Writing because I can't be bothered starting my tax assignment tonight. I'll get some rest, try not to get any more sick than I am (otherwise that will make me actually sick, not almost-sick), and start it in the morning.
---
The funny thing?
The reason for which I dislike a handful of girls I know, actually exists within me too. Funny how you can hate somebody or have less respect for somebody because of what they do, even though you've been there yourself. I tolerate them because I'm no better than they are, and I know the kind of mindset they have; and one of the key reasons I can restrain myself is because I'm sick of fucking up my life. I really am.
Anyway.
I'm actually not depressed!
I had a wonderful day today actually. Really productive day at work, despite all the distractions, which were also a lot of fun.
Had a lovely lunch with my boyfriend at a restaurant/cafe called Rosebud. We had a sharing platter which was quite tasty, and I had an Egyptian tea with rose water and actual mint leaves in the glass. Easily the best thing I've tasted all year.
I'd like to live in Balmain. The whole area seems peaceful and friendly; there are lots of dogs being walked all the time; it's near the city but not bustling like the city; it's near the water; and it feels a little like a quiet semi-busy street in Melbourne but with better weather.
Bought a box of Belle Fleur chocolates for Mum as an early Mother's Day gift, and bought a couple for myself as a small treat. I felt that 2 chocolates was enough self-indulgence, so I shared the other 2 with my boyfriend.
The weather was also fantastic - radiant blue skies in the day, glowing full moon in clear skies at night.
What a wonderful day :)
TBTTHTMT: Egyptian mint tea with rose water. Incredible.
Showing posts with label negativity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label negativity. Show all posts
Friday, May 8, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
twenty-four hours of disgruntledness
The past night and day has been exhausting.
- I had a conversation with one of my friends (who is effectively also a mentor) that made me feel like a bit of a failure simply because I wasn't going to take action on a recommendation of theirs. No hard feelings - I know they only mean the best for me, and I always appreciate what they say. But it was just one sentence that cut me down and made me feel inadequate.
- Slept badly. Kept waking up through the night because of the lantern lights I'd left on in my room.
- I realised that the JR Fete is only 4 weeks away and I need to get on top of my merchandise-making activities if I'm going to have ANYTHING to sell as part of my own stall. I'm such an idiot. This provided me with the greatest amount of stress today.
- No I take that back. I had frustrating arguments with my dad to make me want to go ballistic. However I'm well versed in the art of self-restraint, and did no such thing. The only moment at which I let myself go was when I snapped a ballpoint pen in half. Had I not done that, my brain would have probably exploded and caused a lot of pain.
- Working with a million constraints, half of which shouldn't really exist, and WOULDN'T exist if people were more flexible. I think I managed to get through the day okay, but I'm glad it's almost over.
Rant of the day:
I have nothing against arguments, and I would even go so far as to say I'm generally even-tempered in reasonable arguments. The only time I will get annoyed and frustrated to the point of explosion, is when the other party refuses to hear your side of the argument, or picks on you for something completely unrelated to the topic at hand, or misinterprets/twists your words and refuses to hear an explanation. Not giving people a fair go is the worst thing anybody can do. It's like revoking freedom. Nobody should be subject to that unless they've committed a heinous crime.
< / rant>
- I had a conversation with one of my friends (who is effectively also a mentor) that made me feel like a bit of a failure simply because I wasn't going to take action on a recommendation of theirs. No hard feelings - I know they only mean the best for me, and I always appreciate what they say. But it was just one sentence that cut me down and made me feel inadequate.
- Slept badly. Kept waking up through the night because of the lantern lights I'd left on in my room.
- I realised that the JR Fete is only 4 weeks away and I need to get on top of my merchandise-making activities if I'm going to have ANYTHING to sell as part of my own stall. I'm such an idiot. This provided me with the greatest amount of stress today.
- No I take that back. I had frustrating arguments with my dad to make me want to go ballistic. However I'm well versed in the art of self-restraint, and did no such thing. The only moment at which I let myself go was when I snapped a ballpoint pen in half. Had I not done that, my brain would have probably exploded and caused a lot of pain.
- Working with a million constraints, half of which shouldn't really exist, and WOULDN'T exist if people were more flexible. I think I managed to get through the day okay, but I'm glad it's almost over.
Rant of the day:
I have nothing against arguments, and I would even go so far as to say I'm generally even-tempered in reasonable arguments. The only time I will get annoyed and frustrated to the point of explosion, is when the other party refuses to hear your side of the argument, or picks on you for something completely unrelated to the topic at hand, or misinterprets/twists your words and refuses to hear an explanation. Not giving people a fair go is the worst thing anybody can do. It's like revoking freedom. Nobody should be subject to that unless they've committed a heinous crime.
