it threw me back in time, to the days and weeks prior to my current relationship. The sense of wonder and excitement, fear and the "what-if" factor... emotions that last only as long as the courtship. But I think they're important emotions. They help me remember how I felt when I first started to fall in love. They remind me how I got here, and the memories make me smile.

Currently I'm listening to Dave Matthews and was briefly lost in a moment of nostalgia about my friendship with Scott, because he's the one who introduced me to the music. And let's face it, sometimes I am completely besotted with the musical persona of Dave Matthews, illustrated through his music and lyrics. So this music wields a lot of emotional clout, and I have Scott to thank for it.

Rise and fall, roads divided, connections discovered, uncovered, and lost.

full

Fri 23 July

5-course meal and dessert by Chef Byron

Tonight I had a small "post-French students reunion" dinner with Melody and Byron (and J) at Byron's place in Kensington. It was also a farewell dinner for B as he was only two weeks away from a 2-year stint in Paris studying at Le Cordon Bleu, the famous culinary school.

It was fascinating to see B cooking - the kitchen was filled with pots and pans and dishes and bowls, but it was all under control (with all of us helping out on the easy bits) and the results said it all.

Dinner was delicious! We started with dumplings in soup, followed by raw beef salad ("yook-hwe" in Korean), then roast duck and finally beef steaks in a creamy mushroom and onion sauce with rice, with oysters throughout the meal. Dessert was a very professional looking and yummy tiramisu style cake, also made by Byron. To top it off, Mel had bought some tasty pastries from a shop in Surry Hills which we also enjoyed.

The conversation was good fun, and we were entertained with plenty of Korean pop songs and music videos throughout the evening. I was so happy to be seeing my French-class uni friends again - when I think about it, it's probably been close to 12 months since I'd seen them last, if not longer.

Sat 24 July

Lebanese banquet at Al Aseel

J and I had a pleasantly long walk to Al Aseel in Surry Hills for a dinner with Dave and Rebecca. It was my first time meeting them, and as far as my memory goes it was also the first time I'd been to a Lebanese restaurant. Funnily enough we also bumped into Byron on the way, who was running late to a karaoke date with friends. We were running late too, so we said a quick hello and parted ways.

The food was great - we had all kinds of dips, meats, felafels and salads. I don't remember any of the names, but the tabouleh and fattoush salads were quite tasty. There was so much on the table that even with a combined effort we weren't able to finish all the dishes. We definitely gave it a good try though - I knew there was a reason I didn't want to wear a belt tonight!

It was a night of good food and good company, just like Friday night, but different. There was even a belly dancer performing throughout the restaurant!

After dinner I also had a chance to meet Dani at the Sanctuary Hotel... well almost. There was a huge queue outside and of course there was no way I'd be getting into the venue. Sadly they wouldn't let out Dani either, so we had a phone conversation whilst waving and laughing at each other through the glass wall. Shortly after we'd started chatting on the phone, a bouncer rudely told us to line up or keep moving, so I waved goodbye to Dani while still being on the phone. That was a strange feeling, but despite the distance it was great to see her again.

Sun 25 July

Glorious dumplings and desserts at Din Tai Fung

Friday was a dinner with my friends, Saturday was a dinner with his friends, and tonight was a dinner with unknown friends. By this, I mean that we were seated at a round table with various other customers because the restaurant was so busy.

The walk in the rain was worth it. J and I had dumplings, a spicy wonton noodle soup and tasty hot desserts to finish off what had strangely become a very food-focused weekend. (To backtrack a little, we'd also had lunch at Baia earlier today where we sat outside and did a bit of seagull-, toddler- and people-spotting.)

The golden taro bread was as good as I remembered it. I feel lucky to have been to Din Tai Fung twice in the space of a couple of months. Maybe it's because of the constantly long queues, or maybe it's the efficient service of the bustling waiters and waitresses, but it feels like a special treat to be at the restaurant.

a bit of backtracking

Tues 18 May

Had a great chat with Mat over coffee. Ooh that rhymes. It's nice to find somebody who you can talk to and you know the other person understands you, even though you never really hang out together or do anything together besides catch up over coffee. I have unusual friendships like that, but they feel like the most rewarding ones because you end up talking about some interesting subjects!

What a lovely dinner! Perfect company of course, and even better conversation. Serious topics, light topics, love and laughter. Went out to Baia San Marco with Joao for some yummy Italian food. Followed it up with a rich chocolate mud cake and ice cream... indulgence. Mmm.

