too much love, not enough expression

Cut a long story short, I had a friend pass away from this life, last Friday afternoon.

My mind still hasn't registered the reality of the situation, it's just too abstract to comprehend. Simply, I can't believe that she's actually gone.

And you think about the last time you told somebody you appreciated them and their friendship. I don't think it happens enough. And I think a lot of it is due to the social expectations we've created for ourselves.

It's cool to be a hardass. Not.

I've mentioned this to people and on previous blogs before, but I feel like I have a lot of love to give. What I mean by this is, I really enjoy the company of my friends and colleagues, and sometimes all I want to do is just give them a big hug and let them know how much I love them as a friend. Platonic love. But if I went around constantly hugging people and raving about how awesome I think they are and how much I enjoy spending time with them and chatting with them.. well I think I'd just be creating a weird reputation for myself.

It's ok for me to hug girls because I'm female. But if I hug guys, eventually observers will ask "What's going on between those two?", or "Who does she think she is?" if the guy has a girlfriend.

I think we don't appreciate our friends enough in a verbal sense. Or maybe I just take things too quickly, and I want to tell somebody how awesome I think they are, when I've only just started on getting to know them. But it's the way I am. I meet somebody, and within the first 5 minutes of conversation, or in the following 15 minutes of observation as they continue to socialise throughout the room, I already know whether or not I want to get to know the person better.

I just feel like I 'click' with some people. Most of the time I believe it's a one-way thing, i.e. people usually aren't as interested in me as I am in them. And then I impose myself on them (hopefully in a nice way) - I make an effort to visit their workspace, I take an interest in what they're interested in, provided it's a common interest between the two of us, and so on and so forth.

Something I really enjoy is sharing stories with people and listening to their own stories. You can learn so much from others, if you just take the time to sit down and ask the right questions or be patient for them to open up to you in time.

There are so many people whom I wish I knew better. I'm more than happy to let them know that I think they're really cool people, and I enjoy spending time with them, but if they don't know me that well, they're just going to think I'm a weirdo. Oh well, hasn't stopped me before.

I'm glad for the little things I have. The conversations, the arm around the shoulder, the pat on the back, the hug, the smile, the wave.. it's just those little things that make my life happier. There's nothing better than feeling the bond grow stronger between yourself and somebody whose company you appreciate very much.

my happiness

I found my happiness the other night.

I discovered it hiding between the covers of a Dave Matthews Band album.

I also discovered it within the rhythm of The Beatards' "Scooby Snack", an addictive song that forces me to get up and dance like a maniac in the safety of my room.

Most importantly, I realised that my happiness comes from being creatively involved. Namely singing & playing an instrument (preferably done together), drawing/digital design, and dancing. Admittedly, my skills in all of these areas are lacking - I wish I was better at all of them - but I've enough to make me happy. I know there are others who are envious of my skills. And I don't mean that in a blowing-my-own-trumpet kind of way, because I am equally envious of those envious of me. We all have qualities that somebody else desires. The grass is always greener.

Take for instance, my inability to ride a bike. My inability to drive a car (I'm not licensed yet). My desire to be a more fluent speaker of Japanese (current ability is close to zero), and to be able to pronounce French words without feeling very self-conscious.

But anyways!

I'm currently listening to DMB and I love how it's making me feel happy. I haven't felt this genuinely happy in a while methinks.

The two standout tracks that make me virtually instantly happy & get me up and dancing are Lie In Our Graves from the album Crash, and Stay (Wasting Time) from the album Before These Crowded Streets.

There's numerous other DMB songs that are great to dance to, or to sing along to, or cuddle up with somebody to. But first of all, he needs to appreciate DMB more.. :)

why does my blog sound so sad?

I seem to write more when I'm in an un-happy mood. I put that hyphen in because I don't mean unhappy in the sense that I'm feeling sad; I'm trying to cover every other emotion apart from happy. For example, when I'm angry. Or when I'm stressed, which slides into anger, which falls into upset. Or when I'm feeling nothing - I'm neither here nor there; I'm not hungry nor am I full; I'm not sad but I'm not happy either.

