crazy monday!

Yesterday was one of those days where it feels like everything, really EVERYTHING is going on and you have so much in your to-do pile that it looks like a mess in your head. But the great thing about yesterday's nuttiness was that it energized me in an excited, happy way. I got so flustered at one point that I was shaking with adrenalin/nervous energy.

what's in a...

Charlotte is a beautiful name.

just ducky

What did one stressed duck say to the other?


"I think I'm going to quack!"


... I made that one myself :)

EPIC weekend.

I'm in dire need of sleep (ironically my skin looks much better than it's been for a while! It's nice to feel good about my face ONCE in a while), so I'm going to write dot points and elaborate (read: edit) later.

Friday
- End of exams
- Pre-dinner dessert @ Passionflower
- Dinner @ SeoulRia for a Trainee reunion, followed by karaoke at Redbox
- Caught up with my bf at another friend's birthday dinner, which was then followed by karaoke at Redbox

Saturday
- Woke up @ 11am; out of the house by 12 for golf practice
- Rush back home and get ready to go out
- Hot & Spicy KFC for dinner
- Ladysmith Black Mambazo concert: Got to dance on stage with the singers & shake Joseph Shabalala's hand :)
- Sleepover at May's place: Tried to watch The Aristocats and make jewellery but only partly succeeded on both accounts
- NOT ENOUGH SLEEP

Sunday
- Damn dryer invaded my sleep and dreams!
- Brisk morning walk to Maccas to buy breakfast for everybody
- Attended a singing workshop with The Idea Of North: Learnt more about the vocal chords and colours in music. Short workshop but REALLY worth it.
- Sydney Trapeze School: Learned how to do some cool moves on the trapeze!
- Golf practice and got lots of socks
- Attempted for early night sleep but it's already 10.30, sigh!

just before midnight.

Tired because I've been trying to do my tax assignment for most of the day. Just before I hit the metaphorical hay, I thought I had better post my angel card divinations from the last two days at work:

Thursday
- Emerging
- Daniel: "I am the Angel of Marriage, and I am assisting you right now."
- Aeracura: Blossoming. "You are just getting started, so have patience with yourself and the process, and do not give up."
- Positive Expectations

Well I'm not getting married anytime soon, but I did find out the next day that a couple we know got engaged on Tuesday.. so maybe I was tapping into that somehow. The other cards I took as positive signs for the weekend ahead, as I've been stressed about the tax assignment and its completion.

Friday
- Azure: "Your desired outcome will occur in the very near future. Have patience and faith, and don't try to force it to happen."
- Athena: Inner Wisdom. "You know what to do. Trust your inner wisdom, and take appropriate action without delay."
- Friendship
- Make Music

Oddly enough I haven't made any music yet - unless you count the rapping I've been doing the last couple of nights. I've been trying to learn the rap parts from two favourite songs of mine - Turn Your Lights Down Low by Lauryn Hill feat. Bob Marley and Got Til Its Gone by Janet Jackson feat. Q-Tip - and I also discovered that I know almost all of the rap to another favourite song (I thought I only knew a couple of lines), Rock the House by Gorillaz, once I heard the song playing on iTunes.

Anyways, time for some sleep so I can finish off my tax assignment tomorrow. Can't wait until it's all done!

just a couple of things i've been thinking about

My dream life (or at least the aspects I've thought about so far):

- I will live in a moderately spacious apartment or town house, ie. somewhere in a complex, because it makes me feel safer than just being in a house;
- The house will let in a lot of natural light, especially the bedroom so I can wake up with the sun;
- I might have one or two pets - dogs and/or cats;
- The house will have a good sound system;
- I will be able to host occasional dinner parties or games nights at my place, so I can catch up with my friends on a regular basis;
- I will have a large comfortable sofa that is great for snuggling and cuddling :)

Things I appreciate in people, and also in a relationship (in no particular order):