< / rant>
Monday, January 19, 2009
note to self:
Stop buying things I don't need. I was doing pretty well lately, just spending money on transport and virtually nothing else. I still have to pay off my personal credit card - waiting for my next paycheck to come through. Savings are starting to drop, which isn't a good sign. And then I'll be spending money on my birthday thing which is going to burn a hole in my already small pocket. I will be content if everybody has a good time. That's all I really want. Lots of smiles and lots of laughs.. happy faces are a real treat.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Floetry - If I Was A Bird
(Spoken) Sometimes blindness finds me
and leads me through ignorance
not allowing us to gain experience
so we become lifeless
At other times I cover with
self pity or walk aimlessly through reality so
Occasionally I choose to travel alone
but never fulfil my possibility so
mostly I attempt to achieve balance
by seeking right knowledge of loving
and reviewing and eventually overstanding those
many lessons of my life
You got me caught in a stormy eye world of dreams
And I beg to see truth and promises you've made to me
Now we’ve come so far but my visions of happiness
With you in my life I’m afraid and confused
If I was a bird I’d fly
If I was a bird I’d fly away
Spread my wings so I’d escape
If I was the sky
I’d let it rain to wash away the pain
If I was a bird I’d fly away
Spread my wings so I’d escape
If I was the sky
I’d let it rain to wash away the pain
Now why do I feel so alone
Knowing I know I have you
And what made you turn around on me
What did I do
And when did love feel this way
So much pain and misery
Where’s the you I once knew
And could ya fly with me
If I was a bird I’d fly away
Spread my wings so I’d escape
If I was the sky
I’d let it rain to wash away the pain
If I was a bird I’d fly away
Spread my wings so I’d escape
If I was the sky
I’d let it rain to wash away the pain
Now I can’t stay
You won’t need me
Set me free and let me fly
Oh fly with me
Fly with me me
Fly with me yeah
Fly oh fly fly
If I was a bird I’d fly away
Spread my wings so I’d escape
If I was the sky
I’d let it rain to wash away the pain
If I was a bird I’d fly away
Spread my wings so I’d escape
If I was the sky
I’d let it rain to wash away the pain
Fly away
If I was the sky
I’d let it rain to wash the pain
Fly away
and leads me through ignorance
not allowing us to gain experience
so we become lifeless
At other times I cover with
self pity or walk aimlessly through reality so
Occasionally I choose to travel alone
but never fulfil my possibility so
mostly I attempt to achieve balance
by seeking right knowledge of loving
and reviewing and eventually overstanding those
many lessons of my life
You got me caught in a stormy eye world of dreams
And I beg to see truth and promises you've made to me
Now we’ve come so far but my visions of happiness
With you in my life I’m afraid and confused
If I was a bird I’d fly
If I was a bird I’d fly away
Spread my wings so I’d escape
If I was the sky
I’d let it rain to wash away the pain
If I was a bird I’d fly away
Spread my wings so I’d escape
If I was the sky
I’d let it rain to wash away the pain
Now why do I feel so alone
Knowing I know I have you
And what made you turn around on me
What did I do
And when did love feel this way
So much pain and misery
Where’s the you I once knew
And could ya fly with me
If I was a bird I’d fly away
Spread my wings so I’d escape
If I was the sky
I’d let it rain to wash away the pain
If I was a bird I’d fly away
Spread my wings so I’d escape
If I was the sky
I’d let it rain to wash away the pain
Now I can’t stay
You won’t need me
Set me free and let me fly
Oh fly with me
Fly with me me
Fly with me yeah
Fly oh fly fly
If I was a bird I’d fly away
Spread my wings so I’d escape
If I was the sky
I’d let it rain to wash away the pain
If I was a bird I’d fly away
Spread my wings so I’d escape
If I was the sky
I’d let it rain to wash away the pain
Fly away
If I was the sky
I’d let it rain to wash the pain
Fly away
Monday, October 27, 2008
love does not keep a record of wrongs
Trying to surprise somebody and make them happy is extremely difficult with a smile on your face when all they seem to do is upset you at every turn before you present them with your surprise. I wanted so dearly to make him happy, and I think I managed it in the end, but even now the tears well to my eyes because there were so many moments leading up to the surprise where I felt like I was trying to fight a current of upsetting feelings, because he was abrupt at times and/or grumpy at times from lack of sleep/hot weather/traffic/etc.. Again, maybe I need to just relax some more and not take everything so personally. But sometimes I wish he was more aware of what he's doing and/or how's he communicating.
