too much love, not enough expression

Cut a long story short, I had a friend pass away from this life, last Friday afternoon.

My mind still hasn't registered the reality of the situation, it's just too abstract to comprehend. Simply, I can't believe that she's actually gone.

And you think about the last time you told somebody you appreciated them and their friendship. I don't think it happens enough. And I think a lot of it is due to the social expectations we've created for ourselves.

It's cool to be a hardass. Not.

I've mentioned this to people and on previous blogs before, but I feel like I have a lot of love to give. What I mean by this is, I really enjoy the company of my friends and colleagues, and sometimes all I want to do is just give them a big hug and let them know how much I love them as a friend. Platonic love. But if I went around constantly hugging people and raving about how awesome I think they are and how much I enjoy spending time with them and chatting with them.. well I think I'd just be creating a weird reputation for myself.

It's ok for me to hug girls because I'm female. But if I hug guys, eventually observers will ask "What's going on between those two?", or "Who does she think she is?" if the guy has a girlfriend.

I think we don't appreciate our friends enough in a verbal sense. Or maybe I just take things too quickly, and I want to tell somebody how awesome I think they are, when I've only just started on getting to know them. But it's the way I am. I meet somebody, and within the first 5 minutes of conversation, or in the following 15 minutes of observation as they continue to socialise throughout the room, I already know whether or not I want to get to know the person better.

I just feel like I 'click' with some people. Most of the time I believe it's a one-way thing, i.e. people usually aren't as interested in me as I am in them. And then I impose myself on them (hopefully in a nice way) - I make an effort to visit their workspace, I take an interest in what they're interested in, provided it's a common interest between the two of us, and so on and so forth.

Something I really enjoy is sharing stories with people and listening to their own stories. You can learn so much from others, if you just take the time to sit down and ask the right questions or be patient for them to open up to you in time.

There are so many people whom I wish I knew better. I'm more than happy to let them know that I think they're really cool people, and I enjoy spending time with them, but if they don't know me that well, they're just going to think I'm a weirdo. Oh well, hasn't stopped me before.

I'm glad for the little things I have. The conversations, the arm around the shoulder, the pat on the back, the hug, the smile, the wave.. it's just those little things that make my life happier. There's nothing better than feeling the bond grow stronger between yourself and somebody whose company you appreciate very much.