- Musical & artistic creativity
- Sportiness
- Inner strength
- An appreciation of the natural world, the flora and fauna
- A willingness to listen to and learn from others
- A thirst for all kinds of knowledge
- A deep interest in world cultures
- Tact & awareness, generally being alert of one's surroundings
- The ability to laugh at yourself as well as others
- Openness, including a natural inclination to share, or "show and tell"
- Humility
- Patience
- Understanding
- Energy
- Gratitude
- Acceptance (being non-judgmental)
- A natural generosity towards others, friends and strangers alike
- The desire to self-improvement
- Level-headedness
- A good sense of humour
- Honesty

Even I don't have all of the above. But maybe I'll get there one day..

extremely excited / a quick reflection

Just then I ordered a super deluxe package of the new Dave Matthews Band album Big Whiskey & the Groogrux King (such a strange name, yet SO awesome), which means everything will arrive in a special box which includes the album itself, a 2nd CD with 4 extra tracks, a DVD, a 40-page Photo book, 14 lithographs featuring the drawings/artwork by Dave Matthews and a 24-page photo booklet.

I also recently purchased tickets to see Ladysmith Black Mambazo live at the State Theatre at the end of June. I've never seen them performing live before, so I'm looking forward to this concert. They've been around for such a long time now, i.e. over 20 years. It'll be unreal.

I'll be taking my boyfriend along, but I don't know how much he'll enjoy it. We've been to a number of concerts lately, and each performance was by artists that I really respect and adore, so he wasn't really as excited as I was. Fair enough - it's always harder to be equally excited as somebody else when it's not your thing. But as a result, I felt as though I wasn't able to fully enjoy the experience because he was either bothered by something/somebody there, or I'd look back at him and he'd have an unimpressed look on his face. But I can't blame him for his expression - I'm probably the same when I'm listening to music. Unless you're in an extended state of sheer excitement and happiness, it's hard to look happy while you're concentrating on something else, such as watching the performers.

Take for instance the Ben Harper concert we recently went to. I know I wasn't smiling for a lot of the show, and I kept looking at certain people around me, to see what their reactions were. Looking back, I feel like I wasted the experience a bit because I kept looking at other people. And then my brain would wake up and tell me "Ben Harper's right in front of you". with that thought, the excitement would begin to seep through my mind again, and a smile would spread itself across my face.

I can't believe I saw Ben Harper live.

Oh man.

:)

But back to my original reason for posting. The two recent musical purchases have each cost me over $100. And I don't like to spend a lot of money these days, so I don't know what compelled me to make those purchases. I can say with confidence though, when it comes to these kinds of things I am usually faced with two extreme opinions: Completely forget about the item altogether and be perfectly okay with not having bought it, or be fully committed to the item and buy it with little to no regard of the cost. When I'm fully committed, I am 100% sure about the purchase and I really enjoy the experience that the item provides, through and through.

I like the fact that I can do that - I cherish every [relatively expensive] item I purchase with a sense of love and gratefulness. I don't ever want to become a person who gets used to being able to buy expensive things, and fills their life with such goods. I doubt I'll ever have the capacity to do that anyway, but living life with lots of thankful thoughts makes everything feel much better and more positive.

I'm currently listening to the new Ben Harper album White Lies for Dark Times online. The whole album is being streamed on Myspace before its release in early May, and it is definitely a great set of tracks. One of the songs sounds A LOT like the Paul Winn Band which I think is kind of cool! I should probably do an album review later..

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So far, I think my life can be summed up like this:

1988-1992: The Hazy Years or The Photographic Years (because I hardly remember anything from this period, and my memory is stimulated by the plethora of photo albums)

1993-1999: The Primary School Years

2000-2005: The High School Years

2006: the Year of Work & Uni

2007: the Year of Much Doubt

2008: the Year of Life-Changing Relationship Mistakes

And so far, 2009 has been the Year of New Friends and Musical Experiences.

---

Life's crazy. It's too short, but there's so much time that gets wasted too.

But you know what the best thing about life is?

Music.

today's angel cards

- Astara: "You deserve the best! Reach for the stars with your dreams and desires, and don't compromise!"