The fact that I've written all of the above is a bit ironic, given the title of this post. But I needed to get it off my chest somehow. My morning didn't start well - I slipped over while stepping out of the shower (and now there's a nice bruise on my leg, no serious injuries thankfully), and I had a bad start to my driving test (and felt like I made a ridiculous number of mistakes) which apparently didn't affect my score that much - I passed and received my red P's which was a huge relief as I was very certain I'd failed. So emotions were riding high, I couldn't get through to him because of bad phone reception, and when I did I felt bad because he was so tired he couldn't even talk. In another phone conversation later that afternoon I asked a small favour and he got pretty exasperated over the phone, which was the kicker. I felt pretty crap after that, but forgot about it in the hope that things would be better when we met up.
Little things bother me, but only because there seems to be lots of little things all at once, which accumulate and push me to tears. I still believe I only cry out of frustration.. or empathy for somebody else (usually a Disney character of some sort), and even then that's only because they attach emotional music to the important scene!
Anyways - the summary? Lots of things bothered me today, but I don't care, because I genuinely surprised him and made him happy, and that in itself makes me feel peaceful. Love does not keep a record of wrongs, and I intend to make it that way.
The fact that I've written all of the above is a bit ironic, given the title of this post. But I needed to get it off my chest somehow. My morning didn't start well - I slipped over while stepping out of the shower (and now there's a nice bruise on my leg, no serious injuries thankfully), and I had a bad start to my driving test (and felt like I made a ridiculous number of mistakes) which apparently didn't affect my score that much - I passed and received my red P's which was a huge relief as I was very certain I'd failed. So emotions were riding high, I couldn't get through to him because of bad phone reception, and when I did I felt bad because he was so tired he couldn't even talk. In another phone conversation later that afternoon I asked a small favour and he got pretty exasperated over the phone, which was the kicker. I felt pretty crap after that, but forgot about it in the hope that things would be better when we met up.
Little things bother me, but only because there seems to be lots of little things all at once, which accumulate and push me to tears. I still believe I only cry out of frustration.. or empathy for somebody else (usually a Disney character of some sort), and even then that's only because they attach emotional music to the important scene!
Anyways - the summary? Lots of things bothered me today, but I don't care, because I genuinely surprised him and made him happy, and that in itself makes me feel peaceful. Love does not keep a record of wrongs, and I intend to make it that way.
Monday, September 15, 2008
love hurts.. but it still feels so good
I don't get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here
And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I know
That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest
What if I'd been born fifty years before you
In a house on a street where you lived?
Maybe I'd be outside as you passed on your bike
Would I know?
And in a white sea of eyes
I see one pair that I recognise
And I know
That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest
I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you
Next door there's an old man who lived to his nineties
And one day passed away in his sleep
And his wife; she stayed for a couple of days
And passed away
I'm sorry, I know that's a strange way to tell you that I know we belong
That I know
That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest
-- Ben Folds, "The Luckiest" (from the album Rockin' The Suburbs)
This is such a beautiful song. Thankyou iTunes Genius.
---
The music made me cry some more, but it's also made me stop crying. I don't really know why I felt so down all of a sudden. I guess I was just so happy to see him and spend time with him and then he got down when I didn't mean to make him feel like that. And then I felt bad that I did that. Then later on he got annoyed at me and I felt bad again because I just want to be happy around him. He's my escape from the world; he is my world. When I can't turn to him for a smile, who can I turn to?
Uh-oh. Crying again.
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here
And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I know
That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest
What if I'd been born fifty years before you
In a house on a street where you lived?
Maybe I'd be outside as you passed on your bike
Would I know?
And in a white sea of eyes
I see one pair that I recognise
And I know
That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest
I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you
Next door there's an old man who lived to his nineties
And one day passed away in his sleep
And his wife; she stayed for a couple of days
And passed away
I'm sorry, I know that's a strange way to tell you that I know we belong
That I know
That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest
-- Ben Folds, "The Luckiest" (from the album Rockin' The Suburbs)
This is such a beautiful song. Thankyou iTunes Genius.
---
The music made me cry some more, but it's also made me stop crying. I don't really know why I felt so down all of a sudden. I guess I was just so happy to see him and spend time with him and then he got down when I didn't mean to make him feel like that. And then I felt bad that I did that. Then later on he got annoyed at me and I felt bad again because I just want to be happy around him. He's my escape from the world; he is my world. When I can't turn to him for a smile, who can I turn to?