It was such a good evening - after the ridiculous mood swings of last week, today I finally felt like I was back to normal again. I think I need to consciously maintain a healthy combination of spending time with friends and boyfriend respectively, and that's what keeps me as my happy self.

Wed 19 May

Had lunch with Eszter and Endre. Always have a good laugh and a chat with them - discovered Endre got engaged! Exciting stuff! It's all happening this year. I really enjoy hanging out with the two of them, the conversation is always fun and even though it's been so long since we last saw each other, there's no awkwardness. I function much better in small groups - even in a larger group I'm easier with one-on-one conversations.

Dinner at Takeru and dessert at the Chocolate Room with Joao, Mig, Dani, Kat, Diana, and cameo appearances by Colin, Calista and Ian Wang. As usual the conversation was nothing short of hilarious, and although half the group hadn't met each other before, the combination worked surprisingly well. It was such a fun evening, I was really glad that everybody was able to make it at such short notice.

Mon 19 July

Tonight's salsa class was great fun. Having not seen the class for two weeks made me realise how much I enjoy everybody's company. It's an hour of social refreshment for me. I feel familiar enough with the group to be able to crack jokes or make light conversation, and at the same time I know little enough that I still have plenty of questions I could ask everybody to get to know them better.

I feel like I don't often end up dancing with our instructor Oren, but it's always a good chance for me to refine my developing technique. Instead of having to reiterate the moves we're learning, he gives advice that according to him is 'just nitpicking'. It's a nice feeling to know that I'm progressing well. Having said that, I'm starting to feel sufficiently challenged by the moves we've been learning recently, so I know I've definitely got a lot of practising to do!

words from a friend (circa 2005)

"The world is your adventure.

A million paths lie at your feet, just waiting for that first step. Hit the ground running Joan, not stumbling. Chase your dreams every second of your life, and never regret anything you do, no matter how bad.

Your dreams are your guide and your heart is your compass. It often hurts but it never lies."

a poem for a friend.

Brother, friend,
What’s it like there?
Maybe you can touch the horizons
And soar through the stars.

Brother, friend,
What’s it like there?
Maybe you can breathe water
And discover Atlantis for me.

Brother,
Friend.
Don’t miss us while you’re there
For in time we’ll come to visit
Perhaps together,
perhaps alone.

Brother,
Friend.
Save me a seat in your home
So when I come to join you
We can share memories of warmth and laughter,
Of friends found and sights seen,
Of lives lived and loves lost.

Friend,
Don’t miss us while you’re gone
Rest assured
That distance will not break this friendship’s bond.

Friend,
You left too soon for me.
Too soon you became a casualty
in this ongoing battle of life.

Mornings will come and go,
But I will keep you in my mind and soul.

Brother, friend,
do not forget me.

Sleep peacefully.

---
Volkan, we will all miss you so very much. Peace be with you.

Hobart: Day 3 - Evening

So much to write about, but want to keep it short because I'm watching the Gumboots DVD and really enjoying it, and I also want to get some more sleep tonight.

Breakfast at 6.30am as usual. Handed in my clothes and underwear for laundry/dry cleaning at reception.

Walking around the hotel room I notice a bit of pain in my left ankle, as though I've sprained it. The pain stays with me for the rest of the day and into the evening.. it comes and goes but seems to be particularly prominent when I'm barefoot in my hotel.

Lots of laughter with the client and the team throughout the day which is great. The weather is beautiful which helps keep my spirits lifted. Also started to finish off my work which was pleasing.

Knocked off work early to visit Mt. Wellington.. and the bitter coldness was worth the amazing view. Even the drive itself is a lot of fun. Photos turned out really well which is also pleasing. Definitely want to visit again on my holiday weekend here next week. Preferably with suitable footwear though - we drove up to the mountain straight from work, so I was pottering around in my heels and got stuck way too many times between the wooden planks that made up the walkways to each of the lookouts.

Noticed bodyguards hanging around whilst we were sightseeing. Turns out they were looking after an extended family of 9. We wondered who the family was but left it at that.

Dinner at the Drunken Admiral (made a booking during the day just to make sure). The pasta at the self-serve salad bar was the best! The oysters were the highlight. I was totally put off my main meal because I ate an anchovy without knowing what it was! It was all I could do to avoid spitting it out into a serviette.

