feeling a little flat about myself and the world

I get up in the evening
And I ain't got nothing to say
I come home in the morning
I go to bed feeling the same way
I ain't nothing but tired
I'm just tired and bored with myself
Hey there baby I could use just a little help

You can't start a fire
You can't start a fire without a spark
This gun is for hire
Even if we're just dancing in the dark

Message keeps getting clearer
Radio's on and I'm moving 'round my place
Check my look in the mirror
Wanna change my hair, my clothes, my face
I ain't getting nowhere sleeping in a dump like this
Something happening somewhere
Something happening somewhere
Something happening somewhere
Something happening somewhere

You can't start a fire
You can't start a fire without a spark
This gun is for hire
Even if we're just dancing in the dark

You can't start a fire
Sitting around crying over a broken heart
This gun is for hire
Even if we're just dancing in the dark

You can't start a fire
Worrying about your little world falling apart
This gun is for hire
Even if we're just dancing in the dark

---

If blood will flow, when flesh and steel are one
Drying in the colour of the evening sun
Tomorrow's rain will wash the stains away
But something in our minds will always stay.

Perhaps this final act was meant
To clinch a lifetime's argument
That nothing comes from violence, and nothing ever could

For all those born beneath an angry star
Lest we forget how fragile we are.

On and on, the rain will fall
Like tears from a star, like tears from a star
On and on, the rain will say
How fragile we are, how fragile we are

On and on, the rain will fall
Like tears from a star, like tears from a star
On and on, the rain will say
How fragile we are, how fragile we are


How fragile we are, how fragile we are.



Tegan & Sarah, "Dancing in the Dark"; Sting, "Fragile"

right now..

I love singing. Especially a capella.

I want to watch The Silence of Sleep again.

I haven't played piano properly in a while.

I haven't played the saxophone since 2005.

I miss my musicality.

I miss Sukari Matunda.

minor rant

I am SO sick of being told what to do. And being told repetitively. There is nothing worse than being told the SAME THING TEN TIMES. It doesn't serve any purpose except sheer annoyance, and you end up being less inclined to remember the fact. Grr.

beautiful creativity

The Science of Sleep is a beautiful movie. Magical. I'm not sure if it was meant to be a comedy - the actors seem to speak about the humorous nature of the film - but there were moments in this film where I cried tears of emotion, not of laughter. I'm glad I watched it by myself. It reached into me in a way it could have done only when I was alone. I was enchanted by it. I still am.

It is so easy to fall in love with Stephane's innocence and absurdity, and Stephanie's understanding and generosity - Gael Garcia Bernal and Charlotte Gainsbourg make an excellent pair in this film. Not to mention their looks are enchanting also.

Earlier in the evening I turned off my phone because I was exhausted, and I also didn't want to be contacted during the movie. Of course I turned the phone on numerous times towards the end. Unfortunately I received a text message at the wrong time, and all I felt was pain. The movie had me hurting enough as it was; he went and made it worse. So I cried some more.

Luckily there are extras on this DVD; they've got me feeling better and it looks like I won't be crying myself to sleep tonight as I originally thought.

The film made me realise again, I love hearing the French language. I like that I can only understand a word here and a word there. I'm in love with the sound.

The Science of Sleep moved me like Amelie moved me, but in a different way. If that makes sense. I have discovered a new favourite.

chrysalis

I'm on my way.

We're on our way.

Sometimes it's tough.


But


the best thing about it is,

through it all

I still love him.

----------------
Now playing: Priscilla Ahn - Masters In China

a reflection

I meant to blog yesterday but I got distracted by a piano, so I'm writing now. I don't actually remember much of what I wanted to write, except that I got rid of another one of my hang-ups, which was pleasing! I'm finally over the whole Melbourne issue, and I'm quite emotionally able to travel there with the boy and meet the friends he made when he went, without feeling terrible about anything that happened to me while he was there and I was here. It's a nice feeling, knowing that I've taken a step forward in "improving" myself.