Uh-oh. Crying again.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Sunday, June 29, 2008
feeling a little flat about myself and the world
I get up in the evening
And I ain't got nothing to say
I come home in the morning
I go to bed feeling the same way
I ain't nothing but tired
I'm just tired and bored with myself
Hey there baby I could use just a little help
You can't start a fire
You can't start a fire without a spark
This gun is for hire
Even if we're just dancing in the dark
Message keeps getting clearer
Radio's on and I'm moving 'round my place
Check my look in the mirror
Wanna change my hair, my clothes, my face
I ain't getting nowhere sleeping in a dump like this
Something happening somewhere
Something happening somewhere
Something happening somewhere
Something happening somewhere
You can't start a fire
You can't start a fire without a spark
This gun is for hire
Even if we're just dancing in the dark
You can't start a fire
Sitting around crying over a broken heart
This gun is for hire
Even if we're just dancing in the dark
You can't start a fire
Worrying about your little world falling apart
This gun is for hire
Even if we're just dancing in the dark
---
If blood will flow, when flesh and steel are one
Drying in the colour of the evening sun
Tomorrow's rain will wash the stains away
But something in our minds will always stay.
Perhaps this final act was meant
To clinch a lifetime's argument
That nothing comes from violence, and nothing ever could
For all those born beneath an angry star
Lest we forget how fragile we are.
On and on, the rain will fall
Like tears from a star, like tears from a star
On and on, the rain will say
How fragile we are, how fragile we are
On and on, the rain will fall
Like tears from a star, like tears from a star
On and on, the rain will say
How fragile we are, how fragile we are
How fragile we are, how fragile we are.
Tegan & Sarah, "Dancing in the Dark"; Sting, "Fragile"
And I ain't got nothing to say
I come home in the morning
I go to bed feeling the same way
I ain't nothing but tired
I'm just tired and bored with myself
Hey there baby I could use just a little help
You can't start a fire
You can't start a fire without a spark
This gun is for hire
Even if we're just dancing in the dark
Message keeps getting clearer
Radio's on and I'm moving 'round my place
Check my look in the mirror
Wanna change my hair, my clothes, my face
I ain't getting nowhere sleeping in a dump like this
Something happening somewhere
Something happening somewhere
Something happening somewhere
Something happening somewhere
You can't start a fire
You can't start a fire without a spark
This gun is for hire
Even if we're just dancing in the dark
You can't start a fire
Sitting around crying over a broken heart
This gun is for hire
Even if we're just dancing in the dark
You can't start a fire
Worrying about your little world falling apart
This gun is for hire
Even if we're just dancing in the dark
---
If blood will flow, when flesh and steel are one
Drying in the colour of the evening sun
Tomorrow's rain will wash the stains away
But something in our minds will always stay.
Perhaps this final act was meant
To clinch a lifetime's argument
That nothing comes from violence, and nothing ever could
For all those born beneath an angry star
Lest we forget how fragile we are.
On and on, the rain will fall
Like tears from a star, like tears from a star
On and on, the rain will say
How fragile we are, how fragile we are
On and on, the rain will fall
Like tears from a star, like tears from a star
On and on, the rain will say
How fragile we are, how fragile we are
How fragile we are, how fragile we are.
Tegan & Sarah, "Dancing in the Dark"; Sting, "Fragile"
minor rant
I am SO sick of being told what to do. And being told repetitively. There is nothing worse than being told the SAME THING TEN TIMES. It doesn't serve any purpose except sheer annoyance, and you end up being less inclined to remember the fact. Grr.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
a reflection
I meant to blog yesterday but I got distracted by a piano, so I'm writing now. I don't actually remember much of what I wanted to write, except that I got rid of another one of my hang-ups, which was pleasing! I'm finally over the whole Melbourne issue, and I'm quite emotionally able to travel there with the boy and meet the friends he made when he went, without feeling terrible about anything that happened to me while he was there and I was here. It's a nice feeling, knowing that I've taken a step forward in "improving" myself.