Coincidentally, the family and bodyguards arrived at the restaurant shortly after us. Based on my observations of the bodyguards at their own dinner table, it appeared that they also remembered us from the mountaintop. Tried to forget about all the action movies I'd seen, and suppressed thoughts of being taken out by the bodyguards. This party's presence added an extra dimension of excitement to tonight's dinner.

Tried to go for dessert at Mures, but they were shut by the time we headed over, so we retired to our hotel apartments. My clothes returned all nice and clean.. but I think they've just ruined one of my bras, which is really annoying because I only just bought it last week (and it wasn't cheap either!).

My bags are mostly packed, just need to finish off after tomorrow morning. Read a passage from my Spanish learning book tonight, and I had a better flow with my reading which was a nice surprise. Looking forward to reading more this weekend.. hope to read with/teach Lan as well.

Haven't done any drawing yet but I'll get to it at some stage. Read my Time magazine at breakfast this morning, will repeat tomorrow morning. Haven't written in my handwritten journal yet. No TED.com videos yet, I think I need to install iTunes first because that's the only program that will read them from my knowledge.

Had a ridiculously awesome conversation with Largie towards the end of the mountain visit, during the drive back down the mountain, on the way to dinner, and throughout dinner. Politics, racism, world issues and the incredible difficulty of solving them, events in history, Australian political history, the history of humans, medicine and science.. lots of world history/politics. And a bit of Takeshi's Castle and British comedy. Really rewarding and intellectually stimulating conversation that filled me up better than the dinner tonight. Don't get me wrong, I was stuffed from dinner, but the conversation was so refreshing. It's good having such knowledgeable friends, I learn so much from them.

Got in touch with Fitzy today as I'm going to be flying to Melbourne tomorrow afternoon. Did a bit of research online and discovered that the St Kilda markets are on tomorrow night, and they're only on Thursdays. But I don't know what the distance is from the airport and/or his place, so I don't know if it's a viable option. In any case I'll be happy to see an old friend again, and I'll be that little bit closer to seeing my boyfriend again. Feels like it's been a long time since I saw him, even though it was only on Sunday. Really looking forward to this weekend, I hope everything goes well.

it's a dance dance revolution

Bumped into a good friend of mine at uni just before class, so we agreed to meet up afterwards. Gave him a call and joined him at a group meeting he was having, somehow ended up talking about where I was born and where I live now, and ended up being offered a ride home by one of his group mates! Wicked!

So the three of us were walking out of the building and then we run into another friend who knows all three of us, which is also great, and as he also lives in our general direction we all walk together to the car. It was such a random happening, but so much fun - KLour and Phromjom are two of the coolest guys to hang out with, and Harish was a legend for offering rides to all of us. A very generous chap :) Phromjom's the only one who lives in a completely different direction so he was dropped off at the station while the rest of us headed home.

The reason I'm mentioning this is because of the conversation that ensued in the car. The remaining three of us somehow got to talking about dancing and dance forms, mostly of the "urban"/"street-dance" variety. Popping, locking, groove, boogaloo, animation, robot, krumping, crips and bloods, battling, clubbing, .. to name most. We talked about the history of various styles and their associated techniques, how they were formed, who created them, dance legends, the culture and misrepresentations of hip-hop and gangsta rap (amongst others) in the eye of the general public.. it was such an enlightening and fulfilling conversation. I learnt so much in those 40 or so minutes, I wish we'd chatting at home or in a bar instead of being on the road because we could have talked for hours. KLour is a passionate person about dance, and he knows so much about the hip-hoppin' world that I've wanted to learn about but never really gotten around to doing.

Although there has been a steady stream of dance movies over the years (Center Stage, Save The Last Dance, Step Up I & II, Rize, Stomp The Yard to mention a few), I think shows such as SYTYCD and America's Best Dance Crew have really brought dancers into the spotlight and re-energised peoples' interest in various forms of dance these days. Salsa dancing appears to be the growing trend within my social circle, and I've always had a group (or groups) of friends interested in the hip-hop culture and dance forms. I personally really enjoy dancing and learning about various styles from those who excel and/or are passionate about it. It's like stepping into a totally different world - it's so easy to just dance however you feel, but once you decide to get serious about it, it's like trying to devour all the books in a library in a single day. There is a huge wealth of knowledge waiting to be taught to those who wish to learn.

I guess what I'm trying to get at with all of this, is that I think it's easy for people to write off dancers as being "unintelligent" simply because they don't bury their heads in numbers and books. But it's a whole different culture and lifestyle that those people are missing out on. Dancers make the dancing look easy. But you can't just spit out a good technique like you can copy out a maths formula.