After that happy-filling moment, I went out to the city for a friend's birthday drinks and then to his friend's surprise engagement party. Was really happy to be with the boy; couldn't be happier. But later on in the evening I got a little down - all because he forgot to introduce me to his friend. How picky am I! However, the situation was that we got to the venue, he found one of his mates and his girlfriend sitting down, we joined them, his mate introduced his girlfriend to my boy, and then that was the end of the introductions. I apologetically introduced myself to the girlfriend and friend, and the conversation resumed. No harm done, just a little embarrassed that's all. Stayed there for a while, then stacked it in front of everybody as I was leaving. Went down on my hands and knees, like a real trashbag. Ironic, because I hadn't had anything to drink while I was there. Felt so miserable because everybody was laughing at me. Ordinarily I might have laughed, but I was already feeling a little down at the time so it just compounded the bad feelings. Oh well, it happens! Let's hope it never happens again :)

Tried to get the bad feelings to go away by walking briskly and holding his hand, but they were hard to let go of. Resulted in a serious discussion and I got upset because I made a fool of myself in front of everybody, he got upset because he'd made me feel bad, and then I felt bad that he felt bad.. etc etc. He's never been one to take criticism well, and I know I criticise everything too much, so I refrain from saying much. I generally take it upon myself to criticise my behaviour and actions, and therefore change myself, while trying to get feedback from people as often as I can. So I guess I expect him to be the same. People are too polite to give you feedback - it generally ends up with people bitching about you behind your back rather than helping you improve by telling you what you're doing wrong - so I find it difficult to get people's honest opinions of me. That's partly why I looked through the emails I think, now that I mention it. I always want to know what people think of me and what they say about me amongst themselves. You know you're doing okay if they're providing a positive image of you to their friends or new acquaintances.

But we're only human. Through the bad experiences we learn and grow together. Hopefully. :)

finally!

Finally starting to feel happy about myself, from the inside out. I'm beginning to reconcile with people in my head, and shedding the bitterness and jealousy and evil feelings that I've grown used to over the months. How ridiculous, that I had so many ill feelings towards people! Life is not about bearing grudges. Life is about meeting people, making friends, and sharing laughs together.

Changing, one step at a time. Making me a happier me. :)

(Thank you Priscilla Ahn (Album: A Good Day) and Jamie Lidell (Album: Jim)for the happiness-inspiring music)

spoilt

I wish I wasn't so immature.

Siblings would have helped.

fallen

i wish i was pretty i wish i was fashionable i wish i knew how to dress to impress i wish i knew how to apply make-up i wish i was funny i wish you could be proud to have me on your arm i wish i made people envious of you i wish i didn't feel so intimated by other girls i wish i had a backbone i wish i knew how to draw a crowd i wish i had self-confidence i wish i could trust i wish i could be trusted i wish i knew the art of selfless love i wish you loved me i wish i wasn't so jealous i wish she would drop dead i wish you only very best i wish you were mine i wish i could be yours i wish i could turn back time i wish i'd never hurt you i wish you could forget about it all i wish i didn't have any hang-ups i wish you wouldn't doubt yourself i wish you wouldn't doubt us i wish i'd never looked i wish you'd never taken the trip i wish i could stop the pain i wish for happiness to shine over you i wish you could get him out of your mind i wish i could get her out of mine i wish i could be proud of my life i wish i could cry it all away i wish i was a better person a better lover a better friend i wish i wasn't such a fuck-up i wish i could take the pain away i wish you loved me i wish you loved me i wish you could love again i wish i wish i wish i wish


i'm falling to my knees

i'm dying inside

i am my own demon

i am fallen at your feet

save me please..

sigh..

..I'm in love :)

act of self-destruction

You told me you emailed a mate tonight, so in a state of boredom and curiosity I thought I'd look through your email to see whether you'd written anything about me. Nothing in your mail, so I looked through your Facebook inbox instead. Turns out there was no mention of me, so nothing interesting to report. Then I noticed you'd replied to another message thread. You called her 'cutie'. I was fairly surprised; I didn't think you'd give such an endearing term to any other girl. And you talked about your last few weeks, and you mentioned the house for a whole paragraph before you mentioned me, like I was only secondary, and then you made it sound like the time we spent together was civil, as though we weren't falling for each other again. Perhaps I was mistaken about the way you felt. Because I was definitely falling for you. Harder than I've ever fallen before. And then you mentioned that you much prefer Melbourne over Sydney, and how you want to live there. I don't know why reading that makes me upset and annoyed, but it did. I'm in love with you, I can't deny that. I've stopped my unruly ways, I've stopped trying to catch up with other guys on one-on-one terms, even though there's never really been any ill intent behind those catch-ups. I'm happy to share everything with you, but I feel like you're still hiding things from me. People. Emotions. Intent.

Here is my heart. It beats for you. More than ever.

I shouldn't have done it. Curiosity did kill the cat, after all. Feeling remorseful, I shared my key with you, so that you could read my emails, peruse my Facebook. But I did it again. I'm just curious to know more about you, in every possible way. I don't mean any harm with what I do, I'm just naturally inquisitive. You gave me the key, and I unlocked my Pandora's box, and filled my world of love with dark clouds of confusion, and anger, and pain. This was my act of self-destruction. Only you can save me now..