That's possibly the worst feeling - blankness. You literally feel like a blank piece of A4 paper.

I dunno. Sometimes being angry is fun. Maybe it's the adrenalin that's running through the body. Does your body create adrenalin when you're angry? I'm not sure. I was never any good at science.

Or maybe it's because when I'm happy, I'm usually nowhere near a computer, and I'm having too much to sit down and say something about it. And besides, I find that it can be quite difficult to convey intense happiness using words, unless you're using a lot of exclamation marks, which makes it look like you're also shouting a lot. But you shout when you're excited, so I suppose it makes sense.

un-borat, un-sexy times

I feel ugly.

I'm going through an ugly phase right now. It lasts maybe a week or two, sometimes less. But during this time I basically feel yuck. Like today. I felt like wearing a paper bag over my head, or not going out until I felt like I look better.. but when you've got a full-time job that's not really an option. And I don't wear make-up so it's not like I can paint a mask over my face.

I hate feeling ugly. I wish I had better skin and better habits.

end of semester, end of subject

Ahh.. it's finally time to hand in the journal. I've got a Time magazine from the last week of January that I wanted to re-read and write about for Week 11's discussions - it's a "Mind & Body special / A User's Guide to the Brain" and one of the articles in the magazine is titled "The mystery of consciousness" - it would have been great to write about in this journal, but time has gotten the better of me unfortunately.

Looking back on the Science & Religion subject, I think it would have been a wiser decision to have studied the gen. ed. during full-time uni, when I would have more time to invest into the discussions and the readings and the research. That said, I think I've done as best I could given my cirumstances, and it's been great fun sharing and contrasting ideas with a group of people whom I've never met nor seen (how bizarre)!

And now it's done, and the final page has been written, and so I bid this science and religion journal a fond farewell :)

friendtalk

And all of a sudden,
I realise what I've been missing.

I missed talking to somebody who listened.

Somebody who didn't try to give advice
like I needed a shrink,
like I couldn't solve my own problems.

But you're different.

You ask me questions,
like I ask you questions,
and you tell me your stories
like I tell you mine.

You share yourself with me
like friends do -
openly.


Thank you.

mighty mouse to mighty man

This is pretty shocking news. Scientists have created a kind of "super mouse" that can eat twice as much as a normal mouse yet not gain weight, as well as run twice as fast for much longer than your average rodent.

I happened to see this news on TV the other night. To illustrate, they showed two mice running on a treadmill at 20m/min. The mouse furthest from the front of the screen was the wild mouse, and the one at the front was the PEPCK-mouse. As time wears on, you can observe the normal (wild) mouse tiring, as it starts sliding towards the back of the treadmill. Numerous times the wild mouse almost falls off the treadmill, only to force its way back on by running hard, continuing to try and keep pace. Eventually the mouse falls off, and only the 'mighty mouse' is left running.. and running.. and running. It's like a Duracell ad with the energetic toy rabbit. The mighty mouse runs faultlessly for a good 4.9km at the 20m/min speed! It's incredible!

And I thought they'd only created one mighty mouse, but it turns out they've already created at least 500 of these freakish beings. I couldn't help but think "What the hell are they doing?!"

I discussed this story with a few mates of mine last night and we all think it's pretty messed up. Especially because this raises questions for the human race, questions which have already been asked by the scientists. One day, there may not be one superman, but a whole city of supermen, women, and children! Kind of like the Incredibles from the Pixar film. To me this is like playing God to the extreme. It's pretty scary, the speed at which science is advancing in this realm. If this technology DOES flow into the human medical arena, I can only imagine the level of controversy it may generate between the Church and the scientists. Not only the Church, but all those who believe this altering of enzymes is an unethical practice.


A response to the article "Mighty Mouse – he’ll make champions of us all"

post-mortem

What a nightmare of an evening. Thank goodness I'm now totally over it.

I apologise.



But how come I'm the always the one apologising?