Similarly, the hip-hop culture is in my opinion often overlooked by older generations as being rowdy (sub-woofer, anyone?) and dangerous (gangsta rap and all that East-side/West-side rivalry, etc) and so on. But again, there is a depth to the culture that many people are not educated about. I admit that I don't know a huge deal about it all, but I feel that I know enough to be able to respect it for what it is, and would love to learn more about it.

Anyway I'm rambling now so I'd better stop. Artists (in both performing and creative arts) are so underrated sometimes!

fun in the sun

Okay so this morning I played a bit of Gostop before I met up with my boy. I only played for 30 or 40 mins..

Lan and I drove out to Manly for a big breakfast/brunch, which turned out to be not as big as we'd hoped, but still very yummy. We also went shopping - he bought a new pair of groovy shoes, and I bought a skirt, a top and a party dress to replace my old one (finally!). When I say 'old', I'm talking around 4 years, so I think my purchase was justified . I don't buy clothes often, mostly because I can't afford to, but also mostly because there's nothing out there that particularly attracts me these days. I'm probably just looking in the wrong places.. but I'm not a hardcore shopper so I usually don't go out of my way to find awesome shops.

After brunch/shopping, to Freshie for some sun and surf with mates. The sun was harsh, but the surf was icy cold - I couldn't feel my feet after a few minutes of being in the water! Nevertheless we all had a bit of fun with a mini NFL ball until the unanimous decision was that it was too cold to stay in the water. Abort, return to towels, dry out and heat up, and then back into the water. Repeat numerous times. It was totally worth it :)

Today's beach trip was the first in a long while - the previous summer at least. And with memories of the last trip lingering in my mind I found that I was automatically afraid of the oncoming waves, no matter how small. I felt as though I didn't know what to do against them, and where I would usually dive down into the water and stay near the sand to let the waves ride over me, I felt a fear that stopped me from diving into the water at all. I didn't want to stray out too far, just incase a big wave started to break near the shore. There were only one or two medium-ish waves that I was hit by today, but even then I wanted to be clinging onto Lan's arm for safety and protection. I'm surprised that I've been so affected by the incident from last summer, but I hope that in the upcoming months I will be able to face my fear and be rid of it. Strangely enough, it wasn't until my boy and I were leaving the beach that I realised this was the beach where I'd been severely wave-dumped. So maybe it was a subconscious fear of the same mistake being made at the same beach. Maybe I'll be okay at all other beaches. I hope so.

TBTTHTMT: Big breakfast with my boy. Finally buying clothes. Soaking up plenty of sun and enjoying the sunscreen (I used to hate the stuff but now I quite like it). Spending time with old friends.. I definitely don't get to see them enough!

more missed deadlines, and other things

I'm so inconsistent with my blog posts. It suggests that I spend more time away from the computer these days, but that is far from the truth. That said, I feel like I have been having at least one happy moment each day lately, and it's a good feeling. It almost feels wrong.. I expect something to go wrong, somebody to go off at me, etc. Well actually I still have people getting angry at me, but I feel like I'm able to brush it off better.. sometimes. At times I feel like it hits harder, because I'm getting used to the positive vibes.

But to get back to the point - some of the best things that have happened to me lately (hence the missed deadlines*) are: more 21st birthday parties, finally getting to experience the fun that is Guitar Hero III, finally watching the remaining episodes of The Gruen Transfer (need to start on Good News Week soon!) and watching Season 7 of Scrubs. Also, spending time with my friends at uni, even if it was mostly for group assignments (I still had loads of fun), and being more active in keeping in touch with people over Facebook. Admittedly, Facebook is not the ideal form of communication (unless your friends are overseas or interstate, and even then I suppose Skype is a better option, unless your timezones are really out of sync), but I guess it will have to do for now. And truth be told, there are lots of people you can chat to on Facebook, but in real life you wouldn't have much to say to each other. Which is strange. But when I consider that I don't use Facebook to talk to my closest friends, it makes sense (in an odd way).

*Thankfully I didn't miss any deadlines for uni assignments last week - got them all done, even if I wasn't impressed with my individual assignment. At least I can say that our group assignments went well (hope the markers think so too)!

---

My boyfriend bought me a piggy bank on the weekend. It's really pretty, and the design and colours combined remind me of the playing cards from Disney's Alice in Wonderland. I wish I was good at giving presents. I think it reflects badly on me because it suggests that I don't really pay attention to people and their personalities, or what they like/enjoy.