After that happy-filling moment, I went out to the city for a friend's birthday drinks and then to his friend's surprise engagement party. Was really happy to be with the boy; couldn't be happier. But later on in the evening I got a little down - all because he forgot to introduce me to his friend. How picky am I! However, the situation was that we got to the venue, he found one of his mates and his girlfriend sitting down, we joined them, his mate introduced his girlfriend to my boy, and then that was the end of the introductions. I apologetically introduced myself to the girlfriend and friend, and the conversation resumed. No harm done, just a little embarrassed that's all. Stayed there for a while, then stacked it in front of everybody as I was leaving. Went down on my hands and knees, like a real trashbag. Ironic, because I hadn't had anything to drink while I was there. Felt so miserable because everybody was laughing at me. Ordinarily I might have laughed, but I was already feeling a little down at the time so it just compounded the bad feelings. Oh well, it happens! Let's hope it never happens again :)
Tried to get the bad feelings to go away by walking briskly and holding his hand, but they were hard to let go of. Resulted in a serious discussion and I got upset because I made a fool of myself in front of everybody, he got upset because he'd made me feel bad, and then I felt bad that he felt bad.. etc etc. He's never been one to take criticism well, and I know I criticise everything too much, so I refrain from saying much. I generally take it upon myself to criticise my behaviour and actions, and therefore change myself, while trying to get feedback from people as often as I can. So I guess I expect him to be the same. People are too polite to give you feedback - it generally ends up with people bitching about you behind your back rather than helping you improve by telling you what you're doing wrong - so I find it difficult to get people's honest opinions of me. That's partly why I looked through the emails I think, now that I mention it. I always want to know what people think of me and what they say about me amongst themselves. You know you're doing okay if they're providing a positive image of you to their friends or new acquaintances.
But we're only human. Through the bad experiences we learn and grow together. Hopefully. :)
After that happy-filling moment, I went out to the city for a friend's birthday drinks and then to his friend's surprise engagement party. Was really happy to be with the boy; couldn't be happier. But later on in the evening I got a little down - all because he forgot to introduce me to his friend. How picky am I! However, the situation was that we got to the venue, he found one of his mates and his girlfriend sitting down, we joined them, his mate introduced his girlfriend to my boy, and then that was the end of the introductions. I apologetically introduced myself to the girlfriend and friend, and the conversation resumed. No harm done, just a little embarrassed that's all. Stayed there for a while, then stacked it in front of everybody as I was leaving. Went down on my hands and knees, like a real trashbag. Ironic, because I hadn't had anything to drink while I was there. Felt so miserable because everybody was laughing at me. Ordinarily I might have laughed, but I was already feeling a little down at the time so it just compounded the bad feelings. Oh well, it happens! Let's hope it never happens again :)
Tried to get the bad feelings to go away by walking briskly and holding his hand, but they were hard to let go of. Resulted in a serious discussion and I got upset because I made a fool of myself in front of everybody, he got upset because he'd made me feel bad, and then I felt bad that he felt bad.. etc etc. He's never been one to take criticism well, and I know I criticise everything too much, so I refrain from saying much. I generally take it upon myself to criticise my behaviour and actions, and therefore change myself, while trying to get feedback from people as often as I can. So I guess I expect him to be the same. People are too polite to give you feedback - it generally ends up with people bitching about you behind your back rather than helping you improve by telling you what you're doing wrong - so I find it difficult to get people's honest opinions of me. That's partly why I looked through the emails I think, now that I mention it. I always want to know what people think of me and what they say about me amongst themselves. You know you're doing okay if they're providing a positive image of you to their friends or new acquaintances.
But we're only human. Through the bad experiences we learn and grow together. Hopefully. :)
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
fallen
i wish i was pretty i wish i was fashionable i wish i knew how to dress to impress i wish i knew how to apply make-up i wish i was funny i wish you could be proud to have me on your arm i wish i made people envious of you i wish i didn't feel so intimated by other girls i wish i had a backbone i wish i knew how to draw a crowd i wish i had self-confidence i wish i could trust i wish i could be trusted i wish i knew the art of selfless love i wish you loved me i wish i wasn't so jealous i wish she would drop dead i wish you only very best i wish you were mine i wish i could be yours i wish i could turn back time i wish i'd never hurt you i wish you could forget about it all i wish i didn't have any hang-ups i wish you wouldn't doubt yourself i wish you wouldn't doubt us i wish i'd never looked i wish you'd never taken the trip i wish i could stop the pain i wish for happiness to shine over you i wish you could get him out of your mind i wish i could get her out of mine i wish i could be proud of my life i wish i could cry it all away i wish i was a better person a better lover a better friend i wish i wasn't such a fuck-up i wish i could take the pain away i wish you loved me i wish you loved me i wish you could love again i wish i wish i wish i wish
i'm falling to my knees
i'm dying inside
i am my own demon
i am fallen at your feet
save me please..
i'm falling to my knees
i'm dying inside
i am my own demon
i am fallen at your feet
save me please..
