finally!

Finally starting to feel happy about myself, from the inside out. I'm beginning to reconcile with people in my head, and shedding the bitterness and jealousy and evil feelings that I've grown used to over the months. How ridiculous, that I had so many ill feelings towards people! Life is not about bearing grudges. Life is about meeting people, making friends, and sharing laughs together.

Changing, one step at a time. Making me a happier me. :)

(Thank you Priscilla Ahn (Album: A Good Day) and Jamie Lidell (Album: Jim)for the happiness-inspiring music)

spoilt

I wish I wasn't so immature.

Siblings would have helped.

fallen

i wish i was pretty i wish i was fashionable i wish i knew how to dress to impress i wish i knew how to apply make-up i wish i was funny i wish you could be proud to have me on your arm i wish i made people envious of you i wish i didn't feel so intimated by other girls i wish i had a backbone i wish i knew how to draw a crowd i wish i had self-confidence i wish i could trust i wish i could be trusted i wish i knew the art of selfless love i wish you loved me i wish i wasn't so jealous i wish she would drop dead i wish you only very best i wish you were mine i wish i could be yours i wish i could turn back time i wish i'd never hurt you i wish you could forget about it all i wish i didn't have any hang-ups i wish you wouldn't doubt yourself i wish you wouldn't doubt us i wish i'd never looked i wish you'd never taken the trip i wish i could stop the pain i wish for happiness to shine over you i wish you could get him out of your mind i wish i could get her out of mine i wish i could be proud of my life i wish i could cry it all away i wish i was a better person a better lover a better friend i wish i wasn't such a fuck-up i wish i could take the pain away i wish you loved me i wish you loved me i wish you could love again i wish i wish i wish i wish


i'm falling to my knees

i'm dying inside

i am my own demon

i am fallen at your feet

save me please..

sigh..

..I'm in love :)

act of self-destruction

You told me you emailed a mate tonight, so in a state of boredom and curiosity I thought I'd look through your email to see whether you'd written anything about me. Nothing in your mail, so I looked through your Facebook inbox instead. Turns out there was no mention of me, so nothing interesting to report. Then I noticed you'd replied to another message thread. You called her 'cutie'. I was fairly surprised; I didn't think you'd give such an endearing term to any other girl. And you talked about your last few weeks, and you mentioned the house for a whole paragraph before you mentioned me, like I was only secondary, and then you made it sound like the time we spent together was civil, as though we weren't falling for each other again. Perhaps I was mistaken about the way you felt. Because I was definitely falling for you. Harder than I've ever fallen before. And then you mentioned that you much prefer Melbourne over Sydney, and how you want to live there. I don't know why reading that makes me upset and annoyed, but it did. I'm in love with you, I can't deny that. I've stopped my unruly ways, I've stopped trying to catch up with other guys on one-on-one terms, even though there's never really been any ill intent behind those catch-ups. I'm happy to share everything with you, but I feel like you're still hiding things from me. People. Emotions. Intent.

Here is my heart. It beats for you. More than ever.

I shouldn't have done it. Curiosity did kill the cat, after all. Feeling remorseful, I shared my key with you, so that you could read my emails, peruse my Facebook. But I did it again. I'm just curious to know more about you, in every possible way. I don't mean any harm with what I do, I'm just naturally inquisitive. You gave me the key, and I unlocked my Pandora's box, and filled my world of love with dark clouds of confusion, and anger, and pain. This was my act of self-destruction. Only you can save me now..

unbearable

I want to scream.

I think of you, and I think of the fun you're having, and I think of the girl you're with, even though I know there's nothing going on between you two because she has her own boytoy she's seeing.

Or at least I believe that there's nothing going on between you two.

I think of you, and I think of the fun you're having, and I want to throw my phone at the wall so hard that it breaks with a single throw.

I want to tear it up. Something. Anything.

You bring out a neediness in me that frustrates me. I can't think of anything else until you're back. You distract me even when you're gone. It shits me up the wall.

I just want to break something. My fingers. My head. My heart.

I want to call you. But I have nothing nice to say, except that I miss you and I wish you were here. I fill the conversation gaps with bitter words. You bring out the worst in me. I can't get rid of the pain I'm feeling right now so I can't let you get away.

I call you. And I mope. And I cry.

I can't do anything with you here, and I can't do anything without you here.

I need to talk to somebody about my problem. But my head doesn't seek anybody but you. But you are my problem, so I can't do anything about it.

I can't believe you didn't tell me before I found out.

You fucking dickhead. I hate you for having this effect on me.

discomfort

I feel rather stressed these days. When I think about why, I can break it down to a few things:

- There are too many thoughts flying around in my mind. Not only that, but I also feel incapable of organising or utilising (i.e. taking action on) any of them.
- I feel as though I have responsibilities owing to other people, but I feel like I don't have the time to fulfill those duties. This is inextricably linked to the above point.
- I can't sit down and study for my exams like a good uni student. Procrastination is unimaginably excessive. This is, of course, a key catalyst for the aforementioned points.

Facts of life (at present):
- I enjoy listening to music.
- I need to study.

My unfortunate problem:
- I can't listen to music and study at the same time, as the music distracts my brain cells and makes them travel in all different directions. Here I am also assuming that brain cells can travel (which, in reality, I doubt is the case).

Time to try and hit the books again..

aural pleasures

I've just come across a lot of new music in the last few days. GOOD new music.

When I think of my new acquisitions, I think folk. Not all of it is so, but most of it is folk-ish, and reminds me of old-school sounds.. which is fantastic. It especially suits the weather - cloudy and rainy makes me think Beatles, Sting, Simon and Garfunkel (amongst others).. not all at once, but if I were to draw a timeline between Autumn (on the left) and Winter (on the right), the artists would be placed accordingly (from left to right), Simon & Garfunkel, Beatles, Sting.

Enough ramble. Back to the music I was talking about.

Recent acquisitions (in no particular order.. except alphabetical):
Colbie Caillat: Coco
Duffy: Rockferry
Estelle: Shine
Gnarls Barkley: The Odd Couple
Goldfrapp: Seventh Tree
Idea of North, The: their complete discography - The Idea of North, The Sum of Us, Here and Now, Evidence, The Gospel Project
Joe Satriani: Professor Satchafunkilus and the Musterion of Rock
Jose Gonzalez: In Our Nature
Laura Marling: Alas I Cannot Swim
Yoav: Charmed and Strange

Time to write some music reviews.