I've openly admitted in the past that I couldn't pull together a list of the things he likes, and I used to get depressed about it. But I think I can do it now..

Sports: Manchester United.. can't remember what particular football league though (English Premier League?).. I know it's only recently started..
TV: Scrubs, The Shield, Entourage, maybe Flight of the Conchords now
Music: Lots! Some of the favourites that I can remember right now are John Legend, Ministry of Sound, Alicia Keys, Deftones, Daft Punk, Katie Noonan, Robin Thicke, Anthony Hamilton.. and various songs sung by the characters from Scrubs
Books: Eric van Lustbader (emphasis on the "lust" part) and Paulo Coelho. And he's reading "The God Delusion" by Richard Dawkins (?) at the moment..
Animals: Beagles, and I think Golden Retrievers / Russian Blues.. definitely not Chihuahuas!
Games: Street Fighter, Stacker, Tekken 5/6, Guitar Hero III, Battlefield 2142 (I don't know if that's the right number haha!), Lego Star Wars and/or Indiana Jones, Poker, Gostop and I think to a lesser extent Pet Society, Word Challenge and Diablo.
Other: Discovering new recipes in the kitchen through some culinary improvisation, inserting at least five Scrubs quotes into every conversation (give or take 2 or 3), making me laugh by doing silly things that I'm too embarrassed to do (I eventually pick up on them later), playing games/being competitive with me, finding new music that I like and haven't heard of yet (sometimes this is more difficult than you may think!), creating in-jokes together.. that's all for now.

So there's the proof. I do know something about him. :)

---

Just want to keep trying, trying
Just want to keep trying for you
I want to care for you
In your darkest moment
I want to make you smile
All the time

I just want to keep trying
Trying for you..

the best thing(s) that happened yesterday

Day 2 and I've already missed the deadline. Oops.

The best thing about yesterday was bumping into mates from primary school in JB. That, and not losing my phone during the day! Dani & I were running across the oval at uni towards Maccas, and I didn't notice that my phone had fallen out of my pocket. It wasn't until we were finishing our meal and I was about to call my boy, that I realised I no longer had my phone. Luckily I'd changed the settings from silent to ringtone, and we found my phone lying on the grass, sunbaking away. Another lucky escape for me.. don't know what I would have done if I'd lost my phone!

Today is another day to look forward to. Yay!

the best thing that happened to me today

I have two websites to thank for this inspiration: theSCOOP for writing about Princess Lasertron, and Princess Lasertron for writing about a memory from her childhood.

In an effort to be more positive about life and my daily experiences, I'm going to try and write about the best thing that happened to me today, every day.

So, let's begin with the weekend that has just passed, because it was a pretty fun couple of days!

Friday: The best things about today were hanging out with Dani during the day and going to Ramtin's 21st at night. I had so much fun with Dani playing DS, browsing Domayne and then having a once-in-a-lifetime Krispy Kremes feast of 6 donuts and large milkshakes! Although we only managed to finish a donut each by the time we left the store. Ramtin's 21st was great, it was so nice being out near the beach, although the weather was terribly windy and cold and wet, which wasn't so fun. That was ok though, we were all hanging out in an underground bar and having a cosy time indoors!

Saturday: Putting some eyeshadow on my face all by myself! Makes me sound juvenile, but for somebody who has never really had much interest in makeup, this is a great achievement. I don't think it looked particularly amazing, but it didn't look horrible either, so I was happy about that! Although this was probably not THE best thing of the day. The best thing was two of my girlfriends having a joint 21st. It was so much fun! I was able to catch up with loads of high school friends I'd missed for ages, and I laughed and chatted the evening away with my man at my side.

Sunday (i.e. today): I was able to sleep in until 1pm, after getting home at 1.30am from my friends' 21st party. I feel like I don't get enough sleep these days, for whatever reason, so it was a much welcomed deviation from the norm!

The best thing about my life overall is the love I have in my life. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I'm so glad we're together. :)

life, love and friends

This post is dated 17 Sept 2006. It was on an old blog which I got rid of, but I liked this entry so I kept it in a notepad file.

Sometimes I feel like I have moments of 'otherworldliness', where I don't feel attached to anybody or anything, and I feel 'abstract', so to speak. The feeling of detachment is hard to describe, but it’s a time where I feel at peace with myself. Maybe it's got something to do with the fact that I'm just feeling a little exhausted at the moment. I tend to be peaceful and calmly reflective when I'm tired.