Monday, June 9, 2008
act of self-destruction
You told me you emailed a mate tonight, so in a state of boredom and curiosity I thought I'd look through your email to see whether you'd written anything about me. Nothing in your mail, so I looked through your Facebook inbox instead. Turns out there was no mention of me, so nothing interesting to report. Then I noticed you'd replied to another message thread. You called her 'cutie'. I was fairly surprised; I didn't think you'd give such an endearing term to any other girl. And you talked about your last few weeks, and you mentioned the house for a whole paragraph before you mentioned me, like I was only secondary, and then you made it sound like the time we spent together was civil, as though we weren't falling for each other again. Perhaps I was mistaken about the way you felt. Because I was definitely falling for you. Harder than I've ever fallen before. And then you mentioned that you much prefer Melbourne over Sydney, and how you want to live there. I don't know why reading that makes me upset and annoyed, but it did. I'm in love with you, I can't deny that. I've stopped my unruly ways, I've stopped trying to catch up with other guys on one-on-one terms, even though there's never really been any ill intent behind those catch-ups. I'm happy to share everything with you, but I feel like you're still hiding things from me. People. Emotions. Intent.
Here is my heart. It beats for you. More than ever.
I shouldn't have done it. Curiosity did kill the cat, after all. Feeling remorseful, I shared my key with you, so that you could read my emails, peruse my Facebook. But I did it again. I'm just curious to know more about you, in every possible way. I don't mean any harm with what I do, I'm just naturally inquisitive. You gave me the key, and I unlocked my Pandora's box, and filled my world of love with dark clouds of confusion, and anger, and pain. This was my act of self-destruction. Only you can save me now..
Here is my heart. It beats for you. More than ever.
I shouldn't have done it. Curiosity did kill the cat, after all. Feeling remorseful, I shared my key with you, so that you could read my emails, peruse my Facebook. But I did it again. I'm just curious to know more about you, in every possible way. I don't mean any harm with what I do, I'm just naturally inquisitive. You gave me the key, and I unlocked my Pandora's box, and filled my world of love with dark clouds of confusion, and anger, and pain. This was my act of self-destruction. Only you can save me now..
Saturday, May 31, 2008
unbearable
I want to scream.
I think of you, and I think of the fun you're having, and I think of the girl you're with, even though I know there's nothing going on between you two because she has her own boytoy she's seeing.
Or at least I believe that there's nothing going on between you two.
I think of you, and I think of the fun you're having, and I want to throw my phone at the wall so hard that it breaks with a single throw.
I want to tear it up. Something. Anything.
You bring out a neediness in me that frustrates me. I can't think of anything else until you're back. You distract me even when you're gone. It shits me up the wall.
I just want to break something. My fingers. My head. My heart.
I want to call you. But I have nothing nice to say, except that I miss you and I wish you were here. I fill the conversation gaps with bitter words. You bring out the worst in me. I can't get rid of the pain I'm feeling right now so I can't let you get away.
I call you. And I mope. And I cry.
I can't do anything with you here, and I can't do anything without you here.
I need to talk to somebody about my problem. But my head doesn't seek anybody but you. But you are my problem, so I can't do anything about it.
I can't believe you didn't tell me before I found out.
You fucking dickhead. I hate you for having this effect on me.
I think of you, and I think of the fun you're having, and I think of the girl you're with, even though I know there's nothing going on between you two because she has her own boytoy she's seeing.
Or at least I believe that there's nothing going on between you two.
I think of you, and I think of the fun you're having, and I want to throw my phone at the wall so hard that it breaks with a single throw.
I want to tear it up. Something. Anything.
You bring out a neediness in me that frustrates me. I can't think of anything else until you're back. You distract me even when you're gone. It shits me up the wall.
I just want to break something. My fingers. My head. My heart.
I want to call you. But I have nothing nice to say, except that I miss you and I wish you were here. I fill the conversation gaps with bitter words. You bring out the worst in me. I can't get rid of the pain I'm feeling right now so I can't let you get away.
I call you. And I mope. And I cry.
I can't do anything with you here, and I can't do anything without you here.
I need to talk to somebody about my problem. But my head doesn't seek anybody but you. But you are my problem, so I can't do anything about it.
I can't believe you didn't tell me before I found out.
You fucking dickhead. I hate you for having this effect on me.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Saturday, December 22, 2007
upon a star
When he tries to cheer me up, I wish he would quote John Legend.
When I'm upset, I wish he knew that sometimes, all he needs to say is sorry.
I wish he wasn't such a defensive person.
I wish he would stop pointing out all the things I can't go to.
I wish he was more aware.
I wish I was a better person to him.
When I'm upset, I wish he knew that sometimes, all he needs to say is sorry.
I wish he wasn't such a defensive person.
I wish he would stop pointing out all the things I can't go to.
I wish he was more aware.
I wish I was a better person to him.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
too much love, not enough expression
Cut a long story short, I had a friend pass away from this life, last Friday afternoon.
