a reflection

I meant to blog yesterday but I got distracted by a piano, so I'm writing now. I don't actually remember much of what I wanted to write, except that I got rid of another one of my hang-ups, which was pleasing! I'm finally over the whole Melbourne issue, and I'm quite emotionally able to travel there with the boy and meet the friends he made when he went, without feeling terrible about anything that happened to me while he was there and I was here. It's a nice feeling, knowing that I've taken a step forward in "improving" myself.

After that happy-filling moment, I went out to the city for a friend's birthday drinks and then to his friend's surprise engagement party. Was really happy to be with the boy; couldn't be happier. But later on in the evening I got a little down - all because he forgot to introduce me to his friend. How picky am I! However, the situation was that we got to the venue, he found one of his mates and his girlfriend sitting down, we joined them, his mate introduced his girlfriend to my boy, and then that was the end of the introductions. I apologetically introduced myself to the girlfriend and friend, and the conversation resumed. No harm done, just a little embarrassed that's all. Stayed there for a while, then stacked it in front of everybody as I was leaving. Went down on my hands and knees, like a real trashbag. Ironic, because I hadn't had anything to drink while I was there. Felt so miserable because everybody was laughing at me. Ordinarily I might have laughed, but I was already feeling a little down at the time so it just compounded the bad feelings. Oh well, it happens! Let's hope it never happens again :)

Tried to get the bad feelings to go away by walking briskly and holding his hand, but they were hard to let go of. Resulted in a serious discussion and I got upset because I made a fool of myself in front of everybody, he got upset because he'd made me feel bad, and then I felt bad that he felt bad.. etc etc. He's never been one to take criticism well, and I know I criticise everything too much, so I refrain from saying much. I generally take it upon myself to criticise my behaviour and actions, and therefore change myself, while trying to get feedback from people as often as I can. So I guess I expect him to be the same. People are too polite to give you feedback - it generally ends up with people bitching about you behind your back rather than helping you improve by telling you what you're doing wrong - so I find it difficult to get people's honest opinions of me. That's partly why I looked through the emails I think, now that I mention it. I always want to know what people think of me and what they say about me amongst themselves. You know you're doing okay if they're providing a positive image of you to their friends or new acquaintances.

But we're only human. Through the bad experiences we learn and grow together. Hopefully. :)