Last night I went out to the city with a friend. We had dinner at Wagamama's on King St Wharf - the food was nice, but I wasn't that hungry so I couldn't finish my meal. I don't eat big meals - I eat little and often. 'Grazing', if you like. So when I go out to dinner, I get full pretty quickly. But funnily enough, there's always some space for dessert.

We went to Gelatissimo's for some gelato, and then we went for a drive to a special spot near Bronte beach. I say it was special because it was my friend's thinking spot, a place where he could escape the rest of the world and let his troubles go. And he was sharing it with me.

It took a while for my eyes to adjust from the brightly lit streets to the unlit darkness of the cliff, but even before I could see it all, I felt complete. (The purity of the natural environment - it always hits me hard and I love it).
---

It was beautiful.

To be able to sit there on the edge of a cliff and feel the calm of the sea,
to listen to the waves gently breaking against the rocks down below;
to look out to the boundless horizon and feel my soul sigh with peace and fulfillment.

To look up to the sky,
see the stars,
and sense the universe;
to be wrapped up in its cosmic infinity.

To be spiritually refreshed in a moment,
to have no wants,
no needs,
no desires;
to know that nothing in the world could possibly hurt me now.

And if my life had ended at that point in time
I would have died a peaceful death,
with the light of the stars in my eyes,
the song of the sea in my heart,
and the blood of the universe in my veins.

---
I don’t remember when we actually got there (maybe 10pm?), but we were there until almost midnight, talking, gossiping, and learning from each other as we usually do. It was an evening to cherish. And the best part about it was that I was sharing an awesome experience with a friend and not a lover. Because it would have been such a different evening if I had done the same kind of trip with my boyfriend. Not that that would have been a bad thing, but the love I feel towards the friends who mean a lot to me, feels to me like a wholesome love.. hard to explain, easy to interpret the wrong way. So pretend you didn't read that last sentence.

I could have stayed until dawn, were it not for the fact that it was quite cold (I was wearing shorts and a thin jacket) and I had to get home (protective parents). I would say that I’d love to do it again, to be in the city on a Saturday night (it’s always such an exciting event for me) and then to visit a quiet spot by the sea – but for some reason I have no current desire to repeat the experience. It’s a very unusual reaction for me. I have no way of explaining it. I think it’s because last night feels (to me) so out of place with the normalcy and routine of daily life. It was an unexpected escape from my usual world. And I’m afraid that if I experience it too often, the blissful retreat from my life, I’ll become dissatisfied with my day to day living, and become grumpy and glum and too addicted to unadulterated freedom.

But it’s experiences like that which make me question my relationships. I could give all my love to the world quite easily; I feel as though my soul and spirit belong to the universe – how could I possibly give myself freely to one person? The universe has no boundaries, it has no expectations of me; but a human love is restrictive – it is filled with needs and desires, it asks things of you, and it is not easy.

I guess that’s a bit narrow-minded and perhaps hypocritical of me to say that. I’m in a relationship at the moment, and I’m enjoying it very much.

friendtalk

And all of a sudden,
I realise what I've been missing.

I missed talking to somebody who listened.

Somebody who didn't try to give advice
like I needed a shrink,
like I couldn't solve my own problems.

But you're different.

You ask me questions,
like I ask you questions,
and you tell me your stories
like I tell you mine.

You share yourself with me
like friends do -
openly.


Thank you.

it's about time

After enjoying the freedom of writing a blog that nobody but I knew the address of, I've now decided to share it with my friends on Facebook. I've decided to stay away from the site meters that count how many people have and haven't been to the site - I don't give a shit about how popular or unpopular I am, and I'm not going to write to impress specific people, I'm going to write to express myself and my opinions, and to rediscover who I am and where I'm headed.

I don't think it's particularly interesting at the moment - most of the posts are for my Science & Religion gen. ed. subject. There's a few movie and music reviews around, and a few posts where I've just decided to vent my spleen about things that make me angry/upset, or I've gone all airy-fairy/arty-farty and written some spontaneous poetry.

In my opinion, poetry is the writer's version of art. The classics are spectacular, but some of the 'contemporary' crap that gets loads of kudos and is highly acclaimed.. it only reiterates the fact that arts are so subjective, being of a highly personal nature..

But I digress.