My mind still hasn't registered the reality of the situation, it's just too abstract to comprehend. Simply, I can't believe that she's actually gone.
And you think about the last time you told somebody you appreciated them and their friendship. I don't think it happens enough. And I think a lot of it is due to the social expectations we've created for ourselves.
It's cool to be a hardass. Not.
I've mentioned this to people and on previous blogs before, but I feel like I have a lot of love to give. What I mean by this is, I really enjoy the company of my friends and colleagues, and sometimes all I want to do is just give them a big hug and let them know how much I love them as a friend. Platonic love. But if I went around constantly hugging people and raving about how awesome I think they are and how much I enjoy spending time with them and chatting with them.. well I think I'd just be creating a weird reputation for myself.
It's ok for me to hug girls because I'm female. But if I hug guys, eventually observers will ask "What's going on between those two?", or "Who does she think she is?" if the guy has a girlfriend.
I think we don't appreciate our friends enough in a verbal sense. Or maybe I just take things too quickly, and I want to tell somebody how awesome I think they are, when I've only just started on getting to know them. But it's the way I am. I meet somebody, and within the first 5 minutes of conversation, or in the following 15 minutes of observation as they continue to socialise throughout the room, I already know whether or not I want to get to know the person better.
I just feel like I 'click' with some people. Most of the time I believe it's a one-way thing, i.e. people usually aren't as interested in me as I am in them. And then I impose myself on them (hopefully in a nice way) - I make an effort to visit their workspace, I take an interest in what they're interested in, provided it's a common interest between the two of us, and so on and so forth.
Something I really enjoy is sharing stories with people and listening to their own stories. You can learn so much from others, if you just take the time to sit down and ask the right questions or be patient for them to open up to you in time.
There are so many people whom I wish I knew better. I'm more than happy to let them know that I think they're really cool people, and I enjoy spending time with them, but if they don't know me that well, they're just going to think I'm a weirdo. Oh well, hasn't stopped me before.
I'm glad for the little things I have. The conversations, the arm around the shoulder, the pat on the back, the hug, the smile, the wave.. it's just those little things that make my life happier. There's nothing better than feeling the bond grow stronger between yourself and somebody whose company you appreciate very much.
My mind still hasn't registered the reality of the situation, it's just too abstract to comprehend. Simply, I can't believe that she's actually gone.
And you think about the last time you told somebody you appreciated them and their friendship. I don't think it happens enough. And I think a lot of it is due to the social expectations we've created for ourselves.
It's cool to be a hardass. Not.
I've mentioned this to people and on previous blogs before, but I feel like I have a lot of love to give. What I mean by this is, I really enjoy the company of my friends and colleagues, and sometimes all I want to do is just give them a big hug and let them know how much I love them as a friend. Platonic love. But if I went around constantly hugging people and raving about how awesome I think they are and how much I enjoy spending time with them and chatting with them.. well I think I'd just be creating a weird reputation for myself.
It's ok for me to hug girls because I'm female. But if I hug guys, eventually observers will ask "What's going on between those two?", or "Who does she think she is?" if the guy has a girlfriend.
I think we don't appreciate our friends enough in a verbal sense. Or maybe I just take things too quickly, and I want to tell somebody how awesome I think they are, when I've only just started on getting to know them. But it's the way I am. I meet somebody, and within the first 5 minutes of conversation, or in the following 15 minutes of observation as they continue to socialise throughout the room, I already know whether or not I want to get to know the person better.
I just feel like I 'click' with some people. Most of the time I believe it's a one-way thing, i.e. people usually aren't as interested in me as I am in them. And then I impose myself on them (hopefully in a nice way) - I make an effort to visit their workspace, I take an interest in what they're interested in, provided it's a common interest between the two of us, and so on and so forth.
Something I really enjoy is sharing stories with people and listening to their own stories. You can learn so much from others, if you just take the time to sit down and ask the right questions or be patient for them to open up to you in time.
There are so many people whom I wish I knew better. I'm more than happy to let them know that I think they're really cool people, and I enjoy spending time with them, but if they don't know me that well, they're just going to think I'm a weirdo. Oh well, hasn't stopped me before.
I'm glad for the little things I have. The conversations, the arm around the shoulder, the pat on the back, the hug, the smile, the wave.. it's just those little things that make my life happier. There's nothing better than feeling the bond grow stronger between yourself and somebody whose company you appreciate very much.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
un-borat, un-sexy times
I feel ugly.