- Maat: Fairness. "This situation will be handled in a fair and just manner."

- Feeling Safe

- Abundance


What does this all mean? Perhaps I should believe in myself more, and have faith that things will right themselves. Who knows.

Today I was listening to John Legend's first album "Get Lifted". It is definitely a fantastic album full of good beats and melodies. I used to be obsessed about the album, and having not heard the album for a long time now, today I remembered why. His second album "Once Again" is quite good too, but it has a completely different feel. I haven't really listened properly to his third album "Evolver", but from what I recall it's a lot clubbier. Nowhere near as impressive as the first record.

today's angel cards

I haven't done angel cards in ages. Admittedly I haven't worked at ISIS for a long time either.

Today I picked out the following cards:

- Intention

- Stand Your Ground

- Green Tara: Start Delegating. "Ask others (including me) to help you, instead of trying to do everything by yourself."

- Crystal: "Have faith and hope, because there is something positive and new on the horizon that you can't yet see."

I always find it bizarre how the cards seem to feel accurate for my current position in life.

Currently listening to: His Eye is on the Sparrow, performed by Tanya Blount & Lauryn Hill in Sister Act 2. Such an uplifting rendition.

last night..

..I couldn't sleep, so I plugged myself into some Dave Matthews & Tim Reynolds on my phone's Walkman.

As a result I kept waking up periodically throughout the night to random songs from the Live at Radio City album. I also woke up earlier than what has been usual recently. (Apologies for terrible grammar of previous sentence.)

Despite this, I appear to have slept well. No dreams to tire me out, and I don't feel tired right now. That said, I am also enjoying the relative silence of my room after a night's worth of music.

On a musical tangent, towards the end of last night I was listening to Tiken Jah Fakoly. What a great band! I recommend them if you're into the ska/reggae style of sound.

a brief catch-up.

Referring to my previous post, I remember the incident but I have no recollection of the dream I had. Must have been a good one.

Some things that have happened since I last wrote:

- I vowed to cease all attempts at communication with a person who once used to be my closest confidant. I'm so detached now that it doesn't bother me at all, and I prefer not to think about it. Previously this would not have been in my character - I hate losing contact with people and I don't like to hate people either. But life changes, and so do you, and decisions must be made. So I'm not going to bother with trying to contact him ever again. The day for change will be if he ever tries to get in touch with me first. I doubt he'll ever bother.

- On the bright side, I made a new friend recently who I really enjoy talking to. We seem to have a lot in common, but we also have different interests which keeps the conversations filled with variety. I think the best thing is that he writes as much as I do.. I don't know anybody else that can do that on a regular basis!

- I've started talking to an old friend more often than I have in the last couple of years. Ironically while he's overseas! But it's good. Things can only get better from here.

- I turned 21. I still don't think of myself as being 21 - I don't attribute myself with any particular age. I just am. Yes it all sounds very philosophical and what-not, but I feel like I'm constantly doing something, and I haven't had the time (or maybe I just haven't given myself the time) to think about being 21 and what that means. Apparently I'm now well and truly an adult - that's scary.

- I feel secure and happy in my relationship. I've never felt so content and at ease about this before. But these days I feel love, and yet I feel so helpless at the same time. My boyfriend seems to be going through a rough patch.. and it feels like it's lasted for months. It bothers me that I can't seem to cheer him up enough for him to try and take a more positive approach to it all. Strangely it reminds me of the person I think I used to be, and the reason I've changed now is because I don't give myself time to dwell on the bad stuff. Either that or I contemplate it so much that I desensitize myself and am able handle the problem better.

- I've started reading on a regular basis again. I can't express how this makes me feel, but it's a lovely feeling to lose yourself in a book that you really enjoy.


Emotions are confusing sometimes, and love can be trying. But when you're loyal, you're loyal. You block out everything else, for better or for worse, and you're in it for the long haul. Perhaps an unromantic way of saying "I love you", but there, I said it.