To whoever stumbles across this blog, I hope you enjoy it, but if you don't, that's okay, we probably don't or wouldn't connect well in real life. Like everybody else, I've got my own quirks I suppose! :)

If you're planning on reading this blog on a regular basis, I would suggest you start at the beginning - this space is only 2-3 months old.

Feel free to leave comments; don't be offended if I don't respond.

If you come across a music review and you want to hear the music I'm talking about, let me know - I love sharing music and introducing people to new sounds.

----------------
Now playing: Stevie Wonder & Babyface - How Come, How Long

refreshing conversation

Today I caught up with a mate who lives in Melbourne, and is in Sydney for the weekend - hadn't seen him for about 2 years, so it was really good to catch up and just be able to chat in person. Chocolate overload at Lindt Cafe, a study break in between, and then dinner with him and a few other friends at Pepper Lunch.

Over and after dinner, we had this great conversation about music, and the music industry, and what music used to be and what it has become today. And it was seriously like a breath of fresh air to me.

Some of the things we discussed were:

B4MD
No, this isn't the name of some weird underground band that only 'musos' know and appreciate. However, it IS a DVD that I don't think many people know about. To cut a long story short, it's about the American music industry, and the filmmakers' quest to understand why music has become so commercial now, and the impact that the major record labels and corporations have, the demise of radio, etc etc... the interviews are what makes the film great. My description doesn't do the film any justice whatsoever, I would recommend (especially to all those who consider themselves musicians) that you check out their website - www.b4md.com

Music then and music now
Fitzy and I had a good rant about how music is so produced nowadays. Doesn't matter if you sing off-key, or if you're tone-deaf, the technology available in this day and age can make you sound as good as you want - and you could probably sound like whoever you want as well. If you've got the money, you've got the capabilities to make some really great sounding music. The problem I have with this, is that its so manufactured. Sure, there's nothing wrong with a perfect-sounding album - but you're not gaining much respect from me if you can't deliver the goods live.

Take one, take two, take three, take etc. Compare that to the musicians of yesteryear, e.g the 50s and 60s and even earlier, where they only had the means to perform a single take. So the whole group, the percussionists, the vocalists, the instrumentalists, had to be on the ball. In some cases I'm sure that they only had one recording session as well, so they would have to get all their songs right, in one sitting.

And so what if the track didn't work out to be perfect. So what if you can hear the drummer dropping his drumsticks at 3 mins 35 seconds in the song, or a back-up singer forgets a word in a chorus. It's the little imperfections that make the song and the recording unique! You don't have to get rid of stuff like that.

Fitzy was telling me about a friend of his, who had managed to acquire a copy of Marvin Gaye's recording of "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" in its 8-track original - as in, the drums recording, and the vocals recording etc in different 'files', so to speak (I'm pretty poor on the musical terminology). So they were able to muck around with all the different levels and what-not, making the different instruments louder or softer etc.. and at one point his friend pulled down all the tracks except the vocals - and Marvin Gaye is missing lyrics here and there, there's sounds where there shouldn't be any.. what I'm trying to get at here, is that we all know and love Marvin Gaye's music (or at least you should do), and yet here is an example of music that hasn't been produced to the shit. It's a 'raw' recording, in comparison to the polished tunes that we hear today.. and it's great!

That's not all we talked about, but it's what I remember the most. I was learning from these conversations, and slowly taking up a different attitude to music and my own performance habits. Who cares if you make the odd mistake. Don't stress about it, just enjoy the ride, make your next solo even better than the one before. The passion and energy you exude is what makes the audience disregard those mistakes.

Imperfection, improvisation, spontaneity - the beauty and awesomeness of live music.

On a tangent. I also brought up the topic of the Dave Matthews Band (DMB) and their music. If you have a listen to their albums, you'll find that they write some pretty awesome songs. And if you listen to them over and over, sometimes through speakers, sometimes through a good pair of stereo headphones, you'll discover sounds that you hadn't heard in previous listenings. It's because they have so many intricate melodies intertwined throughout their tracks, and it makes for a really interesting and fun set of songs. But how do you write/transpose that kind of stuff to paper? And how do you rehearse the kind of 'extended jam sessions' they have during their live performances? It's absolutely nuts. But DMB has been together for about 15 years now, if not longer.. I guess you fall into a smooth groove, and you know each other so well that the music and its performance becomes second nature.

To digress once again. I discovered this great YouTube video, of the amazing bassist Victor Wooten, performing his own rendition of Amazing Grace (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mx2vuK5pGTg). This guy is as musically insane as Carter Beauford is with his drums.

the true you; the essence of our being

Earlier this month, this random thought came along and knocked on the door of my mind.