I'm going through an ugly phase right now. It lasts maybe a week or two, sometimes less. But during this time I basically feel yuck. Like today. I felt like wearing a paper bag over my head, or not going out until I felt like I look better.. but when you've got a full-time job that's not really an option. And I don't wear make-up so it's not like I can paint a mask over my face.
I hate feeling ugly. I wish I had better skin and better habits.
I'm going through an ugly phase right now. It lasts maybe a week or two, sometimes less. But during this time I basically feel yuck. Like today. I felt like wearing a paper bag over my head, or not going out until I felt like I look better.. but when you've got a full-time job that's not really an option. And I don't wear make-up so it's not like I can paint a mask over my face.
I hate feeling ugly. I wish I had better skin and better habits.
Saturday, November 3, 2007
it's time, once again..
..to save me from myself.
Sometimes I get stuck.
I want to send you a message telling you just how much you're annoying me, or that I hate you, or that I just don't think I'm right for you.
Then I think, no, I don't want to waste a text on that, so then I think about sending you an email. But then I want you to read the email before you call me, but that doesn't work if you're not going to be at home when you call, so I can't do that either. At which point I flick back to the text. Then the email. And so on, and so forth, to the point where I just get so angry that I want to throw something against the wall, and I just can't get anything done, least of all study, because I need to resolve this inner conflict that I have with you.
But you've been through such a rough patch lately, I don't want to tell you how much you're making me dislike you right now.
I don't believe you anymore when you say you'll try to change your ways. Because you "try" for a few hours and the next time I see you, we've forgotten about it. But it's like that proverbial stone. You think it's all going well, when really that stone's just sitting there gathering that dirty moss that eventually gets scrubbed off with a lot of badmouthing and anger and hate.
At this point I would ask, why do you make me do this, but I don't really see how I can point the finger at you entirely (and yet it would be so easy to do that), because it's not as though you're deliberately trying to get on my nerves. But damn, you're really good at it sometimes.
I swear that since you've entered my life, I've had more mood swings than ever before. Especially towards you.
You wonder why we've been to the edge and back so many times. I think it's because I know that in the long run, something's going to give, and I'm going to find the right person, and you're going to find the right person, and then it will be game over, thanks for playing.
---
Man, I'm so bad with personal relationships. Friendships are so much easier. Love is a drug, once taken, forever addicted. You end up in a spiral of "serious" relationships, multiple rebounds, and if you lose, you come out of the game feeling much older and more empty than ever. There's a lot to be gained in love, but there's a lot to be lost as well. The platonic love of friendship, or that exciting period of "hope" where there's a chemistry between friends, but neither will act before the other, I think that's where you can derive the most fun.
---
Sooner or later I'll brighten up.
----------------
Now playing: Chris Hawkes - Falling Into Doubt
Sometimes I get stuck.
I want to send you a message telling you just how much you're annoying me, or that I hate you, or that I just don't think I'm right for you.
Then I think, no, I don't want to waste a text on that, so then I think about sending you an email. But then I want you to read the email before you call me, but that doesn't work if you're not going to be at home when you call, so I can't do that either. At which point I flick back to the text. Then the email. And so on, and so forth, to the point where I just get so angry that I want to throw something against the wall, and I just can't get anything done, least of all study, because I need to resolve this inner conflict that I have with you.
But you've been through such a rough patch lately, I don't want to tell you how much you're making me dislike you right now.
I don't believe you anymore when you say you'll try to change your ways. Because you "try" for a few hours and the next time I see you, we've forgotten about it. But it's like that proverbial stone. You think it's all going well, when really that stone's just sitting there gathering that dirty moss that eventually gets scrubbed off with a lot of badmouthing and anger and hate.
At this point I would ask, why do you make me do this, but I don't really see how I can point the finger at you entirely (and yet it would be so easy to do that), because it's not as though you're deliberately trying to get on my nerves. But damn, you're really good at it sometimes.
I swear that since you've entered my life, I've had more mood swings than ever before. Especially towards you.
You wonder why we've been to the edge and back so many times. I think it's because I know that in the long run, something's going to give, and I'm going to find the right person, and you're going to find the right person, and then it will be game over, thanks for playing.
---
Man, I'm so bad with personal relationships. Friendships are so much easier. Love is a drug, once taken, forever addicted. You end up in a spiral of "serious" relationships, multiple rebounds, and if you lose, you come out of the game feeling much older and more empty than ever. There's a lot to be gained in love, but there's a lot to be lost as well. The platonic love of friendship, or that exciting period of "hope" where there's a chemistry between friends, but neither will act before the other, I think that's where you can derive the most fun.
---
Sooner or later I'll brighten up.
----------------
Now playing: Chris Hawkes - Falling Into Doubt
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)