Changes

I'm one of those people who like to write new year's resolutions occasionally and then promptly forget about them within the first couple of weeks. Not because I want to, it's just that I go through so much self-reflection most days of the year that I have plenty of other self-improvements to think about.

Lately I've noticed a few changes to my daily or weekly habits though, which has been interesting and quite pleasing too. The biggest change is that I've started reading books again, and on a regular basis. Last year I would pick up a book, read it a few times, and then leave it on the shelf for a month or more. Then I got really stuck into Nelson Mandela's "A Long Walk To Freedom" - I read it at every opportunity and managed to finish it before the new year - and I also finished off Ernesto (a.k.a. "Che") Guevara's "The Motorcycle Diaries". Both books made me realise that if I ever want to change the world, I will need to have a good knowledge of law, and a great understanding of the people - and it made me seriously consider the option of pursuing a post-graduate degree in law. For someone who's been trying to get rid of all their legal subjects at uni as painlessly as possible, this is a complete turnaround! But the consideration of a post-grad law degree is another story altogether.

I digress! Now I am currently reading another two books - "Swahili for the Broken-Hearted" by Peter Moore, and "Musicophilia: Tales of Music and the Brian" by Oliver Sacks. The first is a humorous travel diary of sorts - the author starts in South Africa and ends in Cairo, and the narration has an Aussie taste to it (I enjoy the references to Darling Harbour et al, it makes me feel like I'm sharing an in-joke with the author where foreign readers might not). The latter is completely different, focusing on neuroscience and relating tales and cases of people with neurological conditions I've never heard of, with prescriptions of medications that only a Med student might know of. Some of it's over my head, but the stories themselves are quite fascinating and make you wonder at the kind of influence music has on the human brain and perceptions, etc. Once I've finished these two books (I hope to be done by the end of the month at the latest), I'll continue to go through the rest of the books on my shelf that I bought years ago and still haven't read.

Realising that I was reading more frequently has also made me notice just how much reading of other material I've been doing, notably through Google Reader. I've recently signed up to a bundle of psychology blogs, I follow a number of preferred music blogs, and I also read a few friends' blogs - this probably takes up a good chunk of my time during the week.

However I've also noted a distinct lack or decline in an area of my life that used to be all-consuming - musical performance. I no longer play the piano every couple of days - it might be once a week if I'm lucky - and I probably sing even less than that. I truly believe that the quality of my singing and my singing voice is probably now at maybe 40-50% of what it used to be in high school, and it's such a depressing thought that I don't think about it at all if I can help it. But I had this epiphany in the shower last night, and I am hoping to make amends. The irony of it all is that I have more instruments in my house than I've ever had, with Lex lending me his alto sax and his bass guitar!

So if I have a new year's resolution this year - and let's just make it one, because I'd forget any more - it will be to get back into playing music, not just listening to it. How do I propose to change this? Perhaps a bit less blog reading. Definitely devoting more time to myself, i.e. spending less time trying to call the boy when he's busy playing PS3/pool/poker because I'm just disturbing him anyway. Less FB-ing.

Writing all this has brought me to another realisation - I'm not sporty anymore - and most likely becoming quite unfit! I haven't gained any additional weight as a result, but I'm sure a lot of my muscle (not that I had much to begin with) has relaxed into fat. I have great plans in my head that this will all change once the uni semester begins again and I buy a gym membership at Unigym. But until then, I should at least be stretching in my room on a regular basis! I used to do it a lot but then something changed and the routine was lost. Funny how habits fade in and fade out like that.

So - in summary?
More reading. More music playing. More exercise!

boredom posts

Two exams down, two to go. I'm almost there. Today's effort wasn't the best - in some ways it was better than expected, in other ways it wasn't what I'd hoped. But that's just how it is with exams.. a bit of knowledge, and a bit of luck.. combine the two and I'm hoping for a pass!

Agreed to study for the next exam with a friend, so just waiting for her to finish the exam and making the most of my idle time by blogging. Perhaps not the most appropriate use of spare time during exams, but even this is more productive than how I've spent my other days..