So I wrote it down in this blog, saved it as a draft, and promised myself to come back to it later.

Instead, I ended up discussing the thought with a friend of mine, who is currently living in Scotland- and it was a great conversation we had!

Disclaimer: We click in a strange way, so I don't blame you if you don't understand what we're talking about :)

A: People are constantly affected and changed by their experiences and their environments, so is there such a thing as the 'true' you? How can there be an essence to you if people are constantly everchanging...?

B: I suppose the ego is you, your perception of yourself - because if you look at it, 'you' as anything more than a collection of atoms is purely an intellectual construct really... so arguably doesn't even exist!
When you think about it, you being you is no more real than an imaginary friend.

A: Hmm makes sense I suppose.

B: It does, but it's stupid.

A: But we refer to it so often, like "That's so you", or "That's so him"

B: Well, that's where I think intelligence and perception come into it - I mean I have an idea of who 'you' are - Joan in my perception may be quite different to who you think 'you' are, so for each of us, the idea of a true 'you' is different.

A: We seem to have traits that become typical and predictable. Does that make the true you? Or perhaps the true you also shifts and changes - but then that skews the concept of the true.. Hmmmmmmm

B: Ah yes, another question - what is truth?

A: Indeed. I wouldn't know where to begin with that one

B: The trouble with perception though, is that I perceive who you are according to how I've interacted with you and observed you (as you have with me). So I measure who you are (subconsciously probably) against an idea of Joan I've got in my mind, so when you change, I say things like "That's not like you", whereas YOUR idea of you is ALWAYS changing cos you're living the change. So chances are you won't know what I'm talking about.

A: Whereas somebody else might know me for something else.

B: Exactly.

A: But I think I do know, sometimes, and I check myself; I think, hang on, I wouldn't usually do this - but then there's the question again:
If I havent been in this kind of a situation before, how can I say that I wouldn't "usually" do this?

B: Well, when you're as amazing as you are Joan, you have to ability to perceive yourself as others do. Not all of us can do that. You can anticipate what you might do.

A: Ridiculous! What do you mean?

B: I guess I mean that you're the kind of person who is generally aware of what others think of them. Not in a verbal way, but just aware.

A: You know, I kind of wonder whether people put themselves in others shoes as often I feel like I do sometimes. Like, I see somebody walk past, and then I see out of their eyes.. I imagine holding that book, with that bag, looking at me, or whoever else is walking by..
I probably don't do it as often as I'm implying, but I do it nonetheless.

B: Haha no they don't.. I reckon almost nobody does. Not many people have that kind of awareness. Consideration I guess you call it.

A: Who knows, maybe they do, you just havent talked about it with them ;)

B: Hehe ok that's true. But you can always take a guess. I just get the impression that if people did think like that then more people would be more considerate to each other.

A: Hmm, maybe.

B: Ever find yourself wishing you told someone "Well, how would YOU feel if you were so and so"... I reckon I want to say it at least twice a day, to some schmuck who couldnt care less about the person next to them.

A: But to that question, I might say "Well toughen up", or somebody else might feel that way, because they've been through worse. Of course, its all relative..

B: True, it is, but that's my point...

A: ...and your experiences make you a certain toughness

B: If someone were to reply 'toughen up' well, they're not really considering the other person at all, are they? So that's why I reckon not many people think like that.

A: Or, they're considering the situation of that person, but applying it to their own standard.

B: How so?

A: So, a kind of deluded consideration. Say for example, conversation between three people. Friends, but one's the mediator in the conversation, another's upset, another's being toughnuts. And the mediator's trying to make Mr Toughnuts understand by explaining the sorry situation Mr Upset is in. So the mediator's empathising, he's really putting himself into Mr Upset's shoes. But Mr Toughnuts, having been told the story, is kinda thinking "Well if *I* were in that situation, I'd do this and this etc", so rather than being in the other person's shoes, he's put himself in the scene...? Does that make sense?

B: Yes but Mr Toughnuts isn't really being considerate is he? He's thinking "If I were in that situation", not "Mr Upset is in the situation"

A: Yeah, deluded consideration...? Considering the wrong aspect of the situation..? Hmm maybe my logic is illogic, hehe!

B: Well, what is logic anyway? ;)

A: *slaps head & laughs* Hehe

B: Change topic please...