Pretty excited that Barack Obama is going to be the 44th President of the United States. I hope that the US and the rest of the world becomes a better place with his assistance. I don't actually know much about his policies but I think over the coming years I'll follow the news more because  I'm interested in seeing what he does.

---

Been exhausted all day. I'm unreceptive; his jokes aren't as funny, his stories not as interesting. So tired and flushed with heat, I don't have the energy to look happy. He takes it personally - he becomes unsettled because he can't seem to make me happy. Truth is he doesn't have to try. Just seeing him and walking beside him, I feel content, relieved, at ease. I try and be perkier; now he's tired and unresponsive. An odd yin and yang.

tomorrow's forecast

I check the Bureau of Meteorology's website on a regular basis now, because they seem to be doing an alright job at predicting the weather, and I never know what's in store the next day unless I check their forecast.

Tomorrow is predicted to be 36 degrees Celsius, and their summary description was

"Hot.*"

I had to laugh :)

(*They also wrote "Chance late shower/storm" afterwards, but the first comment sounded so Captain Obvious-like when I read it!)

P.S. They also have a cool section on Indigenous weather forecasting, which I only noticed today. Haven't had a proper chance to look at it yet, but sounds like it's a new project they're working on. Interesting stuff!

there must be too many words in the English language

What kind of a word is "limn"?!

It's like they ran out of letter combinations!

I mean, I appreciate the history of the word, ie. its roots, but its form as of today is a bit too random for my liking..

tidy inbox = clear mind

There's something really satisfying about going through your email and/or phone inbox and deleting old emails/messages. Every now and again I will purge all messages from my phone, both sent and received. I usually do it when I want to rid myself of whatever emotions I'm feeling at the time, and I feel refreshed/can start anew.

Right now, I'm making an effort to get rid of all the shit in my email. I consolidated my two gmail accounts many weeks ago, and now I am going through and doing the occasional clean up.

Yes it's a form of procrastination, but it's also an effort to keep all my correspondence organised so I know where everything is. An email account is just like having a stack of letters on your desk - you should get rid of all the crap you no longer need, because it's a waste of space.. the only difference is that people generally don't feel the need to clean up their emails because it's online and not actually taking up any physical space. And with email accounts having more space nowadays, there's hardly any chance that you'll run out of megabytes, so again there's less motivation for a clean-up.

Edit (10.22pm): I'm also unsubscribing from websites (et al) that I don't use or haven't used for a long time. It's easy to just delete the emails that occasionally grace your inbox, but I'd prefer to remove my personal details from random websites instead. I mean, you wouldn't randomly leave your phone number and address lying around on the ground in real life, so why would you do that to yourself on the World Wide Web?

what a week!

And it's not over yet (unless you're one of those people who believe Sunday is the first day of the week. Imagine if the actual first day of the week was like, Friday. That would mess with people's minds.)!

I'm so very tired - tomorrow will be no exception - but there's so much to write about. I'll just mention what I've been up to.

Went to the gym on Tuesday. Went to uni on Tuesday and Wednesday (during uni HOLIDAYS! Can't they just give us less work). Lan & I visited Taronga Zoo on Thursday, which was lots of fun! Would love to go again :) And last night I attended Dani & Zhi Wen's joint 21st, which was also lots of fun.

It feels like I've been going non-stop all week.. managed to sleep in until midday today which was much-needed. But I have to be up by 6.30am tomorrow so I think I'll take an early night tonight as well.. golf at 7.40am.. what a struggle..

this post is ironic..

..but, why am I so verbose?

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In other ponderments - why is it always harder to get down from someplace that you've climbed up?

Game-ban: Success!

Day 10 is now officially over, and I have successfully avoided all the games I wanted to avoid. Awesome! Admittedly I have been thinking about Gostop a lot. However I think I won't play it straightaway, I'll give it a few days if not longer - I have lots to do with my time anyway.

Game-ban: Day 8

Doing ok!

Played poker and pool at a pub instead. Beats staring at a computer screen!